Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of quotes and thoughts by Steven Wright on humor, walking, memories, past, think, fishing, writing, idiot, funny, desert, people, mirror and experience.

181 Notable Quotes By Steven Wright For Your Daily Dose Of Delight

Quick Facts

Famous As: Comedian, Musician, Film Producer

Born On: December 6, 1955

Born In: Cambridge, Massachusetts, United States

Steven Alexander Wright is an Oscar-winning American film producer, comedian, actor and writer. Wright is renowned for his distinctly slothful voice, and unrushed delivery of philosophical, sometimes nonsensical, cryptic and ironic jokes, anti-humor, satirical one liner. ‘Comedy Central’ listed him at the twenty-third place in the list of ‘100 greatest stand-up comics’.          Besides being a comedian he is also a musician and has recorded various non-comedy songs. Some of the Wright’s famous discography includes, ‘I Have A Pony’, ‘I Still Have A Pony’, ‘One Solider’ and ‘The Appointments of Dennis Jennings’. He became the first inductee to the ‘Boston Comedy Hall Of Fame’ in 2008 and was nominated twice for ‘Emmy Awards’ besides bagging in the ‘Academy Award’. We have gathered some funny one-liner, thoughts, views and opinions by the renowned artist which is quoted extensively. Read through the inspirational, humorous and ironic quotes and sayings by Steven Wright.

One day a guy tried to rob me on the street, and I had no money. So I charged him.

Steven Alexander Wright

When I die, I'm gonna leave my body to science fiction.

Steven Alexander Wright

When I was 16... I worked in a pet store. And they fired me because... they had three snakes in there, and one day I braided them.

Steven Alexander Wright

I always thought Johnny Carson was just brilliant, and I used to watch him and all the comics that would be on the show every night - and I'd dream about it being me.

Steven Alexander Wright

It seems like we wake up and it's a race until you get to bed. It gets to you after a while and you think, 'What the hell am I doing?'

Steven Alexander Wright

People may think I'm trying something new by telling stories, but they're just jokes connected to give the illusion of stories. But really, I just continue using my imagination and creating. That's what I do.

Steven Alexander Wright

I thought I would be a guy on the radio.

Steven Alexander Wright

My act is an exaggeration of a part of me. I'm much more expressive off stage.

Steven Alexander Wright

Doing stand-up is like running across a frozen pond with the ice breaking behind you. I love it because it's dangerous.

Steven Alexander Wright

It usually helps me write by reading - somehow the reading gear in your head turns the writing gear.

Steven Alexander Wright

I have all the emotions that everyone has; it just appears that I don't.

Steven Alexander Wright

Only one in four jokes ever works, and I still can't predict what people will laugh at.

Steven Alexander Wright

I was always making my friends laugh, but I never wanted the attention of the whole classroom.

Steven Alexander Wright

I didn't tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn't happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Steven Alexander Wright

I haven't changed at all. I'm the same as when I was 11.

Steven Alexander Wright

I don't get up, get dressed, go out, and think, 'Okay, I gotta find eight jokes.'

Steven Alexander Wright

At one point he decided enough was enough.

Steven Alexander Wright

I got this powdered water - now I don't know what to add.

Steven Alexander Wright

If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.

Steven Alexander Wright

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

Steven Alexander Wright

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.

Steven Alexander Wright

I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.

Steven Alexander Wright

It doesn't matter what temperature the room is, it's always room temperature.

Steven Alexander Wright

I wrote a few children's books... not on purpose.

Steven Alexander Wright

Very rarely do I talk off the top of my head on stage. I'm not an improv guy. I'm a writer-guy who presents what he's written.

Steven Alexander Wright

I have an answering machine in my car. It says, I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out.

Steven Alexander Wright

I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.

Steven Alexander Wright

I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.

Steven Alexander Wright

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That's what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

Steven Alexander Wright

I just have a relationship with my imagination. It's like my friend, almost.

Steven Alexander Wright

I don't like politicians, and I don't like politics. I definitely don't want to be associated with any of them.

Steven Alexander Wright

I wear a hat on stage so that people won't be blinded by the reflection from my head. Also, if I don't wear a hat, there's no way that the hat can be at that level by itself on the stage.

Steven Alexander Wright

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn't investigated. They might find that I don't really exist - that I'm just a hologram.

Steven Alexander Wright

I'm going to get an MRI to find out whether I have claustrophobia.

Steven Alexander Wright

I like to talk about lint and coasters, the expansion of the universe and maybe McDonald's. I'm completely turned off by the idea of politics.

Steven Alexander Wright

What I like about the jokes, to me it's a lot of logic, no matter how crazy they are. It has to make absolute sense, or it won't be funny.

Steven Alexander Wright

To the audience, it's like I'm changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show's almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

Steven Alexander Wright

I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours.' He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.'

Steven Alexander Wright

It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.

Steven Alexander Wright

If one synchronised swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Steven Alexander Wright

I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.

