54 Famous Quotes By W. C. Fields That Will Tickle Your Funny Bone
William Claude Dukenfield, who gained popularity by the name W. C. Fields, was an American actor, writer, juggler and comedian. He was one of the most influential comedians of his era. Fields started off his career in the show business as a juggler and for some time he was even regarded as the world’s best juggler. However, his foray into Broadway and later into Hollywood is what made him a comedy star. He became particularly famous after performing in the Broadway show ‘Poppy’ in 1923. Fields was particularly famous for his perpetually drunk comic persona. Other than becoming a noted film star, Fields had also been a comedy fixture at the ‘Ziegfeld Follies’. He had also carved a niche for himself on radio and became popular for his comedic persona. Needless to say, Fields’ career as a comedian also gave rise to a veritable treasure trove of quotes that are still quoted by people. Here are some of the selected quotations and sayings which have been ex-cerpted from the life and work of W. C. Fields that would surely make you laugh.
I am free of all prejudice. I hate everyone equally. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it. It ain't what they call you, it's what you answer to. I cook with wine, sometimes I even add it to the food. If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bullshit. I never hold a grudge. As soon as I get even with the son-of-a bitch, I forget it. Everybody's got to believe in something. I believe I'll have another beer. I don't drink water. Fish fuck in it. Start every day off with a smile and get it over with. Horse sense is the thing a horse has which keeps it from betting on people. A rich man is nothing but a poor man with money I like children. If they're properly cooked. Fell in love with a beautiful blonde once. Drove me to drink. And I never had the decency to thank her. A thing worth having is a thing worth cheating for. Ah, the patter of little feet around the house. There's nothing like having a midget for a butler. Once, during Prohibition, I was forced to live for days on nothing but food and water. No doubt exists that all women are crazy; it's only a question of degree. Never try to impress a woman, because if you do she'll expect you to keep up the standard for the rest of your life. Marry an outdoors woman. That way, if you have to throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive. Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together! Hell, I never vote for anybody, I always vote against. I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy. I spent half my money on gambling, alcohol and wild women. The other half I wasted. You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living. The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep. It is funnier to bend things than to break them. Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?
Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it. I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday. Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream. What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch? You can't trust water: Even a straight stick turns crooked in it. Always carry a flagon of whiskey in case of snakebite, and furthermore, always carry a small snake. Children should neither be seen nor heard from – ever again. There's no such thing as a tough child - if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender. If I had to live my life over, I'd live over a saloon. Attitude is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than what people do or say. It is more important than appearance, giftedness, or skill. I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta! I've never hit a woman in my life. Not even my own mother. When we have lost everything, including hope, life becomes a disgrace, and death a duty. Never give a sucker an even break. Philadelphia, wonderful town, spent a week there one night Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump! All things considered, I'd rather be in Philadelphia I'm free of all prejudices. I hate all people equally. Ain't fit for man nor beast Here lies W.C.Fields. I'd rather be living in Philadelphia. Never trust a man who doesn't drink.
The news of my death is greatly exaggerated.
Drowned in a vat of whiskey... Oh Death, where is thy sting?
There are three things in life that are extremely hard ;
steel, a diamond, and to know oneself.
Don't be a luddy-duddy! Don't be a mooncalf! Don't be a jabbernowl! You're not those, are you?
Always smile first thing in the morning.
Might as well get it over with. I was in love with a beautiful blond once. She drove me to drink. That's the one thing I'm indebted to her for.