Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.
Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
If you live to be one hundred, you've got it made. Very few people die past that age.
You can't help getting older, but you don't have to get old.
When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.
I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.
Sincerity - if you can fake that, you've got it made.
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
I'd rather be a failure at something I enjoy than a success at something I hate.
Don't stay in bed, unless you can make money in bed.
The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I was brought up to respect my elders, so now I don't have to respect anybody.
I look to the future because that's where I'm going to spend the rest of my life.
No snowflake in an avalanche ever feels responsible.
Acting is all about honesty. If you can fake that, you've got it made.
You know you're getting old when you stoop to tie your shoelaces and wonder what else you could do while you're down there.
Young. Old. Just Words.
Someone who makes you laugh is a comedian. Someone who makes you think and then laugh is a humorist.
Say Goodnight Gracie.
Everything that goes up must come down. But there comes a time when not everything that's down can come up.
I can't understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
I honestly think it is better to be a failure at something you love than to be a success at something you hate.
Happiness? A good cigar, a good meal, and a good woman - or a bad woman; it depends on how much happiness you can handle.
Nice to be here? At my age it's nice to be anywhere.
I'd rather be a failure in something that I love than a success in something that I hate.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
I can remember when the air was clean and the sex was dirty." -George Burns
The key to success is sincerity. If you can fake that you've got it made.
