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A collection of witty quotes and sayings by Tim Allen on women, dating, love, life, marriage etc.

86 Witty Quotes By Tim Allen That Reveal His Wry Humour

Quick Facts

Famous As
Actor, Comedian

Born On

Born In
Denver, Colorado, U.S

Actor and comedian Tim Allen, best known for his roles in ABC sitcoms like 'Home Improvement' and 'Last Man Standing', has had a few run-ins with the law during his early career due to possession of cocaine and driving under the influence of alcohol. Later on, he established the Tim Allen and Laura Diebel Foundation with his first wife in order to provide money to various charitable causes. He is also actively involved with the national YMCA, Nickelodeon’s 'Big Help-a-thon', Habitat for Humanity, Wheels for Humanity, St. Jude Children's Research Hospital, American Red Cross, and Target House. Here are some of his quotes from magazine interviews, books and speeches in which he talks about life, children, mistakes, politics, and relationships.

Being wealthy when no one else is, is like being the only one at the party with a drink.

- Tim Allen

My dad's death reminds me of earthquakes - things that shake your foundation.

- Tim Allen

I wonder if to stare into the face of God will drive me crazy. (I wonder who would blink first.)

- Tim Allen

I used to live an isolated existence, even in relationships, but now my family knows me for who I really am. Mostly, that's a good thing.

- Tim Allen

Pere Noel. Babbo Natale. Pelznickel. Topo Gigio

- Tim Allen

I had a very easy time loving an audience. But when it's one-on-one with somebody, all I wanted to do was run away, because maybe they're going to want something from me I can't give, or they're going to hurt me.

- Tim Allen

I am a thespian trapped in a man's body.

- Tim Allen

A car crossed two lanes of traffic, flipped, and landed on my dad's car. I don't blame cars. My dad loved cars. I don't have many memories of my dad. The love of cars is all I have of him, really.

- Tim Allen

I know it sounds odd, but I want to make a Rolex-quality screwdriver.

- Tim Allen

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end'. Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

- Tim Allen

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

- Tim Allen

The ego is like a kid in the basement: It's best to keep him busy.

- Tim Allen

I've gotten so far past the Android and iPhones that I'm back to a flip-phone. It's funny, you can buy antique flip-phones online. A lot of us collect them. Clearly, they're considered antiques.

- Tim Allen

I have always enjoyed do-it-yourself projects, .. Being in a position to actually help design and bring tools to market is an incredible opportunity. Being able to fund charities as a result is phenomenal.

- Tim Allen

Dogs will eat till they die. Cats will leave food in the dish, incomprehensible to a dog.

- Tim Allen

My stepfather stepped in where no man would've stepped in - six kids, five of them boys - and that's heroic.

- Tim Allen

Men often do things for women that they don't want to do, so that women will do things for men that they don't want to do.

- Tim Allen

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

- Tim Allen

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

- Tim Allen

I blend memories. I blend them into one that's funny. I exaggerate to clarify.

- Tim Allen

Can we take a direct flight back to reality or do we have to change planes in Denver?

- Tim Allen

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

- Tim Allen

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

- Tim Allen

I'm actually more of a cat guy than a dog person because I travel so much. I love cats.

- Tim Allen

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

- Tim Allen

Anytime you work with animals, you begin to see more humanity in them.

- Tim Allen

Use a screwdriver instead of a hammer. Try to untighten the nut with your hand. Utilize the path of least resistance first.

- Tim Allen

If it doesn't say Binford on it, somebody else probably made it.

- Tim Allen

Boys can be disgusting. You can't leave us alone for any length of time because we will burn something, blow something up or paint something. We're just obnoxious.

- Tim Allen

But separate a man from his car - that's inhuman.

- Tim Allen

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

- Tim Allen

I'm sad for adults who want to be children. And children who want to be adults.

- Tim Allen

I have a thing for tools.

- Tim Allen

My comedy is not mine. It's a gift. I'm not that smart.

- Tim Allen

They say you only go around once, but with a muscle car you can go around two or three times.

- Tim Allen

Dog's listen, or appear to listen. I think they hear blah, blah, blah, FOOD, blah, blah, blah. They appear to be listening to you.

- Tim Allen

I'm one of these guys that just spoils the environment. I like ATVs and snowmobiles. I have a motorcycle up there, and I like cruising through the hills.

- Tim Allen

As the Chinese will tell you, history depends on your point of view.

- Tim Allen

All men like to think that they can do it alone, but a real man knows that there no substitute for support , encouragement or a pit crew.

- Tim Allen

Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

- Tim Allen

Men aren't men until they can get to Sears by themselves.

- Tim Allen

There is no greater feeling than when a groom turns to see his bride and has tears in his eyes because she is so beautiful.

- Tim Allen

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

- Tim Allen

I'm a very bad student, but a great learner.

- Tim Allen

Man is the only animal to borrow tools.

- Tim Allen

Jill, we became parents so we could tell our kids what to do. Otherwise we're just the tallest people living here.

