If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.
Agnostics are just atheists without balls.
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.
A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.
(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?
Baby carrots are making me gay.
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.
I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.
America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.
If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
The more you know, the sadder you get.
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.
The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear
Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.
Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.
I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.
What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.
You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.
Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!
I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!
I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory
Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!
Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.
...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.
The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.
Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.
Brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.
Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies
What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!
I am no fan of books.
They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.
Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert
Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.
Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.
Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.
Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.
President Bush, have a hot dog with me.
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!
I report, I decide.
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.
Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.
Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.
That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.
(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock
Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.
As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.
Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.
The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.
I love making observations. That one is a classic example.
That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.