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90 Famous Quotes By David Sedaris That Are Full Of Joys Of Spring

Famous As: Humorist
Born On: December 26, 1956
Born In: Johnson City, New York, United States
Age: 65 Years
David Sedaris is a distinguished American author, humorist, radio contributor and comedian who grabbed the limelight with his essay ‘SantaLand Diaries’ which was broadcast by ‘National Public Radio’. He followed it up by publishing ‘Barrel Fever’ which is a collection of short stories and essays. Some of his most popular works include ‘Holiday On Ice’, ‘When You Are Engulfed In Flames’, ‘Naked’, ‘Explore Diabetes With Owls’ and ‘Squirrel Seeks Chipmunk: A Modest Bestiary’. His thoughts, writings, views, humor, work and books cover subjects close to his heart which include his middle-class upbringing, self-deprecating, obsessive behaviour, his family life, his Greek heritage, education, homosexuality and jobs. Let us explore some popular quotes and sayings by the renowned humorist which have been curated from his essays, writings, books, thoughts, essays and short stories. Browse through the quotations and thoughts by David Sedaris which hold a world of wisdom!
Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

Sometimes the sins you haven't committed are all you have left to hold onto.

David Sedaris
Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

Everyone looks retarded once you set your mind to it.

David Sedaris
If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?

If I could believe in myself, why not give other improbabilities the benefit of the doubt?

David Sedaris
Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

Like all of my friends, she's a lousy judge of character.

David Sedaris
I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

I haven't the slightest idea how to change people, but still I keep a long list of prospective candidates just in case I should ever figure it out.

David Sedaris
We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

We were not a hugging people. In terms of emotional comfort it was our belief that no amount of physical contact could match the healing powers of a well made cocktail.

David Sedaris
If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

If you aren't cute, you may as well be clever.

David Sedaris
Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings

Real love amounts to withholding the truth, even when you're offered the perfect opportunity to hurt someone's feelings

David Sedaris
If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

If you read someone else's diary, you get what you deserve.

David Sedaris
All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

All of us take pride and pleasure in the fact that we are unique, but I'm afraid that when all is said and done the police are right: it all comes down to fingerprints.

David Sedaris
A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.

A good [short story] would take me out of myself and then stuff me back in, outsized, now, and uneasy with the fit.

David Sedaris
I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

I hate you' she said to me one afternoon. 'I really, really hate you.' Call me sensitive, but I couldn't help but take it personally.

David Sedaris
I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

I'm the most important person in the lives of almost everyone I know and a good number of the people I've never even met.

David Sedaris
Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

Boys who spent their weekends making banana nut muffins did not, as a rule, excel in the art of hand-to-hand combat.

David Sedaris
It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.

It's just a penis, right? Probably no worse for you than smoking.

David Sedaris
This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.

This left me alone to solve the coffee problem - a sort of catch-22, as in order to think straight I need caffeine, and in order to make that happen I need to think straight.

David Sedaris
Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.

Most people would have found it grotesque, but when you're in love nothing is so abstract or horrible that it can't be thought of as cute.

David Sedaris
I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.

I'd tried to straighten him out, but there's only so much you can do for a person who thinks Auschwitz is a brand of beer.

David Sedaris
At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

At the end of a miserable day, instead of grieving my virtual nothing, I can always look at my loaded wastepaper basket and tell myself that if I failed, at least I took a few trees down with me.

David Sedaris
Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

Speed eliminates all doubt. Am I smart enough? Will people like me? Do I really look all right in this plastic jumpsuit?

David Sedaris
I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.

I just looked at the pattern of my life, decided I didn't like it, and changed.

David Sedaris
As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

As a child I assumed that when I reached adulthood, I would have grown-up thoughts.

David Sedaris
Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.

Writing gives you the illusion of control, and then you realize it's just an illusion, that people are going to bring their own stuff into it.

David Sedaris
I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying,

I love things made out of animals. It's just so funny to think of someone saying, "I need a letter opener. I guess I'll have to kill a deer.

David Sedaris
The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

The Korean man nodded, the way you do when you’re a foreigner and understand that someone has finished a sentence.

David Sedaris
All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

All I do is lie, and that has made me immune to compliments.

