Great News! If you quit being cunty the whole world will stop being against you!
That still feels like the most accurate description - I felt homesick, but I was home.
Your inability to see yourself clearly is what's keeping you alive.
People who call themselves divas...you are not a diva. I'm pretty sure you're a cunt.
Summer camp: the second worst camp for Jews.
I am diagnosed with not having enough insanely-addictive drugs coursing through my body.
Nothing seems crazy when you're used to it.
I was going to get an abortion the other day. I totally wanted an abortion. And it turns out I was just thirsty.
HE BROKE HIS NOSE GIVING A FAKE BLOWJOB. Holy shit. I love that story with every part of me.
Unvisited tombstones, unread diaries, and erased video game high-score rankings are three of the most potent symbols of mankind's pathetic and fruitless attempts at immortality.
But I think you can make fun of anything as long as it's funny enough.
She loved dogs, New York, television, children, friendship, sex, laughing, heartbreaking songs, marijuana, farts, and cuddling.
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If women could ejaculate, I would have exploded hot jizz all over my manager's face. Instead, I hugged him. (about getting the SNL gig as a writer)
Women don't ask to be raped, but there are some that are asking to be motorboated
Now you're in a meeting.
It's not cold in here, you're just dying.
I know I'm not funny. I mean, let's face it, I'm no Groucho Marx. But if you're a guy, and you're watching late night television, are you gonna start jacking off to Groucho? I don't think so!
If life is a meal, then diaries are the toilets in which we shit out its vile remnants.
