Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

100 Inspiring Quotes By George Carlin That Every Human Being Should Know

Famous As: One of the Most Important and Influential Stand-Up Comedians of All Time
Born On: May 12, 1937
Died On: June 22, 2008
Born In: Manhattan, New York, United States
Died At Age: 71

George Carlin was a renowned American comedian and social critic who believed in calling a spade a spade. A master of black comedy he produced as many as  twenty albums and also had a string of comedy specials to his credit. Carlin's idol was actor, singer and comedian Danny Kaye. Carlin was a US Air Force recruit and was court-martialed on more than one occasion throughout his career. The first time was when he was celebrating Brooklyn Dodgers 1995 World Series win. Apparently, he used cooking wine stolen from the pantry, in the celebrations. The second time he was caught napping during combat training drill. Carlin was arrested for uttering the seven infamous dirty words and even faced trial. The Supreme Court of United States dubbed George Carlin as a "significant social satirist" during the proceedings.

In this segment we bring to you inspirational quotes by famous stand-up comedian George Carlin.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.

George Carlin
The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

George Carlin
Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

George Carlin
Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

George Carlin
Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

George Carlin
That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

That's why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.

George Carlin
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.

George Carlin
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

George Carlin
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

George Carlin
If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

George Carlin
Some people see things that are and ask, Why? 
Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? 
Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Some people see things that are and ask, Why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, Why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

George Carlin
Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Meow” means “woof” in cat.

George Carlin
Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

Religion is like a pair of shoes.....Find one that fits for you, but don't make me wear your shoes.

George Carlin
I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

I like it when a flower or a little tuft of grass grows through a crack in the concrete. It's so fuckin' heroic.

George Carlin
Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

George Carlin
Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

George Carlin
He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

He - and if there is a God, I am convinced he is a he, because no woman could or would ever fuck things up this badly.

George Carlin
May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

George Carlin
I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.

George Carlin
I'm completely in favor of the 
separation of Church and State. 
... These two institutions screw us up enough 
on their own, so both of them together is 
certain death.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. ... These two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

George Carlin
I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

George Carlin
Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

Scratch any cynic and you will find a disappointed idealist.

George Carlin
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

George Carlin
Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty.
I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

Some people see the glass half full. Others see it half empty. I see a glass that's twice as big as it needs to be.

George Carlin
If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If it’s true that our species is alone in the universe, then I’d have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

George Carlin
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

George Carlin
Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

Tell people there's an invisible man in the sky who created the universe, and the vast majority will believe you. Tell them the paint is wet, and they have to touch it to be sure.

George Carlin
How is it possible to have a civil war?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

George Carlin
When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to hear '27 months.' 'He's two' will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

George Carlin
Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

George Carlin