Steven Alexander Wright

I invented the cordless extension cord.

Steven Alexander Wright

When I was a kid, I went to the store and asked the guy, Do you have any toy train schedules?

Steven Alexander Wright

When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.

Steven Alexander Wright

I love eating chocolate cake and ice cream after a show. I almost justify it in my mind as, 'You were a good boy onstage and you did your show, so now you can have some cake and ice cream.'

Steven Alexander Wright

I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window.

Steven Alexander Wright

Ever notice how irons have a setting for permanent press? I don't get it.

Steven Alexander Wright

My friend has a baby. I'm recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

Steven Alexander Wright

The Bermuda Triangle got tired of warm weather. It moved to Alaska. Now Santa Claus is missing.

Steven Alexander Wright

When I was a kid, I never did funny things to get attention. I was never a funny person. I was never, like, 'Oh, wow. I could say this some day on stage.'

Steven Alexander Wright

I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.

Steven Alexander Wright

I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography.

Steven Alexander Wright

George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge... you can't hear him talk.

Steven Alexander Wright

Comedians are sociologists. We're pointing out stuff that the general public doesn't even stop to think about, looking at life in slow-motion and questioning everything we see.

Steven Alexander Wright

I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.

Steven Alexander Wright

I got a chain letter by fax. It's very simple. You just fax a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

Steven Alexander Wright

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, 'All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.'

Steven Alexander Wright

I like to reminisce with people I don't know.

Steven Alexander Wright

I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.

Steven Alexander Wright

I need one of those baby monitors from my subconscious to my consciousness so I can know what the hell I'm really thinking about.

Steven Alexander Wright

When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.

Steven Alexander Wright

Good jokes are gems. A good idea is hard to come by. I couldn't give them to someone else, even for money. It just wouldn't seem right.

Steven Alexander Wright

So, do you live around here often?

Steven Alexander Wright

If you shoot at mimes, should you use a silencer?

Steven Alexander Wright

Like other kids wanted to become firemen or astronauts, I wanted to make people laugh.

Steven Alexander Wright

I was born. When I was 23 I started telling jokes. Then I started going on television and doing films. That's still what I am doing. The end.

Steven Alexander Wright

The other day I... uh, no, that wasn't me.

Steven Alexander Wright

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Steven Alexander Wright

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

Steven Alexander Wright

I'm addicted to placebos.

Steven Alexander Wright

I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark.

Steven Alexander Wright

I laugh all the time - at things, people, stuff, whatever. But, I don't laugh onstage because then it's serious business.

Steven Alexander Wright

I paint; I draw and paint - I've been doing that since I was in third grade, drawing realistically and then changing to abstract art. That was my first creative thing before guitar or comedy.

Steven Alexander Wright

I feel lucky that I can have people laugh solidly for a whole hour by just saying what I think and getting paid for it.

Steven Alexander Wright

I'm used to seeing it, but it's weird having an Academy Award. You usually only see one of them on the TV show when they give them out, so it's kind of surreal to have one in your house.

Steven Alexander Wright

I like George Carlin's jokes. I like his humor. He's one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

Steven Alexander Wright

Be nice to your children. After all, they are going to choose your nursing home.

Steven Alexander Wright

My favorite book is anything by Kurt Vonnegut - he's my literary hero. I got to meet him several times, which was a great thrill for me. I don't really remember what we talked about.

Steven Alexander Wright

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Steven Alexander Wright

I live on a one-way street that's also a dead end. I'm not sure how I got there.

Steven Alexander Wright

I bought some instant water one time but I didn't know what to add to it.

Steven Alexander Wright

If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?

Steven Alexander Wright

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

Steven Alexander Wright

My roommate got a pet elephant. Then it got lost. It's in the apartment somewhere.

Steven Alexander Wright

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

Steven Alexander Wright

I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.

Steven Alexander Wright

I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking', but I don't have that much time.

Steven Alexander Wright

I poured spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

Steven Alexander Wright

I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They said, 'What for?' I said, 'I'm going to buy some sugar.'

Steven Alexander Wright

Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff.

Steven Alexander Wright

There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.

Steven Alexander Wright

I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.

Steven Alexander Wright

I went to a general store but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.

Steven Alexander Wright

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

Steven Alexander Wright

My neighbor has a circular driveway... he can't get out.

Steven Alexander Wright

I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.

Steven Alexander Wright

I don't go off and sit down and try to write material, because then it's contrived and forced. I just live my life, and I see things in a word or a situation or a concept, and it will create a joke for me.

Steven Alexander Wright

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.

Steven Alexander Wright

How young can you die of old age?

Steven Alexander Wright

When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, 'Well, what do you need?'

Steven Alexander Wright

All those who believe in psychokinesis - raise my hand.

Steven Alexander Wright

I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.

Steven Alexander Wright

Last night I stayed up late playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.

Steven Alexander Wright

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Steven Alexander Wright