When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.
One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.
When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.
I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.
It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'
People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.
I thought I would be a guy on the radio.
My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.
Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.
It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.
I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.
Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.
I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.
I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.
I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.
I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'
At one point he decided enough was enough.
I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.
I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.
Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.
You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.
I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.
