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100 Stephen Colbert Quotes One Must Read

Famous As: Host of the Satirical Comedy Central Show 'The Colbert Report'
Born On: May 13, 1964
Born In: Washington, D.C., United States
Age: 58 Years

Versatile Stephen Tyrone Colbert is an author, actor, producer, television host, media critic and comedian. Colbert coined ‘Word of the Year 2006’- truthiness. Tyrone, the youngest of 11 kids was born with a cheeky charm. His satirical persona fetched him 2013 Emmy award for the best variety show. He created sketch for Exit 57 and Strangers with Candy. He’s famous for CBS talk show ‘The Late Show with Stephen Colbert’ that lasted for 10 years. Stephen wrote ‘The Dana Carvey Show’, voiced ‘The Ambiguously Gay Duo’ and did a live action version with Fallon, Helms and Hamm. In his teens, he was associated with ‘A Shot in the Dark’- a Rolling Stones cover band. Being close to his family, he mourned the death of his brothers by delving into the world of books and wrote tribute ‘The Colbert Report’ dedicated to his late mother, who motivated him to pursue acting. The bestselling book ‘I am America’ is the brainchild of this registered Democrat. Colbert continues to entertain and inspire others with satirical comedy. To appreciate Colbert's years of insightful comedic genius, we've compiled some of his most memorable quotes. We have excerpted his quotes from his writings, speeches, general life and shows. Presenting a collection of Stephen Colbert Quotes about Christianity, Trump, America, graduation, truthiness, Jesus and much more.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

If our Founding Fathers wanted us to care about the rest of the world, they wouldn't have declared their independence from it.

Stephen Colbert
Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

Stephen Colbert
If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

Stephen Colbert
There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

There's an old saying about those who forget history. I don't remember it, but it's good.

Stephen Colbert
It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Stephen Colbert
A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

A father has to be a provider, a teacher, a role model, but most importantly, a distant authority figure who can never be pleased. Otherwise, how will children ever understand the concept of God?

Stephen Colbert
Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Look, PETA! If God hadn't wanted us to eat animals, he wouldn't have made them so darn tasty!

Stephen Colbert
All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

All Dogs Go To Heaven? Sorry, kids. It's only the dogs who've accepted Christ.

Stephen Colbert
They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

They say the only people who tell the truth are drunkards and children. Guess which one I am.

Stephen Colbert
Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Here's an easy way to figure out if you're in a cult: If you're wondering whether you're in a cult, the answer is yes.

Stephen Colbert
Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Remember, Jesus would rather constantly shame gays than let orphans have a family.

Stephen Colbert
Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Atheism, a religion dedicated to its own sense of smug superiority.

Stephen Colbert
Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Wikipedia is the first place I go when I'm looking for knowledge... or when I want to create some.

Stephen Colbert
Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Women don't want all that. Women just want a partner who is considerate and attentive, who will spoon with them while reciting Keats, and feed them organic yogurt by candlelight on a seaside cliff at sunset.

Stephen Colbert
(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

(on fox news).... it's like watching a Disney movie about the news.

Stephen Colbert
The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

Stephen Colbert
You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

You said in your book that at the end of the day, every politician is human. What about during the day?

Stephen Colbert
Baby carrots are making me gay.

Baby carrots are making me gay.

Stephen Colbert
Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Clearly, America has no shortage of metaphorical opportunities for the poor.

Stephen Colbert
I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.

Stephen Colbert
America used to live by the motto

America used to live by the motto "Father Knows Best." Now we're lucky if "Father Knows He Has Children." We've become a nation of sperm donors and baby daddies.

Stephen Colbert
I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

I may not agree with what you have to say but I will fight you to the death for the right to fight you to the death.

Stephen Colbert
I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

I’m the frosting on America’s cake, and tonight I’m willing to let you lick the bowl.

Stephen Colbert
If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

If Germans are happy it means everyone else is miserable.

Stephen Colbert
I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

I believe that the government that governs best is a government that governs least, and by these standards we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.

Stephen Colbert
The more you know, the sadder you get.

The more you know, the sadder you get.

Stephen Colbert
I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

I live by syllogisms: God is love. Love is blind. Stevie Wonder is blind. Therefore, Stevie Wonder is God. I don't know what I'd believe in if it wasn't for that.

Stephen Colbert
Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

Stephen Colbert
The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.

Stephen Colbert
So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they? The answer can be summed up between two buns.

Stephen Colbert
I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

I cannot stand people who disagree with me on the issue of Roe v. Wade... which I believe is about the proper way to cross a lake.

Stephen Colbert
The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

The only thing that gets me high is the musky scent of my enemy's fear

Stephen Colbert
Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.

Stephen Colbert
It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.

Stephen Colbert
It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

It's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.

Stephen Colbert
Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Attack life, it's going to kill you anyway.

Stephen Colbert
Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

Knock Knock. Who's there? The Truth. No joke.

Stephen Colbert
NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, 
unfortunately, it won't date them either.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

Stephen Colbert
I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

I love the truth. It's the facts I'm not a fan of.

Stephen Colbert
Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.

Stephen Colbert
What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

What's the worst that can happen? A tidal wave? Glaciers with guns?

Stephen Colbert
There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.

Stephen Colbert
‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!

Stephen Colbert
In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.

Stephen Colbert
Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell

Think books aren't scary? Well, think about this: You can't spell "Book" without "Boo!

Stephen Colbert
I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!

I like the fact of John McCain's head being severed. Like that it will fit so much more nicely up George Bush's butt!

Stephen Colbert
I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

I guess 14% plus Jesus equals victory

Stephen Colbert
Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!

