The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.
You might be a redneck if... the blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas it has in it.
If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home, you might be a redneck.
If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Kool Whip on the side, you might be a redneck.
I know if mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy.
My grandma's the most careful, safe driver in the world. You put her in a rental car, and she's doing doughnuts in the K-Mart parking lot!
Look at where Jesus went to pick people. He didn't go to the colleges; he got guys off the fishing docks.
You may be a redneck if... you have spent more on your pickup truck than on your education.
Little girls love dolls. They just don't love doll clothes. We've got four thousand dolls and ain't one of them got a stitch of clothes on.
If you ever start feeling like you have the goofiest, craziest, most dysfunctional family in the world, all you have to do is go to a state fair. Because five minutes at the fair, you'll be going, 'you know, we're alright. We are dang near royalty.'
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
For the first time ever I was taking the family on the road. We stayed with my in-laws, which on life's list of experiences ranks right below sitting in a tub full of scissors.
I say, If everybody in this house lives where it's God first, friends and family second and you third, we won't ever have an argument.
You may be a redneck if... your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
I tried real hard to play golf, and I was so bad at it they would have to check me for ticks at the end of the round because I'd spent about half the day in the woods.
Find something in life that you love doing. If you make a lot of money, that's a bonus, and if you don't, you still won't hate going to work.
Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?
I got my wife a mood ring. It works real good! When shes in a good mood it turns blue, but when shes in a bad mood theres a red mark across my forehead
I turned down a movie this summer because it was nine weeks in Vancouver and my oldest daughter is 14. I've got four more summers with her. I'm not giving away nine weeks of her summer to go do a silly movie.
Between New York and LA, there's 200 million people that aren't hip, and they don't want to be hip.
I teach a Bible study for homeless guys in downtown Atlanta every week. Been doing it for years. That's the guys I'd rather go talk to. I'd rather take my act outside the church.
That's the great thing about a tractor. You can't really hear the phone ring.
Changing a diaper is a lot like getting a present from your grandmother - you're not sure what you've got but you're pretty sure you're not going to like it.
The more excited the rooster gets, the higher his voice goes. He's got a little bit of a Barney Fife quality to him.
The designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, drop them off at the wrong house.
Have you ever seen people so ugly that you have to get someone else to verify it?
Pride is the first step in people unraveling and companies unraveling and relationships unraveling.
If you think fast food is hittin a deer att 65 miles per hr.. you might be a redneck
My wife is so analytical with raising kids, and I am not. My feeling is if they turn out good, then that means I was a good daddy and put a lot of effort into it. If they turn out bad, it means they took after her side of the family.
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
If you've ever made change in the offering plate, you might be a redneck.
Now, it's true I married my wife for her looks... but not the ones she's been givin' me lately.
I don't know why my brain has kept all the words to the Gilligan's Island theme song and has deleted everything about triangles.
The stuff that made me mad 20 years ago doesn't really make me mad any more.
Country music is about new love and it's about old love.
You might be a redneck if your dogs name is Miller Light
When I first started out, being from the South and going to New York or Chicago, people kept telling me to get voice lessons and 'lose that stupid accent you got.' And I'm like, 'Well, where I come from, you have the stupid accent.'
Watching a baby being born is a little like watching a wet St. Bernard coming in through the cat door.
We're all screwed up. And the way Christians mess things up is we act like we've got it going on. And if we would just stay in that place of, 'Hey, we're all screwed up and but for the grace of God, none of us have a shot here.' We need to have a sense of humor about it; that's kind of the way I've always faced my comedy.
If your working television sits on top of your non-working television, you might be a redneck.
I refuse to this day to do e-mail because everybody I know that does it, it takes another two or three hours a day. I don't want to give two or three more hours away.
If you think the last four words to the national anthem are " gentleman, start your engines", You might be a redneck.
You moon the wrong person at an office party and suddenly you're not 'professional' any more.
I used to say that whenever people heard my Southern accent, they always wanted to deduct 100 IQ points.
There's no down time any more.
If you ahve ever unloaded your pickup by backing up really fast and slamming on the brakes, you might be a redneck.
If you think a quaterhorse is that ride in front of Kmart.. You might be a rednneck
You know, I remember Career Day in high school. I remember plumbers and lawyers... I don't remember a booth where you could sign up to learn how to shoot chickens out of a cannon at the windshield of an airplane, 'cause there would have been a line at my school to do that!
I've been to all 50 states, and traveled this whole country, and 90 percent of the people are good folks. The rest of them take after the other side of the family.
It's a weird sensation to be mad and learning at the same time.
I know God is real.
Nothing in life prepares you to be famous.
Being a comedian, people tell me stuff they shouldn't tell their therapist.
I really don't require a whole lot in life.
My father-in-law gets up at 5 o'clock in the morning and watches the Discovery Channel. I don't know why there's this big rush to do this.
I had to perform at the White House for the president, That's always kind of a weird set to try to put together.
I never thought I would do a game show, but now I guess I'm now officially in that genre.
I love comedy. God has given me this platform.
If men have a smell it's usually an accident.
What I hated was doing what somebody in LA thought Jeff Foxworthy ought to do.
People would say, Can we develop a sitcom around you? and I would say, Not interested. I'm very happy doing standup and writing and taking my kids to school.
When you get to your third millionth frequent flyer mile, I think something snaps in your brain.
It's hard to think of yourself as a loser at 2 years old.
