69 Groucho Marx Quotes That Will Tickle Your Funny Bone

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Groucho Marx  

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

You

Groucho Marx  

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Groucho Marx  

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

Groucho Marx  

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Me

Groucho Marx  

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Groucho Marx  

Room service? Send up a larger room.

Groucho Marx  

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

Time

Groucho Marx  

Either he's dead or my watch has stopped.

Groucho Marx  

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Me

Groucho Marx  

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Me Never

Groucho Marx  

A man's only as old as the woman he feels.

Groucho Marx  

Women should be obscene and not heard.

Groucho Marx  

Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough.

Groucho Marx  

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

Groucho Marx  

Go, and never darken my towels again.

Never

Groucho Marx  

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

You

Groucho Marx  

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Me Will

Groucho Marx  

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

Like

Groucho Marx  

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Music

Groucho Marx  

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.

Groucho Marx  

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Groucho Marx  

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

You Me

Groucho Marx  

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

You

Groucho Marx  

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

Me

Groucho Marx  

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Groucho Marx  

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Groucho Marx  

Marriage is a wonderful institution, but who wants to live in an institution?

Groucho Marx  

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Groucho Marx  

My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.

Groucho Marx  

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows - marriage does.

Groucho Marx  

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

You

Groucho Marx  

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Me

Groucho Marx  

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Groucho Marx  

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Relationship

Groucho Marx  

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

Groucho Marx  

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

You Me

Groucho Marx  

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Groucho Marx  

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

Groucho Marx  

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

Like

Groucho Marx  

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Groucho Marx  

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

Never

Groucho Marx  

My favourite poem is the one that starts 'Thirty days hath September' because it actually tells you something.

You

Groucho Marx  

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Wedding

Groucho Marx  

I intend to live forever, or die trying.

Trying

Groucho Marx  

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

Wedding

Groucho Marx  

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

Never

Groucho Marx  

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

You Me Time

Groucho Marx  

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

Groucho Marx  

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

Me Like

Groucho Marx  

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Groucho Marx  

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

You Like

Groucho Marx  

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Groucho Marx  

Humor is reason gone mad.

Groucho Marx  

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Groucho Marx  

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Groucho Marx  

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Me

Groucho Marx  

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

You

Groucho Marx  

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

Time

Groucho Marx  

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx  

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Me

Groucho Marx  

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Groucho Marx  

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Life

Groucho Marx  

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

Groucho Marx  

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

Groucho Marx  

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

You Life

Groucho Marx  

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Groucho Marx  

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

You Me

Groucho Marx  

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Life Time

Groucho Marx