100 Great Quotes By Steve Martin That Will Make You Laugh Out Loud

A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.

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Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.

  

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders. I hate necks.

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I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.

  

I saw the movie, 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' and was surprised because I didn't see any tigers or dragons. And then I realized why: they're crouching and hidden.

  

It's pain that changes our lives.

  

Thankfully, persistence is a great substitute for talent.

  

Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.

  

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

Like , Music

  

Writer's block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.

  

I believe entertainment can aspire to be art, and can become art, but if you set out to make art you're an idiot.

  

You know that look that women get when they want to have sex? Me neither.

Me

  

... you're nuts but you're welcome here.

  

...it is not the big events that hurt the most but rather the smallest questionable shift in tone at the end of a spoken word that can plow most deeply into the heart.

  

We've had some fun tonight...considering we're all gonna die someday.

  

Be so good they can't ignore you.

  

I believe in equality. Equality for everybody. No matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

  

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

Me

  

How is it possible to miss a woman whom you kept at a distance, so that when she was gone you would not miss her?

  

I've heard lots of people lie to themselves but they never fool anyone.

Never

  

She has learned that her body is precious and it mustn't be offered carelessly ever again, as it holds a direct connection to her heart.

  

I gave my cat a bath the other day...they love it. He sat there, he enjoyed it, it was fun for me. The fur would stick to my tongue, but other than that...

Me

  

The banjo is such a happy instrument--you can't play a sad song on the banjo - it always comes out so cheerful.

  

I understood that as much as I had resisted the outside, as much as I had constricted my life, as much as I had closed and narrowed the channels into me, there were still many takers for the quiet heart.

Life , Me

  

I've got to keep breathing. It'll be my worst business mistake if I don't.

  

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

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Through the years, I have learned there is no harm in charging oneself up with delusions between moments of valid inspiration.

  

The operation was a success, but I'm afraid the doctor is dead.

  

Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.

  

She tried to get even with him through psychological warfare but couldn't, because he didn't care.

  

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

  

You know what your problem is, it's that you haven't seen enough movies - all of life's riddles are answered in the movies." Steve Martin

  

Were they beautiful? We were all beautiful. We were in our twenties.

  

Yeah, well, we're all writers, aren't we? He's a writer that hasn't been published, and I'm a writer who hasn't written anything.

  

A girl who is willing to give every ounce of herself to someone, who could never betray her lover, who never suspects maliciousness of anyone, and whose sexuality sleeps in her, waiting to be stirred.

Never

  

I have found that-- just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

Experience

  

A celebrity is any well-known TV or movie star who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

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I have heard it said that a complicated childhood can lead to a life in the arts. I tell you this story of my father and me to let you know I am qualified to be a comedian.

Life , Me

  

Or is it that I think too much?

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Somewhere in the world is...The world's worst doctor and he could be yours.

  

Why sip from a tea cup, when you can drink from the river.

  

Hello. I'm hello, and I'd like to say myself.

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Only then does he realize what he has done to Mirabelle, how wanting a square inch of her and not all of her has damaged them both, and how he cannot justify his actions except that, well, it was life.

Life

  

The self-prepared dinner is a great time killer for lonely people and as much time should be spent on it as possible.

Time

  

Be undeniably good.

  

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? Take them to a museum and say, 'This is art, and you can't do it.

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There are few takers for the quiet heart.

  

Always...no wait...never.....

  

...just remember, darling, it is pain that changes our lives.

  

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

Life

  

With a cheery delicacy she divided my obsessions into three categories: acceptable, unacceptable, and hilarious.

  

When someone less capable is ahead of me, I am not pleased. It makes me insane.

Me

  

She was feeling her bohemian oats.

  

Lacy was just as happy alone as with company. When she was alone, she was potential; with others she was realized.

  

…when the person beside you is making you alert and keen and the idea of being with anyone else is not imaginable…

  

How many people have never raised their hand before?

Never

  

Mirabelle is attractive; it's just that she is never the first or second girl chosen.

Never

  

Anyway, seeking work is a tad difficult given the poor design of the streets with their prohibitive curbs and driveways that don't quite line up.

