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100 Woody Allen Quotes That Highlight His Take On Life

Famous As: One of the World’s Most-Accomplished Filmmakers Known for His Unique Blend of Comedy and Style.
Born On: November 30, 1935
Born In: The Bronx, New York City, United States
Age: 86 Years
Woody Allen emerged as a popular comedian at the age of 15. His jokes published in a local paper fetched him about $200 per week, quite an amount for a teenager. However, this was just the beginning of a new success story. Comedian, musician, author, playwright, musician and an actor: there's nothing that Allen can't do? He is the guy who made monologues and stand-up comedy more famous than traditional jokes. Comedy Central ranks him fourth on the list of '100 Greatest Stand-Up Comedians of all Times'. After mastering slapstick comedies, he turned to European art cinema and New Hollywood. He's best known for his performances in 'Hanna and her sisters', 'Match Point', 'The Purple Rose of Cairo', 'Annie Hall' and 'Stardust Memories'. Today, he's the pride owner of nine British Academy of Film and TV awards and four Academy Awards. He was recognized for his funniest screenplays and Hollywood critic Roger Ebert termed him as the true treasure of Western cinema. Though his sense and style hasn't changed in last few years, he continues to inspire us with his views on filmmaking, arts and humor. We’ve collected some of Woody Allen's best quotes; some of them come from his films, while other quotes have been curated from his everyday life. Almost all of these Woody Allen quotes have to do with sex, death, or God, which are three of Allen’s favorite subjects.
I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

I'm not afraid of death; I just don't want to be there when it happens.

Woody Allen
I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

I don't know the question, but sex is definitely the answer.

Woody Allen
Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television.

Woody Allen
The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

The difference between sex and love is that sex relieves tension and love causes it.

Woody Allen
To you, I'm an atheist.
To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

To you, I'm an atheist. To God, I'm the loyal opposition.

Woody Allen
If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.

Woody Allen
Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.

Woody Allen
God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

God is silent. Now if only man would shut up.

Woody Allen
Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Woody Allen
My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

My one regret in life is that I am not someone else.

Woody Allen
Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Woody Allen
I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

I just can't listen to any more Wagner, you know...I'm starting to get the urge to conquer Poland.

Woody Allen
I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

I'm not anti-social. I'm just not social.

Woody Allen
Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Woody Allen
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve immortality through not dying. I don't want to live on in the hearts of my countrymen; I want to live on in my apartment.

Woody Allen
It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

It's a match made in heaven...by a retarded angel.

Woody Allen
Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Eighty percent of success is showing up.

Woody Allen
If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

If you're not failing every now and again, it's a sign you're not doing anything very innovative.

Woody Allen
I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

I took a test in Existentialism. I left all the answers blank and got 100.

Woody Allen
If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

If it turns out that there is a God...the worst that you can say about him is that basically he's an underachiever.

Woody Allen
I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

I believe there is something out there watching us. Unfortunately, it's the government.

Woody Allen
You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

Woody Allen
If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

If Jesus came back and saw what was being done in his name, he'd never stop throwing up.

Woody Allen
Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Woody Allen
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Woody Allen
There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.

Woody Allen
Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon.

Woody Allen
If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss Bank.

Woody Allen
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. 
She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

Woody Allen
Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Photons have mass? I didn’t even know they were Catholic.

Woody Allen
My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

My brain? That's my second favorite organ.

Woody Allen
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Woody Allen
I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Woody Allen
What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

What if nothing exists and we're all in somebody's dream?

Woody Allen
I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

I'm such a good lover because I practice a lot on my own.

Woody Allen
Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.

Woody Allen
I can levitate birds. No one cares.

I can levitate birds. No one cares.

Woody Allen
I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

Woody Allen
What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

What if everything is an illusion and nothing exists? In that case, I definitely overpaid for my carpet.

Woody Allen
The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

The artist's job is not to succumb to despair but to find an antidote for the emptiness of existence.

Woody Allen
I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

I'm not a drinker, my body won't tolerate...eh...spirits, really. I had two martinis New Years Eve and I tried to hi-jack an elevator and fly it to Cuba.

Woody Allen
The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

The difference between sex and death is that with death you can do it alone and no one is going to make fun of you.