David Sedaris
It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

It's safe to assume that by 2085 guns will be sold in vending machines but you won't be able to smoke anywhere in America.

David Sedaris
The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.

The rabbit of Easter. He bring of the chocolate.

David Sedaris
Weird doors open. People fall into things.

Weird doors open. People fall into things.

David Sedaris
He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

He looked as though his life had not only passed him by but paused along the way to spit in his face.

David Sedaris
On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

On a busy day twenty-two thousand people come to visit Santa, and I was told that it is an elf's lot to remain merry in the face of torment and adversity. I promised to keep that in mind.

David Sedaris
Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.

Being locked up is one thing, but to have no concept of confinement, to be ignorant of its terms and never understand that struggle is useless - that's what hell must be like.

David Sedaris
It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.

It is funny the things that run through your mind when you're sitting in your underpants in front of a pair of strangers.

David Sedaris
Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face.

Often I'd take out my magnifying glass and stare into the chaos that was her face.

David Sedaris
Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

Oh, for Christ's sake,' I hear. 'Can we please just try to have a good time?' This is like ordering someone to find you attractive, and it doesn't work. I've tried it.

David Sedaris
A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

A zoo is a good place to make a spectacle of yourself, as the people around you have creepier, more photogenic things to look at.

David Sedaris
You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.

You can't brace yourself for famine if you've never known hunger.

David Sedaris
Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.

Their house had real hardcover books in it, and you often saw them lying open on the sofa, the words still warm from being read.

David Sedaris
I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

I find it ridiculous to assign a gender to an inanimate object incapable of disrobing and making an occasional fool of itself.

David Sedaris
I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.

I won't put in a load of laundry, because the machine is too loud and would drown out other, more significant noises - namely, the shuffling footsteps of the living dead.

David Sedaris
Whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.

Whenever I read a passage that moves me, I transcribe it in my diary, hoping my fingers might learn what excellence feels like.

David Sedaris
College is the best thing that can ever happen to you,

College is the best thing that can ever happen to you," my father used to say, and he was right, for it was there that I discovered drugs, drinking, and smoking..

David Sedaris
And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.

And when Hugh would grow progressively Gandhi on me, I'd remind him that these were pests---disease carriers who feasted upon the dead and then came indoors to dance upon our silverware.

David Sedaris
Thanks stadium pal!

Thanks stadium pal!

David Sedaris
In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.

In other parts of the country people tried to stay together for the sake of the children. In New York they tried to work things out for the sake of the apartment.

David Sedaris
I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

I was just struggling with my inner vachette and pondering the depths of my own inhumanity.

David Sedaris
At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

At first, writing for The New Yorker was very scary to me. I couldn't imagine anything that I would write in that typeface.

David Sedaris
Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.

Say what you will about the south, but in North Carolina a hot dog is free to swing anyway it wishes.

David Sedaris
There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents.

There is still the outside world to contend with. A world of backfiring cars, and their human equivalents.

David Sedaris
People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.

People are often frightened of Parisians, but an American in Paris will find no harsher critic than another American.

David Sedaris
I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.

I needed to temper (my dad's) enthusiasm a bit (about attending Princeton), and so I announced that I would be majoring in patricide...My mom was actually jealous.

David Sedaris
But I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

But I have no mind for business and considered staying awake to be enough of an accomplishment.

David Sedaris
Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.

Given enough time, I guess anything can look good. All it has to do is survive.

David Sedaris
This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.

This was the consequence of seeing too much and understanding the horrible truth: No one is safe. The world is not manageable.

David Sedaris
I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call

I'd always thought that I understood this, but lately I realize that what I call "understanding" is basically just fantasizing.

David Sedaris
Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.

Remember that the most important thing is to try and love other people as much as they love you.

David Sedaris
I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.

I was a smart-ass, born and raised. This had been my curse and would continue to be so.

David Sedaris
She took pictures of germs, viruses, and people reacting to germs and viruses. On weekends, for extra money, she photographed weddings, which really wasn't that much of a stretch

She took pictures of germs, viruses, and people reacting to germs and viruses. On weekends, for extra money, she photographed weddings, which really wasn't that much of a stretch

David Sedaris
There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

There seemed to be some correlation between devotion to God and a misguided zeal for marshmallows.

