I want to perform an unnatural act.
The crooks downtown figured out that comedy is like a hammer. It can put up a barn and it can knock down a wall. So they bought it outright and marketed it as Comedy Central.
If you can take the hot lead enema, then you can cast the first stone.
If I get busted in New York, the freest city in the world, that will be the end of my career.
Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.
I was a Jew talking about Goyim religion. If I had just stuck to Moses, everything would have been cool. But, copping to being part of the whole Christ murder conspiracy got everyone goose-stepping again.
You can't just run out and start the car until some cat invents a car.
I credit the motion picture industry as the strongest environmental factor in molding the children of my day.
There's always a down side with any freedom. It's not just homosexual freedom, but any sexual freedom comes at a price, and that is usually art.
There is only what is and that's it. What should be is a dirty lie.
What you end up with is outrageousness without the laugh - comedy as electro shock therapy.
I'm sure that half the buzz from smoking grass was the fact that it was so illegal.
I've talked to biblical cats, and Neanderthals who been here since day one. No one here has even seen the Big Boss. Ever.
The role of a comedian is to make the audience laugh, at a minimum of once every fifteen seconds.
Communism is just one big telephone company.
Miami Beach is where neon goes to die.
If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish
Communism is like one big phone company.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it... try to fake three laughs in an hour - ha ha ha ha ha - they'll take you away, man. You can't.
Once you sleep on feathers you can't go back to sleeping on the floor.
I'm not a comedian. I'm Lenny Bruce.
Sex and obscenity are not synonymous.
Anyone who does anything for pleasure to indulge his selfish soul will surely burn in Hell.
I'll die young, but it's like kissing God.
Satire is tragedy plus time.
Certain things are complete superstition and have no validity at all in the Bible. Yeah. They're just the antithesis of everything that is correct intellectually.
TV is just advertising for your live gig, so I'm playing whichever show is gonna get me the biggest crowd.
All my humor is based upon destruction and despair.
When you're eight years old, nothing is any of your business.
You got to pay your dues to get the joke. Besides, laughter is cheap and very portable. If there's a pogrom, or they're blaming you for the plague, nothing is easier to pack than a sense of humor.
You put a guy on a desert island, he'll do it to mud, a chicken, a barrel, anything, a knothole.
Wouldn't it be nice if all the people who are lonesome could live in one big dormitory, sleep in beds next to each other, talk, laugh, and keep the lights on as long as they want to?
If you believe there is a God, a God that made your body, and yet you think that you can do anything with that body that's dirty, then the fault lies with the manufacturer.
Satire is tragedy plus time. You give it enough time, the public, the reviewers will allow you to satirize it. Which is rather ridiculous, when you think about it.
The only honest art form is laughter, comedy. You can't fake it.
Every group needs a comedian. A comic who is politically incorrect at the Berkeley campus might slay them at a Klan rally.
In the Halls of Justice the only justice is in the halls.
The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.
I tried the religion scam in Miami, so I know how hard that gig is. But, if you can get it to work, starting your own religion is a license to print money.
When earth gets good and crowded, like 15th century England, then some new Pilgrims are gonna rocket their Mayflowers to a new solar system.
If I just stuck to pot I might have found out what a drag being an aging hipster actually was.
A lot of people say to me, 'Why did you kill Christ?' I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.
Every tribe needs a good front man to sell the program. Who better to convince the Middle East to give up the oil, than a brown man with a Muslim name?
Life is a four-letter word.
I am influenced by every second of my waking hour.
If you're going to stop masturbating, you can't taper off. You've got to quit, cold jerky!
I've been accused of bad taste, and I'll go down to my grave accused of it and always by the same people, the ones who eat in restaurants that reserve the right to refuse service to anyone.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to God.
I hate small towns because once you've seen the cannon in the park there's nothing else to do.
If something about the human body disgusts you, the fault lies with the manufacturer.
What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.
If there was absolute freedom, people would run over babies and charge admission.
That's where the conflict starts. We all want for a wife a combination Sunday school teacher and a $500-a-night hooker.
To say whatever nonsense comes into your head without any repercussions has got to be a bigger high than heckling a movie screen in a darkened theater.
Trying to figure things out was my gig. Without the human condition, there's no struggle, no pain and that means no laughter.
Alright, let's admit it, we Jews killed Christ - but it was only for three days.
Let me tell you the truth: The truth is what is. And what should be is a fantasy a terrible, terrible lie that someone gave the people long ago.
I was surprised when Nixon passed the test and showed up in heaven, but, I guess Hitler threw off the curve for our century.
My mother-in-law broke up my marriage. My wife came home from work one day and found me in bed with her.
All my humor is based upon destruction and despair. If the whole world were tranquil, without disease and violence, I’d be standing on the breadline right in back of J. Edgar Hoover.
Once you take away the struggle for food, clothing and shelter, work is the one four letter word that offends everyone.
Never trust a preacher with more than two suits.
