I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.
To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.
It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.
Eighty percent of success is showing up.
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.
The heart wants what it wants.
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.
I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.
He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.
Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.
I am at two with nature.
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.
And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.
Living is messy.
I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.
The wicked at heart probably know something.
Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday
We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.
Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.
My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.