Do your thing and don't care if they like it.
Some people say, “Never let them see you cry.” I say, if you’re so mad you could just cry, then cry. It terrifies everyone.
If you retain nothing else, always remember the most important rule of beauty, which is: who cares?
Gay people don’t actually try to convert people. That’s Jehovah’s Witnesses you’re thinking of.
To say I’m an overrated troll, when you have never even seen me guard a bridge, is patently unfair.
My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.
Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don’t just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.
You can’t be that kid standing at the top of the waterslide, overthinking it. You have to go down the chute.
By the way, when Oprah Winfrey is suggesting you may have overextended yourself, you need to examine your fucking life.
In most cases being a good boss means hiring talented people and then getting out of their way.
I feel about Photoshop the way some people feel about abortion. It is appalling and a tragic reflection on the moral decay of our society…unless I need it, in which case, everybody be cool.
You could put a blond wig on a hot-water heater and some dude would try to fuck it.
Don't waste your energy trying to change opinions ... Do your thing, and don't care if they like it.
THERE ARE NO MISTAKES, only opportunities.
Whitney Houston’s cover of “I Will Always Love You” was constantly on my FM Walkman radio around that time. I think that made me cry because I associated it with absolutely no one.
Photoshop is just like makeup. When it’s done well it looks great, and when it’s overdone you look like a crazy asshole.
Obviously, as an adult I realize this girl-on-girl sabotage is the third worst kind of female behavior, right behind saying "like" all the time and leaving your baby in a dumpster.
You can tell how smart people are by what they laugh at.
[T]he definition of 'crazy' in show business is a woman who keeps talking even after no one wants to fuck her anymore.
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated. Perfect is boring on live TV.
When choosing sexual partners, remember: Talent is not sexually transmittable.
The show doesn’t go on because it’s ready; it goes on because it’s 11:30.
I think someone should design exercise machines that reward people with sex at the end of their workouts, because people will perform superhuman feats for even the faint hope of that.
What Turning Forty Means to Me I need to take my pants off as soon as I get home. I didn't used to have to do that. But now I do.
Never tell a crazy person he’s crazy.
This made no sense to me, probably because I speak English and have never had a head injury.
Confidence is 10% hard work and 90% delusion.
And I can see Russia from my house.
You have to remember that actors are human beings. Which is hard sometimes because they look so much better than human beings.
 )
(My proudest moment as a child was the time I beat my uncle Pierre at Scrabble with the seven-letter word FARTING.)
...nothing is creepier than a bunch of adults being very quiet.
There is no one of-woman-born who does not like Red Lobster cheddar biscuits. Anyone who claims otherwise is a liar and a Socialist.
No other formula gives your baby a better start in life except that stuff that comes out of you for free.
It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life.
You must not look in that mirror at your doughy legs and flat feet, for today is about dreams and illusions, and unfiltered natural daylight is the enemy of dreams.
You know who DOES have a funny bone in her body? Your Mom every night for a dollar!
This requires a level of delusion/egomania usually reserved for popes and drag queens
Ah, babies! They’re more than just adorable little creatures on whom you can blame your farts.
I was wearing my best Gap turtleneck and my dates were two adult lesbians, so yea, I was pretty cool.
I’ll be ready for it to happen and that way it won’t happen. It’s a burden, being able to control situations with my hyper-vigilance, but it’s my lot in life.
Sometimes if you have a difficult decisin to make, just stall until the answer presents itself.
Say yes and you'll figure it out afterwards.
It is an impressively arrogant move to conclude that just because you don't like something, it is empirically not good.
Anytime there's a bad female stand-up somewhere, some dickhead Interblogger will deduce that “women aren't funny.” Using that same math, I can state: Male comedy writers piss in cups.
[...] things most people do naturally are often inexplicably difficult for me.
When hiring, mix Harvard Nerds with Chicago Improvisers and stir.
Am I just chasing it because it's the hardest thing for me to get and I want to prove I can do it?
I prefer the retro chic of spending Christmas just like Joseph and Mary did - Traveling arduously back to the place of your birth to be counted, with no guarantee of a bed when you get there.
It's like being a little kid again, parading around in a nightgown tucked into your underpants, believing it looks terrific.
I want to go to there.
He alternated between ignoring me and shooting me disdainful looks that clearly said “Who is this ugly off-brand non-sorority girl ruining our homo-erotic bro-times?
You all watched a sketch about feminism and you didn't even know it because of all the jokes. It's like when Jessica Seinfeld puts spinach in kids' brownies. Suckers!
Finally the world would see my full range of comedy characters - from grouchy librarian to Russian librarian.
