Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of quotes and thoughts by Henny Youngman on goodfellas, wife, sayings, puns, roasts-don-rickles, funny, music, marriage, travel, life, time and love.

21 Great Quotes By Henny Youngman That Will Make You Laugh Yourself Sick

Quick Facts

Famous As: Comedian

Born On: March 16, 1906

Died On: February 24, 1998

Born In: Whitechapel

Died At Age: 91

Henny Youngman was a famous American violinist and comedian. He is renowned for being a master of ‘one-liners’. In his times when his contenders used elaborate anecdotes to amuse the audience, Youngman cracked simple one-line jokes. He also occasionally played violin while performing in front of the audience. He usually eliminated lengthy build-ups in his performances and replaced them with unadorned, easy, cartoon-like situations and going straight to punch lines. Columnist Walter Winchell gave him the title of ‘The King Of One Liners’. Youngman’s stage performance lasted hardly for 20 minutes; however, it included numerous jokes in a rapid-fire form. Following are some popular, funny and ironic thoughts, one-liner, words, opinions and views that the funny man shared through his gigs, stage-shows, performances, puns, work and life. Read through the quotes and sayings by Henny Youngman that will surely tickle your funny bone.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Henny Youngman

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Henny Youngman

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.

Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

Henny Youngman

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Henny Youngman

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Henny Youngman

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Henny Youngman

A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.

Henny Youngman

Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?

Henny Youngman

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading

Henny Youngman