Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of thoughts and quotes by W. C. Fields on humor, alcohol, labels, success, food, belief, drinking, chauvinism, insomnia, deceit and children.

54 Famous Quotes By W. C. Fields That Will Tickle Your Funny Bone

Quick Facts

Born On: January 29, 1880

Died On: December 25, 1946

Born In: Darby

Died At Age: 66

William Claude Dukenfield, who gained popularity by the name W. C. Fields, was an American actor, writer, juggler and comedian. He was one of the most influential comedians of his era. Fields started off his career in the show business as a juggler and for some time he was even regarded as the world’s best juggler. However, his foray into Broadway and later into Hollywood is what made him a comedy star. He became particularly famous after performing in the Broadway show ‘Poppy’ in 1923. Fields was particularly famous for his perpetually drunk comic persona. Other than becoming a noted film star, Fields had also been a comedy fixture at the ‘Ziegfeld Follies’. He had also carved a niche for himself on radio and became popular for his comedic persona. Needless to say, Fields’ career as a comedian also gave rise to a veritable treasure trove of quotes that are still quoted by people. Here are some of the selected quotations and sayings which have been ex-cerpted from the life and work of W. C. Fields that would surely make you laugh.

I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.

W. C. Fields

If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.

W. C. Fields

It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.

W. C. Fields

I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.

W. C. Fields

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.

W. C. Fields

I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.

W. C. Fields

Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.

W. C. Fields

I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.

W. C. Fields

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W. C. Fields

Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.

W. C. Fields

A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money

W. C. Fields

Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.

W. C. Fields

I like children. If they're properly cooked.

W. C. Fields

A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.

W. C. Fields

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W. C. Fields

Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.

W. C. Fields

No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.

W. C. Fields

Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.

W. C. Fields

Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W. C. Fields

Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!

W. C. Fields

Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.

W. C. Fields

I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.

W. C. Fields

I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.

W. C. Fields

The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.

W. C. Fields

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

W. C. Fields

It is funnier to bend things than to break them.

W. C. Fields

Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.

W. C. Fields

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W. C. Fields

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W. C. Fields

You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.

W. C. Fields

What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?

W. C. Fields

Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.

W. C. Fields

Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again.

W. C. Fields

There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W. C. Fields

If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.

W. C. Fields

Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.

W. C. Fields

I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

W. C. Fields

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

W. C. Fields

I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.

W. C. Fields

When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.

W. C. Fields

Never give a sucker an even break.

W. C. Fields

Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night

W. C. Fields

Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!

W. C. Fields

I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.

W. C. Fields

All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia

W. C. Fields

Never trust a man who doesn't drink.

W. C. Fields

Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.

W. C. Fields

Ain't fit for man nor beast

W. C. Fields

The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.

W. C. Fields

Drowned in a vat of whiskey... Oh Death, where is thy sting?

W. C. Fields

There are three things in life that are extremely hard ; steel, a diamond, and to know oneself.

W. C. Fields

Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?

W. C. Fields

I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.

W. C. Fields

Always smile first thing in the morning. Might as well get it over with.

W. C. Fields