It never was my plan to get into television.
I like a real beach. A crowded one, you know? People, towels, umbrellas. I hate those little private strips of sand you see up in Malibu.
It is kind of funny that the people who don't think Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president are so worried that Hillary Clinton is fit and healthy enough to be president.
Sometimes I'll feel like an interview was fine or whatever, and people go, 'Oh, boy, I saw you with so and so last night; that must have been tough.' And then I'm like, 'I guess it was bad. I need to look back at that.'
I have had a lot of experience in broadcasting.
I never imagined being on television.
I did not have any delusions of grandeur as a kid.
I still love comic books. When you have a kid, that's an excuse to keep reading all the comic books.
People's lives are boring.
You don't need to exorcise your personal demons onstage.
I don't really need to be dirty to be funny.
I know there are, like, 12 rules for late night: a desk, a band. Will people take me seriously if I don't wear a tie?
I can't be as flip as I once was.
My aunt and uncle are clearly civilians.
I have like fifteen televisions in my house.
I only get unusual ailments.
I definitely feel pressure to keep slim. I don't want to be the guy who lost weight and gained it all back. But it's hard. Sometimes I'll gorge and gain nine pounds in a weekend somehow, and I get bummed about it.
I don't eat two days a week. And people are fascinated by it, but it works. If you cut two days of food out of your life you will lose weight.
There is no way, if I was running ABC, I would have kept me on the air.
The truth is, we have this idea that late night is about creativity and being cool, but that's not our job. Our job is to get as many people watching the commercials in between our show. That's the reality of it.
When you know someone you can make a little more fun of them without them getting offended.
I describe myself as a human being.
On Letterman and Leno, it always bothers me when they go outside the studio and it's daytime.
I'm a creative consultant, whatever that means.
I'm a terrible golfer.
No matter who it is, I hate to see people losing their jobs. I really do.
My definition of cursing is probably different from what other people's definitions are.
Almost every week, someone's mad at me.
At the Emmys, you've got a bunch of people who are used to being on TV on TV. You don't have that at the Oscars. At the Oscars, you have people who are used to having 40 takes.
If I have one criticism of the other late-night shows, it's that they're almost entirely scripted.
