If a man doesn't know how to dance he doesn't know how to make love, there I said it!
If I start giving people what they like I'll turn into one of them and I don't want to be one of them I want to be one of me.
....maybe fear is God's way of saying, "Pay attention, this could be fun.
I love zombies. If any monster could Riverdance, it would be zombies.
I think when you become a parent you go from being a star in the movie of your own life to the supporting player in the movie of someone else's.
I didn't say no because between safety and adventure I choose adventure.
If I have a near-beer, I’m near beer. And if I’m near beer, I’m close to tequila. And if I’m close to tequila, I’m adjacent to cocaine.
Everything I think of now is too rude to actually say.
You gotta laugh because if you didn't you'd cry
Anyone who's just driven 90 yards against huge men trying to kill them has earned the right to do Jazz hands.
Whether I or anyone else accepted the concept of alcoholism as a disease didn't matter; what mattered was that when treated as a disease, those who suffered from it were most likely to recover.
I like football. I find its an exciting strategic game. Its a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.
Thanks cows. I appreciate your tastiness.
I don't just like sexual double entendres I love them, I stroke them, I milk them, I spank them when they're naughty.
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with telling the truth. I know it isn’t fashionable.
I'm gonna enjoy being old I think I'll be awesome at it.
Its easier to feel a little more spiritual with a couple of bucks in your pocket.
I'm always a bit shy around evil people...
I freely admit I'm confused. I'm a confused and troubled individual but at the same time...Its Free!
Twas the night before Thanksgiving. All the food's in the oven. And I'm in the bedroom performin' self lovin'.
Every day I ran to that book like it was a bottle of whiskey and crawled inside because it was a world that I had at least some control over, and slowly, in time, it began to take shape.
When in doubt about who's to blame. Blame the English.
Canada is not the party. Its the apartment above the party.
You better watch out. You better not cry. You better not pout, I'm telling you why, Cause Santa Clause might put a cap in your ass.
Oprah's quitting in 2011. Now we know why the Mayans ended their calendar in 2012
I knew that I had been partially right in the storeroom above the bar on Christmas Day. Whoever I had become had to die.
I'm not so much a dragon slayer, more a dragon annoyer -- I'm a dragon irritater.
I think holidays create so much pressure because people feel they should be having a good time. But you shouldn't.
I have a deep and profound mistrust of all politicians.
She still cared for me, and the best way I could make amends to her was to be happy. I do have a knack for finding great women.
It may be that the fear contains information. Something can be interesting if you get to the other side of that fear.
Sometimes people think you’re smart if you question the status quo, if nothing else.
Divorce lawyers stoke anger and fear in their clients, knowing that as long as the conflicts remain unresolved the revenue stream will keep flowing.
I think in our desire to create a better America,we have to have civilized debate in this country and not just yelling.
The worst gift I was given is when I got out of rehab that Christmas; a bottle of wine. It was delicious.
Dr. Jeckyll & Mr. Hyde is a metaphor for alcoholism. He drinks a potion, becomes a monster. I know exactly how he feels.
You clap. The Censor wakes up. We all get into trouble.
I have that hypocrisy of a parent in that I'm like,'Come on, you've got to toughen up at the same time let me take care of that for you.
People talk to old people like they're children.'Oh you're very old aren't you?' Yeah I'm old. I'm not stupid.
If you don't vote, you're a moron.
You can never talk religion on network TV. It makes too many people angry. You can talk about sex.
Laughter separates us from despair, and gives us a chance at love.
It seemed that I performed better sober than drunk. Who knew?
Ros was dead. He had loved heroin more than it loved him. I was shocked beyond imagining; he was the first of my friends to fall.
From this moment on I'd dedicate my life to rock and roll and take as many drugs as possible. What could possibly go wrong?
Oh Satan you're a wily one.
The views expressed by Me are in no way endorsed by CBS any of its allied companies or in fact Me.
There is no Thanksgiving back in the old country where I come from. You know why? Because being thankful is a sin.
That's why I believe in a Constitution which separates church from state. I've seen what happens when they get in cahoots.
I found the prospect daunting, but somehow comforting, too, because the counselors insisted it could be done, and, after all, many of them were recovering alcoholics themselves.
For my birthday that year Anne gave me an inflatable atlas globe, along with a birthday card in which she wrote: I give you the world. Have fun blowing it up.
