When you whisper about something, it's too big, and you can't get it under control and take control of it.
What makes me laugh is, of course, the absurd, the horror - anything that upsets me.
All my way through college, I worked my way as a window dresser for Lord & Taylor, so I always liked fashion. I always loved fashion and I love that we can do it and not take it seriously.
I have no line. If I think it's funny, it's funny.
I love Vines. You make this 6.4-second drama, and you can reach 6 million viewer, and make people laugh. I find it so fabulous.
I would not want to live if I could not perform. It's in my will. I am not to be revived unless I can do an hour of stand-up.
Your child is never not your child. You can be 90 and your mother 120, but your mother is still worried about you.
Reading should be a pleasure, not a chore.
I will work as hard as I do because I love it.
When I am on E! for the 'Fashion Police,' I only care about being a critic. It loses me many friends.
I'm a New York girl. I come out of New York theater.
Any comic is a very good actor. Look at Don Rickles. He is saying the same joke every night for 20 years and making it look like he just thought of it.
You hear things about certain people. When you hear someone was mean to a limo driver or a wardrobe lady, or someone was rotten to a fan, somewhere in your brain it gets stuck.
Comedy is a very rough beat. It's no holds barred, as it should be.
Trust me, there's not one night a week I'm not in a theater somewhere. I adore theater, and I go out with friends, so I do have some nights off.
Prince Charles is so funny. So, so funny.
I just get such a connection from an audience. You play with them. I get mad at them. I yell at them. They yell at me. It's just fun.
I think I was the third person in the world to get a Kindle, and I hated it from the minute I got it.
My audiences get younger all the time.
Anyone that says looks don't count is lying. Of course they do. Even babies go to the attractive face. It's the way humans work.
I am never honored. My career is hilarious to me. I am either under the radar or over the radar.
I didn't want to do 'Fashion Police' because I thought, 'This is stupid, this is beneath me, who wants to talk about fashion?' It has taken off. We are the number one show in England on E! Who knew?
Everyone forgets comedians are actors. There's no question about it. A Robin Williams cannot say the same line every night for 40 weeks and make it sound fresh unless he's doing an acting job.
I am a huge 'Downton Abbey' fan - huge!
I love Katy Perry! She's very charming.
I adore my apartment in New York. It was a ballroom that I remade, so it's like a loft but done by Louis the Fifteenth.
You can find my book at your favorite bookstore, and if it isn't there, find a new favorite.
Both of my parents got to see me host Carson, thank God. That's all anyone wants: to have their parents see they're going to be all right in life.
I am furious about everything.
What are people going to do? Fire me? I've been fired before. Not book me? I've been out of work before. I don't care.
I could be the Greta Garbo of comedy, very secluded, but Garbo had a man who was beyond rich to support her.
All my friends are dying. That's why I always wear black.
Comediennes are the lucky ones, because if you're funny, you can be 125 years old and they will still accept you.
I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
Put me up against Sarah Silverman and I could take her.
The thing is, I'm happiest when I'm on stage.
I was a Brownie Scout mother.
The worst thing that ever happened to me on stage is someone ran forward to tell me they loved me and projectile vomited all over the stage. It was horrible.
I lived to be on stage, and I'm terrified. Terrified before every show.
I have a wonderful psychiatrist that I see maybe once a year, because I don't need it. It all comes out onstage.
I just love acting.
If you're saying the same line 10 times and making it look like you just came up with it, that's acting.
Every television show you go on is a choice.
I hate reality shows that are not reality.
I was not an attractive child.
A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.
Yeah, I read history. But it doesn't make you nice. Hitler read history, too.
My obstetrician was so dumb that when I gave birth he forgot to cut the cord. For a year that kid followed me everywhere. It was like having a dog on a leash.
There is not one female comic who was beautiful as a little girl.
I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.
She doesn't understand the concept of Roman numerals. She thought we just fought in world war eleven.
Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress.
It's so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up who.
Being Jewish has always been important to me. I now have 6M tattooed on the inside of my left arm. It's only a half-inch, but every time anyone sees it, they're reminded of the six million who perished, and so am I.
My career is as an actress. I am an actress playing a comedienne.
We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.
I could pull my living in and live OK, but I don't want to live OK. I'm very happy to live in my penthouse, very happy I can pick up a check, very happy to have a great life and be able to spread my wealth a little bit.
I've always been salaried; I've never owned anything. I've done very well, lived very well.
Show business is - you're there by somebody's fluke. And as long as somebody likes you, and the show is going well, you're fine. I'd do anything. There's so much I want to do.
Nobody wants to hear that you met Harry Truman... I met Harry Truman... But you know what I mean? Nobody's interested. They want to know you met Rihanna. And that kills me.
Fat jokes aren't relevant, but they're hilarious when you find them.
When I turn down work, I feel guilty, I feel terrible; I don't know where the next job is going to come from.
I hate old people, I hate children. I think any celebrity that adopts a child from a third world country is a fool.
I've learned you don't always listen to your agents and managers. Sometimes they know nothing.
I've learned from my dealings with Johnny Carson that no matter what kind of friendship you think you have with people you're working with, when the chips are down, it's all about business.
I've learned from doing my own show with Fox that people are not your partners if they're signing the checks. Whoever signs your paycheck is the boss - no matter what they tell you.
I always like a charity with people who don't speak English because I get them to do all kinds of things around my house.
It's feast or famine in showbiz.
I am for anyone that will give me lower taxes, stop all this stupid spending. Whoever promises me that gets this chicken's vote.
My husband wanted to be cremated. I told him I'd scatter his ashes at Neiman Marcus - that way, I'd visit him every day.
I don't think there'd be a Tina Fey now if I hadn't tried to look good in the beginning.
It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.
Is Elizabeth Taylor fat? Her favorite food is seconds.
Elizabeth Taylor has more chins than the Chinese telephone directory.
Don't tell your kids you had an easy birth or they won't respect you. For years I used to wake up my daughter and say, 'Melissa you ripped me to shreds. Now go back to sleep.'.
Before we make love my husband takes a pain killer.
Our natures are a lot like oil, mix us with anything else, and we strive to swim on top.
Life does not measure up to performing... Performing is perfect.
With plastic surgery, the general anesthetic is like a black-velvety sleep, and that's what death is - without waking up to someone clapping and going, 'Joan, wake up, it's all over and you're looking pretty'.
I get butterflies before I go out to say hello at a party.
As comedians, we are all laughing because life is so horrible. Life is so difficult, and I cope with it by making jokes about absolutely everything.
Comedy is learning to be funny, and you learn to be funny in small rooms with young audiences.
I'm Jewish. I don't work out. If God had wanted us to bend over, He would have put diamonds on the floor.
My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.
I do a lot of lectures on survival. I always say you can't change what happened, so have a little wallow, feel very sorry for yourself, and then get up and move forward. You can't change what happened.
I live very well, but I support a lot of relatives.
I'm in nobody's circle, I've always been an outsider.
I think anyone who's perfectly happy isn't particularly funny.
Forty for you, sixty for me. And equal partners we will be.
My best birth control now is just to leave the lights on.
The ideal beauty is a fugitive which is never found.
Don't follow any advice, no matter how good, until you feel as deeply in your spirit as you think in your mind that the counsel is wise.
I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.
I will only praise someone who can't take anything away from me.
Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.
I wish I had a twin, so I could know what I'd look like without plastic surgery.
I'm always shocked when I get an invitation. People are always shocked when they see me at a party.
People say that money is not the key to happiness, but I always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.
I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'
I have no methods; all I do is accept people as they are.
Diets, like clothes, should be tailored to you.
