Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Funny quotes by Craig Ferguson on war, America, life, beauty and other things.

100 Funny Quotes By Craig Ferguson, The Author Of American On Purpose

Quick Facts

Born On: May 17, 1962

Born In: Springburn

Craig Ferguson is a television personality, who is famous for being a standup comedia, actor, producer and voice over professional. He was born in Scotland in 1962 and initially performed in the UK, before moving to the United States at the age of 21. He started off as a drummer for a musical band but later on switched to standup comedy. He found success with The Craig Ferguson Show and later on the show 2000 Not Out among others. Ferguson then went to the US and it was with The Drew Carry Show that he became a well-known face in the American comedy circuit. He has also acted in several films and some of them include Niagara Motel, Chaine of Fools, The Ugly Truth and Lenny the Wonder Dog among others. Other well-known shows that he has hosted include The Late Night Show With Craig Ferguson, Join or Die With Craig Ferguson and Celebrity Name Game. Ferguson is currently regarded as one of the world’s most prominent standup comedians and his shows are consistently well received by a varied audience across the world. Here are some of the best quotes from Craig Ferguson.

If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!

Craig Ferguson

If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.

Craig Ferguson

....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.

Craig Ferguson

I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.

Craig Ferguson

I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.

Craig Ferguson

I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.

Craig Ferguson

Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.

Craig Ferguson

You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry

Craig Ferguson

If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.

Craig Ferguson

Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.

Craig Ferguson

Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.

Craig Ferguson

I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.

Craig Ferguson

Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.

Craig Ferguson

I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.

Craig Ferguson

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.

Craig Ferguson

I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.

Craig Ferguson

Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.

Craig Ferguson

I'm always a bit shy around evil people...

Craig Ferguson

I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!

Craig Ferguson

Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.

Craig Ferguson

Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.

Craig Ferguson

When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.

Craig Ferguson

Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.

Craig Ferguson

You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.

Craig Ferguson

Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012

Craig Ferguson

I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.

Craig Ferguson

I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.

Craig Ferguson

I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.

Craig Ferguson

I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.

Craig Ferguson

It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.

Craig Ferguson

Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.

Craig Ferguson

She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.

Craig Ferguson

Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.

Craig Ferguson

The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.

Craig Ferguson

Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.

Craig Ferguson

I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.

Craig Ferguson

You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.

Craig Ferguson

I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.

Craig Ferguson

People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.

Craig Ferguson

It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?

Craig Ferguson

You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.

Craig Ferguson

Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.

Craig Ferguson

If you don't vote, you're a moron.

Craig Ferguson

Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.

Craig Ferguson

From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?

Craig Ferguson

The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.

Craig Ferguson

There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.

Craig Ferguson

Oh Satan you're a wily one.

Craig Ferguson

That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.

Craig Ferguson

I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.

Craig Ferguson

For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.

Craig Ferguson

Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.

Craig Ferguson

It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.

Craig Ferguson

Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!

Craig Ferguson

I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.

Craig Ferguson

At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.

Craig Ferguson

I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it

Craig Ferguson

It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.

Craig Ferguson

This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.

Craig Ferguson

With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.

Craig Ferguson

Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.

Craig Ferguson

The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.

Craig Ferguson

This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it

Craig Ferguson

I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.

Craig Ferguson

If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.

Craig Ferguson

I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.

Craig Ferguson

You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.

Craig Ferguson

The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.

Craig Ferguson

Stand by your bed and salute me.

Craig Ferguson

I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.

Craig Ferguson

Time is only linear for engineers and referees.

Craig Ferguson

Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.

Craig Ferguson

After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.

Craig Ferguson

114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.

Craig Ferguson

I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.

Craig Ferguson

Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?

Craig Ferguson

I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.

Craig Ferguson

I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.

Craig Ferguson

By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!

Craig Ferguson

Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know

Craig Ferguson

There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.

Craig Ferguson

Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.

Craig Ferguson

That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.

Craig Ferguson

I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.

Craig Ferguson

My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.

Craig Ferguson

Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.

Craig Ferguson

Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.

Craig Ferguson

If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.

Craig Ferguson

The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.

Craig Ferguson

My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.

Craig Ferguson

I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.

Craig Ferguson

I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.

Craig Ferguson

I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.

Craig Ferguson

Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.

Craig Ferguson

A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.

Craig Ferguson

I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.

Craig Ferguson

I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery.

Craig Ferguson

Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till the gorilla's done.

Craig Ferguson

It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe....

Craig Ferguson

Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.

Craig Ferguson