Oliver Cromwell can kiss my singing emerald scrotum!

Stephen Colbert
Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Like O'Rielly, we'll grab the most important word of each sentence... 'The' for example. Also, I'll say, 'I'm angry,' and the graphic will read, 'Colbert angry.

Stephen Colbert
Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Scientists have invented a new strain of cannabis without the high. They celebrated with non-alcoholic beer and furious dry-humping.

Stephen Colbert
...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

Stephen Colbert
The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

The pen is mightier than the sword, if you shoot that pen out of a gun

Stephen Colbert
My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.

My character is self-important, poorly informed, well-intentioned but an idiot, ... So we said, `Let's give him a promotion.

Stephen Colbert
I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

I hold a little fundraiser every day. Its called going to work.

Stephen Colbert
Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Now I don't know why he's denying them habeas corpus. I can only assume the guys they got detained over there did something really unforgivable. Like remind Obama he was once a professor of Constitutional Law.

Stephen Colbert
It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

It's the way our founding fathers would have wanted it, if they had founded corporations instead of just a country.

Stephen Colbert
Brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

Brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.

Stephen Colbert
Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Making a better tomorrow, tomorrow.

Stephen Colbert
Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Turn up your hearing aid 'Grandpa', because I'm only going to say this once!

Stephen Colbert
Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

Internet users, that blue screen of death you were looking at this morning? That's the sky. If you're still confused, look it up on Wikipedia tomorrow.

Stephen Colbert
It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

It's official. Highway patrolmen are not susceptible to the Jedi Mind Trick.

Stephen Colbert
After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

After obsessively Googling symptoms for four hours, I discovered 'obsessively Googling symptoms' is a symptom of hypochondria.

Stephen Colbert
NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

NC passed law against global warming science, therefore it's not happening. So I'm ignoring Twitter's 140-character limit, so it's not happ

Stephen Colbert
Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in 
one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

Life is chaotic and unpredictable. If a butterfly flaps its wings in one part of the world, it could cause people at the opposite end of the globe to watch a Discovery Channel special on butterflies

Stephen Colbert
What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

What does Karl Marx put on his pasta? Communist Manipesto!

Stephen Colbert
I am no fan of books.

I am no fan of books.

Stephen Colbert
They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

Stephen Colbert
New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.

Stephen Colbert
Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert

Yes, helping the poor helps keep them stuck in poverty. As Jesus said, 'Tough love thy neighbor as thyself, get your own loaves and fishes.'-- Stephen Colbert

Stephen Colbert
Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

Stephen Colbert
A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

A new study shows that having a severe phobia can hasten aging. But what if my greatest fear IS aging?!?

Stephen Colbert
Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Now, for my younger viewers out there, a book is something we used to have before the internet. It’s sort of a blog for people with attention spans.

Stephen Colbert
Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Divorce is marital welfare.It’s just couples asking society to bail them out because they didn’t do enough research before they got married.

Stephen Colbert
God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.

Stephen Colbert
In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.

Stephen Colbert
Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

Stephen Colbert
If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

If women are breadwinners and men bring home the bacon, why do people complain about having no dough? I'm confused. Also hungry.

Stephen Colbert
The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

The fate of our country is now in the hands of people who don't think about what they want until they get right up to the register at McDonald's.

Stephen Colbert
Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Contraception leads to more babies being born out of wedlock, like fire extinguishers lead to more fires.

Stephen Colbert
Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

Dreams can change, if we all stuck with our first dreams there would be a lot of cowboys and princesses running around.

Stephen Colbert
Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost.

Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

Ghost of Bobby: no, no you can't eat me. I'm a ghost. Stephen Colbert: That just means that there's less bones to pick out.

Stephen Colbert
President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

President Bush, have a hot dog with me.

Stephen Colbert
If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

If I had one wish, it would be for self-drying pants. Wait -- no! Unlimited wishes! How do I return these stupid pants?!

Stephen Colbert
I report, I decide.

I report, I decide.

Stephen Colbert
In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.

Stephen Colbert
Any religion whose messiah’s name 
isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of 
a threat.

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Stephen Colbert
Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s 
responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.

Don’t get me wrong. Being a mom is no picnic. Raising the kids is the mother’s responsibility. It’s a thankless, solitary job, like sheriff or Pope.

Stephen Colbert
That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

That's not a religion, that's Pokemon.

Stephen Colbert
Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

Mitt Romney's email was hacked! So if you start getting messages that sound like they're from a bot, he's fixed the problem.

Stephen Colbert
(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

(Rush are) like the JD Salinger of Canadian Prog Rock

Stephen Colbert
Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

Stephen Colbert
As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

As far as I can tell, a young adult novel is a regular novel that people actually read.

Stephen Colbert
Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Isn't an agnostic just an atheist without balls?

Stephen Colbert
Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

Summer movie idea: take all the sequels that are out right now, and make movies about their backstories.

Stephen Colbert
There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

There hasn't been a scandal this big at the C.I.A. since (CLASSIFIED) committed (CENSORED) to (REDACTED).

Stephen Colbert
The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

The worst thing about affirmative action is that it encourages reverse discrimination, so-called because it goes in the opposite way of how we naturally discriminate.

Stephen Colbert
The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

The skinnification of America's jeanscape has gone too far.

Stephen Colbert
I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

I love making observations. That one is a classic example.

Stephen Colbert
That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

That’s why our TVs are brimming with so much hot man-on-pan action. You can’t channel surf for long without seeing turkey getting stuffed over and over until they finally cut to the gravy shot.

Stephen Colbert