The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