Old people really do have a secret though. You wanna know what it is? Luck.
It 's the time of year when Canadians mate.
Harry Potter, he sends a message on Owl Mail while us poor old muggles have to make do with instantaneous emails and texting. Oh, if only we could be like you Harry Potter, with your four day owl delivery!
I do love America. And LA is a very short commute to America its like half an hour on the plane.
At CBS, I’m in your house. I’m mindful of that. When I do standup, you’re in my home and I can say what I want to.
I think commercialism helps Christmas and I think that the more capitalism we can inject into the Christmas holiday the more spiritual I feel about it
It's a book. It's mine. And it's done.
This story is true. Of course, there are many lies therein and most of it did not happen, but it's all true. In that sense it is deeply religious, perhaps even biblical.
With good parody, you have to be smarter that the people you’re parodying.
Even the incorruptible are corruptible if they cannot accept the possibility of being mistaken. Infallibility is a sin in any man. All laws can be broken and are. Often.
The world can be such a fright, but it belongs to us tonight.
This book could scare them. The sex, the violence, the dream sequences and the iconoclasm - I think a lot of people are uncomfortable with that. I understand that. It was very uncomfortable to write some of it
I found out it is just as hard to make a movie that you are not proud of as it is to make one you love.
If you can't trust, you can't be trustworthy.
I don't think wood was discovered in Britain until the 1970's. That's when I discovered it anyway.
You know who they're blaming for global warming now? This is true. Fat people.
The Bible has been through at least half a dozen translations by the time you read it. Plus, when the word of God is infected by the hand of man, that is, written down, it is tainted.
Stand by your bed and salute me.
I think people are as individual as snowflakes, they kinda look alike but no two are the exactly the same, and all classification is the root of prejudice.
Time is only linear for engineers and referees.
Congratulations to the NBA champion Boston Celtics - they beat the Los Angeles Lakers by 39 points. Or as Hillary Clinton would say, "Too close to call.
After all this time I found that the novel is in fact punk rock.
114 isn't as old as it used to be they say its the new 104.
I had lived in fear of the fabled terrifying visions that assail chronic drinkers, but which had not yet attacked me.
Sometimes my pathology just spills out into the camera doesn't it?
I didn't flee a dictator or swim an ocean to be an American like some do. I just thought long and hard about it.
I think comedy as an art involves the audience as a participant as much as is involves the artist.
By the power of Steven Wright's Beard!
Look, there is nothing you can say about this show that I don't already know
There's a commercial break coming and I'm very excited about it and you know why? Because that's what keeps daddy in suits.
Much of television has been homogenized in the desire to avoid annoying or upsetting people.
That's why Credit card companies are evil. Are they sponsoring the show tonight? ... They are Evil.
I realize that I am not a journalist. So anything I say is not important.
My job is to find the politicians and the presidents and the pompous people who are telling other people how to live, powerful, visible creatures and ... go at them.
Strange star-like object over Oslo right before Obama arrives. A gift of a golden medal given by a group of wise men... Nah.
Tomorrow is your future's yesterday.
If you absolutely believe that what you do is right, you're bullet-proof.
The clocks understood, they kept moving, motion, following the truth that change is the nature of God's mind, and resistance to it is the source of great pain.
My mother was tickled and I think kind of proud when my father got hit on my an attractive middle-aged Asian lady who hadn't noticed he was with his family. He was certainly pleased about it.
I was ambitious and desperate to direct my first film, so I capitulated and blew it. Never again. Never fucking again.
I know the fashion is that everything is fair game [for comedy material] but I don't believe that.
I do a public access show with puppets. Puppets called actors, TV and movie stars.
Its like a sort of internet Ren Fair. Its like Dungeons & Dragons but for cool people who have got friends.
A junkie will steal your purse, and then help you look for it.
I don’t think being a comedian gives you any fucking insight into what makes people laugh.
I like to believe that there is an extra warm corner of hell for these fuckers who traffic in emotional misery.
Violence of any kind, once it starts, is like fucking a gorilla-you ain't done till the gorilla's done.
It turns out that speeding irresponsibly in a large truck, placing personal wealth ahead of the welfare of others, is one of the greatest sins in the Universe....
Acid gave me a clinical, unblinking look at madness, and I discovered I wasn't brave enough to be insane.