  

Lord loves a workin' man; don't trust whitey

  

Unlike Ray Porter, his love is fearless and without reservation.

  

So, I can hurt now, or hurt later.

  

I just believe that the interesting time in a career is pre-success, what shaped things, how did you get to this point?

Time

  

I just gave my cat a bath. Now how do I get all this fur off my tounge?

  

. . . Now you see . . . they' re not fit for humans . . ." "Put them on me.

Me

  

Mirabelle is not affected by a man’s failures to approach her, as her own self-depreciating attitude never allows the idea that he would in the first place.

Never

  

I couldn't see his face, because the light came in from behind him and he was in shadow, and he said, "I am Picasso." And I said, "Well, so what?

  

I guess I wouldn't believe in anything anymore if it weren't for my lucky astrology mood watch.

  

She had destroyed whatever was between us by making a profound gaffe: She met me.

Me

  

She is nearing forty and not so easily forgiven as when her skin bloomed like roses.

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I opened the show with this line: "I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that's tomorrow night.

  

...a young man, Jamaican, perhaps, his head circled in a scarf with sunbleached dreadlocks on piled on top, looking like a plate of soft-shell crabs.

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Thankfully, perseverance is a great substitute for talent.

  

...the divided world of Aspen, where locals with a sense of entitlement were pitted against developers with a sense of condominiums.

  

Being on Twitter is like having a fern.

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Introductions are hard to come by when your natural state is shyness

  

I handed in a script last year and the studio didn't change one word. The word they didn't change was on page 87.

  

So, while fitting in, she was like a wicked detail standing out against a placid background.

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A kiss may not be the truth but it is what we wish were true.” L.A. Story (1991) – Harris Telemacher (Steve Martin)

  

All of life’s riddles are answered in the movies.

  

If you occasionally wonder how I know about some of the events I describe in this book, I don't. I have found that--just as in real life--imagination sometimes has to stand in for experience.

Experience

  

Be tasteless, rude, and offensive, Live in a swamp and be three dimensional, Put a live chicken in your underwear, Get all excited and go to a yawning festival.

  

Be pompous, obese, and eat cactus Be dull and boring and omnipresent Criticize things you don't know about Be oblong and have your knees removed

  

She didn't even finish her last sentence; it just trailed off. I think the subject had changed in her head while her mouth had continued on the old topic, not realizing it was out of supplies.

Think

  

...teaching is, after all, a form of show business.

  

He never complicates a desire by overthinking it, unlike Mirabelle, who spins a cocoon around an idea until it is immobile.

Never

  

An apology? Bah! Disgusting! Cowardly! Beneath the dignity of any gentleman, however wrong he might be.

  

The overhead lights reflect in the glass countertop and mingle in the gray and black of the gloves, resulting in a mother-of-pearl swirl that sometimes sends Mirabelle into a shallow hypnotic dream.

  

She started converting objects of beauty into objects of value.

  

She has simply never quite learned to walk or hold herself comfortably

Never

  

I am tired, so very tired of thinking about Lacey Yeager, yet I worry that unless I write her story down, and see it bound and tidy on my bookshelf, I will be unable to ever write about anything else.

  

Comedy is a distortion of what is happening, and there will always be something happening.

  

Thinking too much also creates the illusion of causal connections between unrelated events.

  

The auction houses seemed not as dull as their financial counterparts on Wall Street, where parents of daughters imagined glass celings and bottom patting.

  

A triangle with four points is what Euclid rides into hell.

  

He knows only what is right in front of him; she is aware of every incoming sensation that glances obliquely against her soft, fragile core

  

Harder you Try, Luckier you get

  

They told me to just "act like myself." When I said, "How do I do that?" they said to just have fun with it, but I'm not sure what they meant.

Like , Me

  

It's so beautiful where I am today that it makes me wonder where I am.

Me

  

Finally, we do become wise, but then it's too late

  

The dictionary is a perfect example of overalphabetization, with its harsh rules and every little word neatly in place. It almost makes me want to go on a diet of grapes and waste away to nothing.

Me