David Sedaris
There's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.

There's a reason regular people don't appear on TV: we're boring.

David Sedaris
What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.

What I really hated, of course, was my mind. There must have been an off switch somewhere, but I was damned if I could find it.

David Sedaris
I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again,

I can't promise I'll never kill anyone again," he once said, strapping a refrigerator to his back. "It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters

David Sedaris
Clatter of a typewriter suggests that you're actually building something.

Clatter of a typewriter suggests that you're actually building something.

David Sedaris
It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.

It make one's mouth hurt to speak with such forced merriment.

David Sedaris
In Japanese and Italian, the response to [

In Japanese and Italian, the response to ["How are you?"] is "I'm fine, and you?" In German it's answered with a sigh and a slight pause, followed by "Not so good.

David Sedaris
Well, that's a hell of a reason to poison yourself.

Well, that's a hell of a reason to poison yourself.

David Sedaris
I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

I've always had a way with the little people, making it a point to humor them without looking down my nose at their wasted empty lives.

David Sedaris
Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?

Watch, hell,' Walt said. 'This is strip poker. What kind of homo wants to sit around and watch four guys get naked?

David Sedaris
But all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.

But all of a sudden they’re poets, right, like that’s all it takes — being in love.

David Sedaris
Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.

Nobody pours stuffing like you do, my friend.

David Sedaris
I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.

I can't seem to fathom that the things important to me are not important to other people as well, and so I come off sounding like a missionary, someone whose job it is to convert rather than listen.

David Sedaris
As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.

As bad a dresser as I am, anything beats being judged by my character.

David Sedaris
I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.

I giggled out loud at his stupidity. If anyone knew how to make a bed, it was a faggot.

David Sedaris
I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.

I didn't know about the rest of the class, but when Bastille Day eventually rolled around, I planned to stay home and clean my oven.

David Sedaris
My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.

My first semester I had only nine students. Hoping they might view me as professional and well prepared, I arrived bearing name tags fashioned in the shape of maple leaves.

David Sedaris
Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.

Snowball just leads elves on, elves and Santas. He is playing a dangerous game.

David Sedaris
I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

I had to wrestle daily with both my inadequacy and my uncontrollable jealousy. I didn't want to kill her, but hoped someone else might do the job for me.

David Sedaris
The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.

The Greeks had invented democracy, built the Acropolis and called it a day.

David Sedaris
The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy.

The message was that if something is free, you should only take the best. If, on the other hand, you're forced to pay, it's best to lower the bar and not be so choosy.

David Sedaris
They were Jesuits,

They were Jesuits," she told me. "That means they believe in God but not in terlet paper. You should have seen their underwear. Disgusting.

David Sedaris
If a person who constantly reads is labeled a bookworm, then I was quickly becoming what might be called a tapeworm.

If a person who constantly reads is labeled a bookworm, then I was quickly becoming what might be called a tapeworm.

David Sedaris
My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

My feet are completely flat, but for most of my life they were still shaped like feet. Now, thanks to bunions, they're shaped more like states, wide boring ones that nobody wants to drive through.

David Sedaris
The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

The landscape is best described as 'pedestrian hostile.' It's pointless to try to take a walk, so I generally just stay in the room and think about shooting myself in the head.

David Sedaris
We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy handwriting and hopeless phonetic spelling.

We give anonymously because the sackfuls of thank-you letters break our hearts with their clumsy handwriting and hopeless phonetic spelling.

David Sedaris
If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?

If you stepped out of the shower and saw a leprechaun standing at the base of your toilet, would you scream, or would you innately understand that he meant you no harm?

David Sedaris
I see you that have a little swimming mouse

I see you that have a little swimming mouse

David Sedaris
It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.

It's unrealistic to live your life within such strict parameters.

David Sedaris
Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.

Jeremy, Good luck on your first marriage.

David Sedaris
Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.

Right, I breast feed baby camels in my backyard just for the freaking fun of it. Just tell me where you live, Pinocchio, and save the baloney for lunch.

David Sedaris