21 Great Quotes By Henny Youngman That Will Make You Laugh Yourself Sick

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

You Love Home

Henny Youngman

  

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

Me I

Henny Youngman

  

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

Henny Youngman

  

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I

Henny Youngman

  

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

I

Henny Youngman

  

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

Henny Youngman

  

If at first you don't succeed... So much for skydiving.

You

Henny Youngman

  

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

Time Music I

Henny Youngman

  

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn’t need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Need

Henny Youngman

  

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

Henny Youngman

  

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.

Money Need I

Henny Youngman

  

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

You

Henny Youngman

  

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman

Me I

Henny Youngman

  

Some have been thought brave because they were afraid to run away.

Henny Youngman

  

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

You

Henny Youngman

  

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading

I

Henny Youngman

  

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Need

Henny Youngman

  

Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?

Henny Youngman

  

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

Henny Youngman

  

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

Time

Henny Youngman

  

A man walks into a library and says, ‘I hope you don’t have a book on reverse psychology.

You Hope

Henny Youngman