I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally.
If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to.
I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food.
If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit.
I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it.
Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer.
I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it.
Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.
Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her.
Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people.
A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money
I like children. If they're properly cooked.
A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for.
Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler.
Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water.
No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree.
Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life.
Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.
I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted.
Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!
Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against.
I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.
There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.
It is funnier to bend things than to break them.
Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill? Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.
What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?
You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it.
Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake.
If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon.
Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again.
Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!
I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother.
When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty.
Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night
Never give a sucker an even break.
I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally.
All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia
Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia.
Never trust a man who doesn't drink.
Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!
There are three things in life that are extremely hard ; steel, a diamond, and to know oneself.
The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.
Ain't fit for man nor beast
Drowned in a vat of whiskey... Oh Death, where is thy sting?
Always smile first thing in the morning. Might as well get it over with.
I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.
Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?
