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A collection of quotes and thoughts by Jerry Seinfeld on funny, one-liner, marriage, wedding-toast, catchphrase, top, life, reason, thinking, evidence, love and laugh.

36 Famous Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld That Will Leave You Splitting A Gut

Quick Facts

Born On
29 April 1954 AD

Born In
Brooklyn

Age
63

Jerry Seinfeld is an eminent American writer, actor, stand-up comedian, director and producer. He is recognized for playing himself in ‘Seinfeld’ which was also created and written by him, along with Larry David. He also voiced the protagonist in ‘Bee Movie’. A reality series titled, ‘The Marriage Ref’ was also premiered by Seinfeld. He specializes in observational comedy and his gigs often express his thoughts about embarrassing social situations and relationships. He is the host of ‘Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee’, a web series, which was also created by him. He was also named the ‘12th Greatest Stand-Up Comedians Of All Time’ by Comedy Central in 2005. We have rounded up some rib-tickling and popular quotable quotes and sayings by the multi-faceted artist which have been extracted from his gigs, writings, books, thoughts, films, dialogues, shows, interviews, public utterances, work and life. Zoom through the quotes and thoughts by Jerry Seinfeld.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

- Jerry Seinfeld

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

- Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

- Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

- Jerry Seinfeld

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

- Jerry Seinfeld

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

- Jerry Seinfeld

It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

- Jerry Seinfeld

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

- Jerry Seinfeld

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

- Jerry Seinfeld

The best revenge is living well.

- Jerry Seinfeld

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

- Halloween, Jerry Seinfeld

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

- Jerry Seinfeld

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

- Jerry Seinfeld

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

- Jerry Seinfeld

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

- Jerry Seinfeld

No soup for you

- Jerry Seinfeld

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

- Jerry Seinfeld

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

- Jerry Seinfeld

I chose not to run

- Jerry Seinfeld

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

- Jerry Seinfeld

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

- Jerry Seinfeld

Festivus for the Restivus!

- Jerry Seinfeld

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

- Jerry Seinfeld

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

- Jerry Seinfeld

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

- Jerry Seinfeld

You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

- Jerry Seinfeld

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

- Jerry Seinfeld

There is no such thing as love for the whole family.

- Jerry Seinfeld

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

- Jerry Seinfeld

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

- Jerry Seinfeld