Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of quotes by Demetri Martin on life, humor, music, writing, comedians, funny, ironic, fly, art, glitter, crafts, enigma, mystery and relationships.

25 Famous Quotes By Demetri Martin That Are Sure To Rejuvenate You

Quick Facts

Famous As: Actor, Screenwriter, Film actor, Television actor, Film score composer

Born On: May 25, 1973

Born In: Pennsylvania

Demetri Martin is a comedian, actor, musician, writer, humorist who is distinguished as a pioneer in surreal humor. He went on to study law but his passion for comedy compelled him to dropout. He performed as a stand-up comedian at various local clubs and did many temporary jobs for survival. He came into limelight when he performed at Comedy Central’s stand-up show ‘Premium Blend’. His show ‘If I....’ won him the ‘Perrier Award’ at the ‘Edinburgh Festival Fringe’. He further went on to do his TV show titled ‘Important Things With Demetri Martin’. This show ran successfully for two seasons before going off-air. He has also traveled all over America to spread his humorous intellect. He has recorded a comedy album titled ‘These Are Jokes’ which was critically appreciated. He even appeared on many videos and his humorous acts revolve around everyday life and American culture. Here is a compilation of some of his humorous quotes and thoughts which have been excerpted from his shows, writings, interviews, dialogues, work and life. Go through these funny quotes from Demetri Martin which will give you your doze of laughter.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Demetri Martin

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Demetri Martin

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Demetri Martin

About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Demetri Martin

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

Demetri Martin

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Demetri Martin

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Demetri Martin

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Demetri Martin

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.

Demetri Martin

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

Demetri Martin

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

Demetri Martin

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Demetri Martin

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

Demetri Martin

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Demetri Martin

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak

Demetri Martin

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

Demetri Martin

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

Demetri Martin

Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?

Demetri Martin

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. When you finish it, it says 'go outside'.

Demetri Martin

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'.

Demetri Martin

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Demetri Martin