You can't do anything with anybody's body to make it dirty to me. Six people, eight people, one person - you can do only one thing to make it dirty: kill it. Hiroshima was dirty.
There are never enough I Love You's.
Once the country was settled and built, the bosses changed the order from a stack of educated workers to a barrel of minimum wage lottery dreamers.
You got a million drug laws now because the bosses figured there was more money in putting people in jail than taxing something anyone can grow on a window sill.
Every group, every system has a set of values and morals and when you get outside those, then the alarms ring. I was politically incorrect to 95% of the country; luckily my 5% had the bread to come see me.
Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich.
You know there's no crooked politicians. There's never a lie because there is never any truth.
Guys are like dogs. They keep comin' back. Ladies are like cats. Yell at a cat one time, they're gone.
Anyone who has two shirts when someone has none is not a christian.
If Jesus had been killed twenty years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses.
Freedom of speech is a two way street, man. You have the right to say whatever you want and the Boss has a right to tell the police to arrest you.
There are no dirty words, only dirty minds.
The liberals can understand everything but people who don't understand them.
The 'what should be' never did exist, but people keep trying to live up to it. There is no 'what should be,' there is only what is.
It's the suppression of the word that gives it the power, the violence, the viciousness.
I think it's about time we gave up religion and got back to God.
There's a lot of money in wars, except in the war on poverty. Can't make any bread helping the poor.
Marijuana will be legal some day, because the many law students who now smoke pot will someday become congressmen and legalize it in order to protect themselves.
The American Constitution was not written to protect criminals; it was written to protect the government from becoming criminals.
The thing with Catholicism, the same as all religions, is that it teaches what should be, which seems rather incorrect. This is what should be. Now, if you're taught to live up to a what should be that never existed - only an occult superstition, no proof of this should be - then you can sit on a jury and indict easily, you can cast the first stone, you can burn Adolf Eichmann, like that!
Part of the kick of making people laugh was doing something different. We were a rare breed - spotting one of us was like pinning a space alien, or abdominal snowman. There were maybe a hundred stand-ups in the whole country when I was doing it.
Now a Jew, in the dictionary, is one who is descended from the ancient tribes of Judea, or one who is regarded as descended from that tribe. That's what it says in the dictionary; but you and I know what a Jew is - One Who Killed Our Lord. And although there should be a statute of limitations for that crime, it seems that those who neither have the actions nor the gait of Christians, pagan or not, will bust us out, unrelenting dues, for another deuce.
My only challenge was to tell my truth, man... figure out what I had to say. These days, it's not enough to boost that roomful of strangers. The young comic spends all their time trying to sound different from the million other jokesters grabbing for the mic.
The reason I'm in this business, I assume all performers are -- it's Look at me, Ma! It's acceptance, you know -- Look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma, look at me, Ma. And if your mother watches, you'll show off till you're exhausted; but if your mother goes, Ptshew!
Today's comedian has a cross to bear that he built himself. A comedian of the older generation did an act and he told the audience, This is my act. Today's comic is not doing an act. The audience assumes he's telling the truth. What is truth today may be a damn lie next week.
I would become a priest or a rabbi or a monk or whatever the hell was necessary to perform miracles such as taking money from someone else's pocket and putting it into mine, still remaining within the confines of the law.
...Catholicism is like Howard Johnson, and what they have are these franchises and they give all these people different franchises in the different countries but they have one government, and when you buy the Howard Johnson franchise you can apply it to the geography - whatever's cool for that area - and then you, you know, pay the bread to the main office.
You are a white. The Imperial Wizard. Now, if you don't think this is logic you can burn me on the fiery cross. This is the logic: You have the choice of spending fifteen years married to a woman, a black woman or a white woman. Fifteen years kissing and hugging and sleeping real close on hot nights. With a black, black woman or a white, white woman. The white woman is Kate Smith. And the black woman is Lena Horne. So you're not concerned with black or white anymore, are you? You are concerned with how cute or how pretty. Then let's really get basic and persecute ugly people!
Darwin's theory is as dead as he is. Everyone is surviving, fit or not. Years ago, any kid dumb enough to chase a shiny object down a well was dead, and out of the gene pool. Now they got the technology and medicine to save the fool so he can breed more open mouth breathers.
Koolaid is goyish. All Drake's Cakes are goyish. Pumpernickel is Jewish, and, as you know, white bread is very goyish. Instant potatoes - goyish. Black cherry soda's very Jewish. Macaroons are very Jewish - very Jewish cake. Fruit salad is Jewish. Lime Jell-O is goyish. Lime soda is very goyish. Trailer parks are so goyish that Jews won't go near them.
If you're from New York and you're Catholic, you're still Jewish. If you're from Butte Montana and you're Jewish, you're still goyisch. The Air Force is Jewish, the Marine Corps dangerous goyisch. Rye Bread is Jewish, instant potatoes, scary goyisch. Eddie Cantor is goyisch, George Jessel is goyisch-Coleman Hawkins is Jewish.
