The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.
Meow” means “woof” in cat.
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.
How is it possible to have a civil war?
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was.
I have as much authority as the Pope. I just don’t have as many people who believe it.
How come when it’s us, it’s an abortion, and when it’s a chicken, it’s an omelette?
Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?
Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink,I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck
In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.
If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?
A good motto to live by: 'Always try not to get killed.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.
When you're born into this world, you're given a ticket to the freak show. If you're born in America you get a front row seat.
THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR: 'Please stop sucking my dick or I'll call the police.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.
The caterpillar does all the work, but the butterfly gets all the publicity.
Never argue with an idiot. They will only bring you down to their level and beat you with experience.
I think I am, therefore, I am... I think.
Isn’t making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.
It's important in life if you don't give a shit. It can help you a lot.
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a man nailed to two pieces of wood.
How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes...dies.
I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?
Everyone smiles in the same language.
If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea…does that mean that 1 enjoys it?
People who say they don't care what people think are usually desperate to have people think they don't care what people think.
If the black box flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn’t the whole airplane made out of that stuff?
It's never just a game when you're winning.
I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
People always tell me "Have a nice day." Well what if I don't want to? What if I want to have a crappy day?
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
We are a nation of sheep, and someone else owns the grass.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.
The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.
Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.
I have lots of ideas. Trouble is, most of them suck.
You show me a lazy prick who's lying in bed all day, watching TV, only occasionally getting up to piss, and I'll show you a guy who's not causing any trouble.
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the bible a lot more as they get older, and then it dawned on me—they’re cramming for their final exam.
Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?
I put a dollar in a change machine. Nothing changed.
Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fires, what do freedom fighters fight?
Once you leave out all the bullshit they teach you in school, life gets really simple.
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
Religion is just mind control.
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. 'Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy.' These days, Trajedi.
Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.
Electricity is really just organized lightning
Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
I'm happy to tell you there is very little in this world that I believe in.
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
I bet you anything that 10 times out of 10, Nicky, Vinny and Tony will beat the shit out of Todd, Kyle and Tucker.
I was a loner as a child. I had an imaginary friend - I didn't bother with him.
A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
My mother would say, 'Why are you always playing alone?' And I would say, 'I'm not playin', Ma. I'm fuckin' serious!