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36 Famous Quotes By Jerry Seinfeld That Will Leave You Splitting A Gut

Famous As: Actor & Stand-up Comedian Known for Creating and Starring in the NBC Sitcom 'Seinfeld'
Born On: April 29, 1954
Born In: Brooklyn, New York, United States
Age: 68 Years
Jerry Seinfeld is an eminent American writer, actor, stand-up comedian, director and producer. He is recognized for playing himself in ‘Seinfeld’ which was also created and written by him, along with Larry David. He also voiced the protagonist in ‘Bee Movie’. A reality series titled, ‘The Marriage Ref’ was also premiered by Seinfeld. He specializes in observational comedy and his gigs often express his thoughts about embarrassing social situations and relationships. He is the host of ‘Comedians In Cars Getting Coffee’, a web series, which was also created by him. He was also named the ‘12th Greatest Stand-Up Comedians Of All Time’ by Comedy Central in 2005. We have rounded up some rib-tickling and popular quotable quotes and sayings by the multi-faceted artist which have been extracted from his gigs, writings, books, thoughts, films, dialogues, shows, interviews, public utterances, work and life. Zoom through the quotes and thoughts by Jerry Seinfeld.
If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Jerry Seinfeld
Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

Jerry Seinfeld
Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld
Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld
What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

Jerry Seinfeld
Elaine: Ugh, I hate people.
Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Jerry Seinfeld
A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Jerry Seinfeld
Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they’re killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let’s make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

Jerry Seinfeld
It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

It s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

Jerry Seinfeld
If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Jerry Seinfeld
You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

Jerry Seinfeld
Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

Jerry Seinfeld
The best revenge is living well.

The best revenge is living well.

Jerry Seinfeld
And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

Jerry Seinfeld
I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Jerry Seinfeld
What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Jerry Seinfeld
I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

Jerry Seinfeld
When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

Jerry Seinfeld
Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Jerry Seinfeld
No soup for you

No soup for you

Jerry Seinfeld
You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

Jerry Seinfeld
Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

Jerry Seinfeld
I chose not to run

I chose not to run

Jerry Seinfeld
A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Jerry Seinfeld
Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Jerry Seinfeld
The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Jerry Seinfeld
I don't understand women at all. 
Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Jerry Seinfeld
I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

Jerry Seinfeld
You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

Jerry Seinfeld
Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

Jerry Seinfeld
I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

Jerry Seinfeld
There is no such thing as love for the whole family.

There is no such thing as love for the whole family.

Jerry Seinfeld
If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

Jerry Seinfeld