Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of quotes and sayings by David Sedaris on comedy, analysis, personality, flames, art, conceptual, art, reading, winning, deserve, love and live.

100 Famous Quotes By David Sedaris That Are Full Of Joys Of Spring

Quick Facts

Famous As: Writer, Essayist

Born On: December 26, 1956

Born In: Binghamton

David Sedaris is a distinguished American author, humorist, radio contributor and comedian who grabbed the limelight with his essay ‘SantaLand Diaries’ which was broadcast by ‘National Public Radio’. He followed it up by publishing ‘Barrel Fever’ which is a collection of short stories and essays. Some of his most popular works include ‘Holiday On Ice’, ‘When You Are Engulfed In Flames’, ‘Naked’, ‘Explore Diabetes With Owls’ and ‘Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary’. His thoughts, writings, views, humor, work and books cover subjects close to his heart which include his middle-class upbringing, self-deprecating, obsessive behaviour, his family life, his Greek heritage, education, homosexuality and jobs. Let us explore some popular quotes and sayings by the renowned humorist which have been curated from his essays, writings, books, thoughts, essays and short stories. Browse through the quotations and thoughts by David Sedaris which hold a world of wisdom!
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If you're looking for sympathy you'll find it between shit and syphilis in the dictionary.

David Sedaris

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

David Sedaris

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

David Sedaris

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?

David Sedaris

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

David Sedaris

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

David Sedaris

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

David Sedaris

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

David Sedaris

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings

David Sedaris

When shit brings you down, just say 'fuck it', and eat yourself some motherfucking candy.

David Sedaris

He took a sip of my father’s weak coffee and spit it back into the mug. "This shit’s like making love in a canoe." "Excuse me?" "It’s fucking near water.

David Sedaris

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

David Sedaris

Certain motherfuckers think they can fuck with my shit, but you can't kill the Rooster. You might can fuck him up some times, but, bitch, nobody kills the motherfucking Rooster. You know what I'm saying?

David Sedaris

Shit is the tofu of cursing and can be molded to whichever condition the speaker desires. Hot as shit. Windy as shit. I myself was confounded as shit...

David Sedaris

All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

David Sedaris

A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.

David Sedaris

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

David Sedaris

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

David Sedaris

Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

David Sedaris

It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.

David Sedaris

This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.

David Sedaris

Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.

David Sedaris

I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.

David Sedaris

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

David Sedaris

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

David Sedaris

I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.

David Sedaris

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

David Sedaris

Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.

David Sedaris

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

David Sedaris

The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

David Sedaris

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

David Sedaris

It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

David Sedaris

The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.

David Sedaris

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

David Sedaris

Weird doors open. People fall into things.

David Sedaris

On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

David Sedaris

Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.

David Sedaris

It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.

David Sedaris

Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face.

David Sedaris

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

David Sedaris

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

David Sedaris

The drama bug strikes hardest with Jews, homosexuals and plump women who wear their hair in bangs. These are people who, for one reason or another, desperately crave attention

David Sedaris

You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.

David Sedaris

There’s a short circuit between my brain and my tongue, thus “Leave me the fuck alone” comes out as “Well, maybe. Sure. I guess I can see your point.

David Sedaris

Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.

David Sedaris

I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

David Sedaris

I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.

David Sedaris

Whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.

David Sedaris

College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking..

David Sedaris

And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.

David Sedaris

Thanks stadium pal!

David Sedaris

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

David Sedaris

Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.

David Sedaris

In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.

David Sedaris

People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.

David Sedaris

I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.

David Sedaris

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

David Sedaris

But I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

David Sedaris

This grown man who now phones his father to say, "Motherfucker, I ain't seen pussy so long, I'd throw stones at it.

David Sedaris

There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents.

David Sedaris

Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.

David Sedaris

This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.

David Sedaris

I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call "understanding" is basically just fantasizing.

David Sedaris

I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.

David Sedaris

She took pictures of germs, viruses, and people reacting to germs and viruses. On weekends, for extra money, she photographed weddings, which really wasn't that much of a stretch

David Sedaris

Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.

David Sedaris

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

David Sedaris

There's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.

David Sedaris

What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.

David Sedaris

I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again," he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. "It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters

David Sedaris

Clatter of a typewriter suggests that you're actually building something.

David Sedaris

It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.

David Sedaris

In Japanese and Italian, the response to ["How are you?"] is "I'm fine, and you?" In German it's answered with a sigh and a slight pause, followed by "Not so good.

David Sedaris

Well, that's a hell of a reason to poison yourself.

David Sedaris

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

David Sedaris

Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.

David Sedaris

I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.

David Sedaris

Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?

David Sedaris

But all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.

David Sedaris

As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.

David Sedaris

I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.

David Sedaris

I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.

David Sedaris

If nothing else, life in the suburbs promised that you might go from day to day without finding shit in your hair.

David Sedaris

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.

David Sedaris

Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.

David Sedaris

I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

David Sedaris

The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.

David Sedaris

The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy.

David Sedaris

They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting.

David Sedaris

If a person who constantly reads is labeled a bookworm, then I was quickly becoming what might be called a tapeworm.

David Sedaris

Motherfucker, you try that again and I'll come in there with a fucking coat hanger and give you something to fucking kick about

David Sedaris

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

David Sedaris

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

David Sedaris

We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy handwriting and hopeless phonetic spelling.

David Sedaris

If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?

David Sedaris

I see you that have a little swimming mouse

David Sedaris

It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.

David Sedaris

Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.

David Sedaris

Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.

David Sedaris