One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.
I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.
Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.
I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.
I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.
What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.
To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?
I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.
My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.
When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.
Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.
I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.
My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.
So, do you live around here often?
If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?
Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.
I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.
The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
I'm addicted to placebos.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.
I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.
I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.
I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.
I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.
I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.
Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.
My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.
Hermits have no peer pressure.
I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.
I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.
If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.
I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.
My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.
If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.
How young can you die of old age?
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'
All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.
I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.