- Tim Allen

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

- Tim Allen

If it ain't broke, you can probably still fix it.

- Tim Allen

Be wary of listening to stories secondhand.

- Tim Allen

To get a man's attention, just stand in front of the TV and don't move. He'll talk to you. I promise.

- Tim Allen

Real men don't use instructions, son. Besides, this is just the manufacturer's opinion on how to put this together.

- Tim Allen

A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days.

- Tim Allen

If you don't decide where you're going, life will decide for you.

- Tim Allen

Comedy is the ultimate anarchist.

- Tim Allen

Nothing's as easy as it is on a sitcom. Issues that we take care of in 20 minutes on the show can stretch out over years in real families.

- Tim Allen

In my experience, it's all wonderful with girls until about 16. Around that time, boys kind of calm down and start focusing their testosterone. Girls get a little challenging, especially for fathers.

- Tim Allen

I do a lot of family shows.

- Tim Allen

I'm a creative guy, artistically with graphics.

- Tim Allen

I think women like Ferraris. A Ferrari is everybody's car.

- Tim Allen

I have irrational fears, and they all go back to losing my father as a kid. I've never gotten over it.

- Tim Allen

Men are pigs. Too bad we own everything.

- Tim Allen

While awaiting sentencing, I decided to give stand-up comedy a shot. The judge had suggested I get my act together, and I took him seriously.

- Tim Allen

When somebody tells you they're not very smart, they're saying exactly the opposite.

- Tim Allen

I don't understand why it has to be either - or - either socialism or democracy. Why can't we combine things to get the best of each system?

- Tim Allen

I have an only child. She's so independent and good with adults.

- Tim Allen

Never comment on a woman's rear end. Never use the words 'large' or 'size' with 'rear end.' Never. Avoid the area altogether. Trust me.

- Tim Allen

For years, I just did not like this idea of God, church.

- Tim Allen

Women now have choices. They can be married, not married, have a job, not have a job, be married with children, unmarried with children. Men have the same choice we've always had: work, or prison.

- Tim Allen

You don't know what people are really like until they're under a lot of stress.

- Tim Allen

In marriage, compromise nurtures the relationship.

- Tim Allen

I have to get a licence to drive a motorcycle to protect myself and the people around me. I am adamant there should be some sort of licensing required to have children.

- Tim Allen

I love doing logos. I've been a graphic artist all my life.

- Tim Allen

Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded.

- Tim Allen

Women are like cars: we all want a Ferrari, sometimes want a pickup truck, and end up with a station wagon.

- Tim Allen

My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance.

- Tim Allen

Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive.

- Tim Allen

The world's a mean place. It's unfair, then it's fair. It's hateful, then it's loving. It's a very peculiar place on philosophical and metaphysical and religious levels.

- Tim Allen

It's true; I have a skill and it's... it has not related to acting, it's not related to auditions, it's not related to studios, not related to public whim. It's whether I'm funny or not and whether I can entertain people.

- Tim Allen

I was gone so much in my first marriage. I love the moments when I engage with my youngest daughter now. It's not my thing to sit on the ground and play tea party, but I'll do it because it's a moment that will stick with me forever.

- Tim Allen

In the last three years of racing I've met as many women fans as men fans, and in NASCAR it's the same thing. My wife loves cars, but the difference is she doesn't have 20 years of understanding the background of them. She basically drives them and uses her gut feelings as to which is best.

- Tim Allen

Dad needs to show an incredible amount of respect and humor and friendship toward his mate so the kids understand their parents are sexy, they're fun, they do things together, they're best friends. Kids learn by example. If I respect Mom, they're going to respect Mom.

- Tim Allen

The people that hunt are the guys that really vehemently protect the environment. You find that people that live on ranches tend to want to keep it that way, and I've always loved that about the hunters that I've known. They eat what they kill, and they carry it out. They don't shoot for sport.

- Tim Allen

Men aren't allowed to have self-esteem, because we're already supposed to have all the power.... But most men earn less than they want, barely the minimum wage. They're drones. They do stuff they don't want to do to support their families, and they're not sure why they do it. They don't know what they're doing half the time, and any time we stick up for ourselves, we're pigs because we don't know how to articulate our frustrations and joys.

- Tim Allen

I like Pixie Sticks. Yeah, screw the middle man. Just a tube of sugar... I'd pour two of those in a big 12 ounce coke. And I'd go out to catechism class and try to concentrate on the priest. I saw Jesus several times. I swear I did.

- Tim Allen

Speeding is like drugs. It makes everything come at you fast, and when you go back to normal driving, safe driving, prudent driving, it seems boring. That's the danger of drugs. At first it's intoxicating, but then the rest of your life you're trying to find that very first time. It never is the same.

- Tim Allen

The big advantage to playing the Venetian in Las Vegas - where it's a beautiful theater - is that unlike other places, even many other nice venues, I can do a set and lighting cues, I can put on a real show. I can dress up, wear a tux.

- Tim Allen