When actors are too good-looking, I can’t memorize them. For example, I have never seen a picture of Sienna Miller where I didn’t say, “That girl’s pretty. Who is that?
Now go to bed, you crazy night owl! You have to be at NASA early in the morning. So they can look for your penis with the Hubble telescope.
That night's show was watched by ten million people, so I guess that director at The Second City who said the audience "didn't want to see a sketch with two women" can go shit in his hat.
Sometimes you want to have a very productive Saturday to feel that you are in control of your life, which of course you are not.
Either way, everything will be fine. But if you have an opinion, please feel free to offer it to me through the gap in the door of a public restroom. Everyone else does.
It’s no more dangerous to society than a radio broadcast of The War of the Worlds.
...I can't possibly take time off for a second baby, unless I do, in which case that is nobody's business and I'll never regret it for a moment unless it ruins my life.
It will never be perfect, but perfect is overrated.
I learned quickly that trying to force Country Folk to love the Big City is like telling your gay cousin, "You just haven't met the right girl yet.
A combustion engine of ambition and disappointment.
Tracy: Stop eating people's old french fries, little pigeon. Have some self-respect. Don't you know you can fly?
I had my hair in a ponytail and looked my trademark exhausted.
Then she took out a speculum the size of a milk shake machine. Even Michelle Duggar would have flinched at this thing, but I had never seen one before.
The topic of working moms is a tap-dance recital in a minefield.
I went back outside and manually released my butt cheeks.
...the Rule of Agreement reminds you to “respect what your partner has created” and to at least start from an open-minded place. Start with a YES and see where that takes you.
The same ten minutes that magazines urge me to use for sit-ups and triceps dips, I used for sobbing.
You have to try your hardest to be at the top of your game and improve every joke you can until the last possible second, and then you have to let it go.
Seriously, I've just realized that almost everyone is a fraud, so I try not to feel too bad about it.
...the music seems creepy, like when children sing in a horror movie
In my limited experience, shows are like children. You can teach them manners and dress them in little sailor suits, but in the end, they're going to be who they're going to be.
Your initiations are worthwhile.
When I first set out to ruin SNL, I didn't think anyone would notice, but i persevered because like you trying to a do a nine- piece jigsaw puzzle, it was a labor of love.
I felt like that character in Flowers for Algernon. Not Charlie, the lady teacher from the college who realizes, 'I've got to stop dry-humping this mentally challenged guy!
The eyes are the window to where the soul is supposed to be.
If you're going to expend energy being mad about Photoshop, you'll also have to be mad about earrings. No one's ears are that sparkly!
If a bout of "creepy face" sets in, the trick is to look away from the camera between shots and turn back only when necessary. This also limits how much of your soul the camera can steal.
To me YEs, AND means don't be afraid to contribute. It's your responsibility to contribute. Always make sure you're adding something to the discussion. Your initiations are worthwhile.
How do you juggle it all' people constantly ask me, with an accusatory look in their eyes. 'You're fucking it all up, aren't you' their eyes say.
To this day, all I know is there are between two and four openings down there and that the set up inside looks vaguely like the Texas Longhorns logo.
In an attempt to make things easier for myself, which is the basis for all of history's worst decisions [...].
It was a major and deeply embarrassing teenage revelation. It must be how straight teenage boys feel when they realize those boobs they like have heads attached to them.
Why can't we accept the human form as it is?" screams no one. I don't know why, but we never have. That's why people wore corsets and neck stretchers and powdered wigs.
Either way, everything will be fine.
...my electric-blue-suitmate was an uninhibited vagina about town.
In other words: Whatever the problem, be part of the solution. Don't just sit around raising questions and pointing out obstacles.
Bitch get stuff done
These are dark times. Back in my Wildwood days with Janet, you were either blessed with a beautiful body or not. And if you were not, you could just chill out and learn a trade.
Donna was an enigma wrapped in bacon wrapped in a crescent roll.
I have a great gynecologist who is as gifted at listening as she is at rectal exams.
Wieners, punch, and spinning into barfing would later be referred to as the "Paris Hilton".
Thomas Jefferson - another gorgeous white boy who would not have been interested in me.
...you can almost hear people’s b-holes tighten. A collective cartoon-mouse squeak of b-hole.
Defective" was a big word in our house. Many things were labeled "defective" only to miraculously turn functional once the directions had been read more thoroughly.
How can I give her what Don Fey gave me? The gift of anxiety. The fear of getting in trouble. The knowledge that while you are loved, you are not above the law.
Politics and prostitution have to be the only jobs where inexperience is considered a virtue. In what other profession would you brag about not knowing stuff?
The person closest to actually achieving this look is Kim Kardashian, who, as we know, was made by Russian scientists to sabotage our athletes.