Woody Allen
I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Woody Allen
More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

Woody Allen
I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.

Woody Allen
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.

Woody Allen
Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

Those who can't do, teach. And those who can't teach, teach gym.

Woody Allen
Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

Don't knock masturbation. It's sex with someone you love.

Woody Allen
Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.

Some guy hit my fender the other day, and I said unto him, 'Be fruitful, and multiply'. But not in those words.

Woody Allen
The heart wants what it wants.

The heart wants what it wants.

Woody Allen
The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

The only thing standing between me and greatness is me.

Woody Allen
You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

You rely too much on brain. The brain is the most overrated organ.

Woody Allen
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.

Woody Allen
A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. 
I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

A deranged person is supposed to have the strength of ten men. I have the strength of one small boy... with polio.

Woody Allen
In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

In California, they don't throw their garbage away - they make it into TV shows.

Woody Allen
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Woody Allen
Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Woody Allen
How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

Woody Allen
Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.

Woody Allen
Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

Woody Allen
I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

I love nature, I just don't want to get any of it on me.

Woody Allen
I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.

Woody Allen
Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Most of the time I don't have much fun. The rest of the time I don't have any fun at all.

Woody Allen
Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Tradition is the illusion of permanence.

Woody Allen
Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.

Woody Allen
We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives.

Woody Allen
He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

He's a genius, she's a genius, wow, you know alot of geniuses, you should meet some stupid people sometime, you might learn something

Woody Allen
I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

I'm short enough and ugly enough to succeed on my own.

Woody Allen
Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.

Your self esteem is like a notch below Kafka's.

Woody Allen
All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

All people know the same truth. Our lives consist of how we choose to distort it.

Woody Allen
I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No.

Woody Allen
Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Why are our days numbered and not, say, lettered?

Woody Allen
If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

If God exists, I hope he has a good excuse.

Woody Allen
Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Not only is there no God, but try finding a plumber on Sunday.

Woody Allen
The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

The last woman I was in was the Statue of Liberty.

Woody Allen
There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

There is no question that there is an unseen world. The problem is, how far is it from midtown and how late is it open?

Woody Allen
Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel - I luuurve you, you know, I loave you, I luff you, two F's, yes.

Woody Allen
Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Sun is bad for you. Everything our parents said was good is bad. Sun, milk, red meat...college,

Woody Allen
Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.

Woody Allen
I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

I should go to Paris and jump off of the Eiffel Tower. If I took the Concorde, I could be dead three hours earlier.

Woody Allen
Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Basically my wife was immature. I'd be at home in my bath and she'd come in and sink my boats.

Woody Allen
I am at two with nature.

I am at two with nature.

Woody Allen
Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

Woody Allen
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

Woody Allen
I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

I have no idea what I am doing but incompetence has never prevented me from plunging in with enthusiasm.

Woody Allen
And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

And my parents finally realize I'm kidnapped and they snap into action immediately: They rent out my room.

Woody Allen
I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

I'm astounded by people who want to 'know' the universe when it's hard enough to find your way around Chinatown.

Woody Allen
Living is messy.

Living is messy.

Woody Allen
I can't fight. 
I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

I can't fight. I was once run over by a car with a flat tire, being pushed by two guys.

Woody Allen
The wicked at heart probably know something.

The wicked at heart probably know something.

Woody Allen
Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK?
It'll be a year come April 20th. 
I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

Honey, you're the one who stopped sleeping with me, OK? It'll be a year come April 20th. I remember the date exactly, because it was Hitler's birthday

Woody Allen
We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

We Are The Sum Total Of Our Choices...

Woody Allen
Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Don't think of death as an ending. Think of it as a really effective way of cutting down your expenses.

Woody Allen
Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Life is short. Short, and not about anything except what you can touch and what touches you.

Woody Allen
Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.

Woody Allen
The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

Woody Allen
My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

My films are therapy for my debilitating depression. In institutions people weave baskets. I make films.

Woody Allen
This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

This year I'm a star, but what will I be next year? A black hole?

Woody Allen
Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: Frequently there must be a beverage.

Woody Allen
Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Eternal nothingness is fine if you happen to be dressed for it.

Woody Allen