Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

21 Great Quotes By Henny Youngman That Will Make You Laugh Yourself Sick

Famous As: Comedian
Born On: March 16, 1906
Died On: February 24, 1998
Born In: Whitechapel
Died At Age: 91
Henny Youngman was a famous American violinist and comedian. He is renowned for being a master of ‘one-liners’. In his times when his contenders used elaborate anecdotes to amuse the audience, Youngman cracked simple one-line jokes. He also occasionally played violin while performing in front of the audience. He usually eliminated lengthy build-ups in his performances and replaced them with unadorned, easy, cartoon-like situations and going straight to punch lines. Columnist Walter Winchell gave him the title of ‘The King Of One Liners’. Youngman’s stage performance lasted hardly for 20 minutes; however, it included numerous jokes in a rapid-fire form. Following are some popular, funny and ironic thoughts, one-liner, words, opinions and views that the funny man shared through his gigs, stage-shows, performances, puns, work and life. Read through the quotes and sayings by Henny Youngman that will surely tickle your funny bone.
Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Henny Youngman
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

Henny Youngman
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Henny Youngman
I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

Henny Youngman
If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

Henny Youngman
If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman
My grandmother is over eighty
and she still doesn’t need glasses. 

Drinks right out of the bottle.

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman
Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Henny Youngman
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

Henny Youngman
The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman
I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.

Henny Youngman
When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

Henny Youngman
My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Henny Youngman
Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?

Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?

Henny Youngman
I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Henny Youngman
Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

Henny Youngman
When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading

Henny Youngman
My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Henny Youngman
A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.

A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.

Henny Youngman
Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Henny Youngman