The thing women have yet to learn is nobody gives you power. You just take it.
Growing up in a Jewish matriarchal world inside the patriarchal paradise of Salt Lake City, Utah, gave me increased perspective on gender issues, as it also did my gay brother and my lesbian sister. Our younger sister is the perfect Jewish-American wife and mother, and is fiercely proud of that fact.
You can always get better. Nobody can stop you from getting better, and nobody can stop you from trying to make something right.
Meditation state is a place of deep relaxation where you can pinpoint the things you do and to set a paradigm switch from effect to cause. So how to be a cause in your own life.
Women of this planet need some essential resources: wells, seeds and roads. That is primarily all we have ever needed. Added to that, women need righteous and strong men who will help us to use our most cherished gifts: the ability to multitask and problem solve.
My hope is that gays will be running the world, because then there would be no war. Just a greater emphasis on military apparel.
Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself.
There's a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there's a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.
Excuse the mess but we live here.
It's okay to be fat. So you're fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.
I know how to do anything, I'm a mom.
A guy is a lump like a doughnut. So, first you gotta get rid of all the stuff his mom did to him. And then you gotta get rid of all that macho crap that they pick up from beer commercials. And then there's my personal favorite, the male ego.
Birth control that really works - every night before we go to bed we spend an hour with our kids.
'Winning' in Hollywood means not just power, money, and complimentary smoked-salmon pizza, but also that everyone around you fails just as you are peaking.
The real truth is, I just want to keep the voice of dissent alive in all of our elections. I don't really want to hang out with politicians.
Imitation is the sincerest form of show business.
I'm enjoying my life, post-menopause, so much. It's just so great to grow into yourself, and not be bothered with all that tyranny of biology.
You kind of restructure your whole personality to be in a healthy relationship.
I'm a farmer now, and it's fantastic. My goal is to be totally self-sufficient and grow everything that I eat. There's something about earning your dinner that's cool.
I want to say that nobody accuses their parents of abusing them without justification to do that. I didn't just make it up. A lot of things were true and abusive and horrible things that happened to me that my father did.
I meditate so I know how to find a peaceful place within to be calm and peaceful.
I actually regard Facebook as a huge bore, but I cannot refrain from participating in it. I guess I crave the feeling of hope it gives me to think that today will be different from yesterday, that I will find an interesting comment or poke or video, and on the extremely rare occasion when that happens, I am just thrilled.
I never do anything fun, because I'm a housewife. I hate that word 'housewife.' I prefer to be called 'domestic goddess.'
I always had a dissociative disorder. But I healed from it over the course of 14 years of big-time therapy. But, you know, I mean, everybody's kind of loony now. So I was kind of a pioneer in the mental illness thing, too.
My real life is funnier than anything on TV.
The day I worry about cleaning my house is the day Sears comes out with a riding vacuum cleaner.
I think I'm hysterical. I watch myself on tape and just roar - isn't that weird?
I'm tired of watching as men destroy all the world. Everything used to be beautiful when women were in charge, and now I, working as the physical manifestation of the goddess Isis and the reincarnation of Cleopatra, have decided to save the world.
Judaism is one of the last of the world's matrilineal philosophies. Matriarchies are always the cultures that patriarchy attacks and decimates, because they don't spend all their money on the military like patriarchy does. They are easy prey.
Patriarchy is a bully notion, which if you will notice never attacks a nation that can defend itself. Zionism is patriarchal and sets Judaism on its head.
I was not raised a Zionist, but a socialist, as were most Jews before the Holocaust.
Patriarchy is impotent and qualitatively unable to solve even the most simple problems in the cosmos such as picking up their own socks or placing a carton of milk back in the refrigerator after drinking from it.
Humanity is a failed experiment, but I think I'm God and I'd like to start over. I don't want to die, I just want everyone else to. I certainly would not be lonely. It would be exciting never having to listen to another person again but just my own self droning on and on. That's why I write a blog. And I read it, too.
I can't have cats around me because they try to steal my energy.
I had - after I sang the 'Star Spangled Banner' so badly, after my tragic singing accident, after that, you know, all my stuff kind of, like, really got even more full blown and, you know, I got stage fright and, you know, I couldn't do stand-up anymore and let alone sing and all the other things.
I always felt that it was easier to take a funny person and teach them to write television than to take somebody who was a television writer and make them funny. And I discovered a lot of great writers that went on to do a lot of great shows like 'Seinfeld,' 'Friends,' you know, 'Three and a Half Men.'
I'm very introspective, and I mostly don't talk to people. I get into a real quiet, meditative place.
It's not really the job of a public servant to inspire, but to get the job that the people demand done. The Democrats think that if they have hope and are inspired, things will get better, but they actually won't.
I'm kosher except for times where I eat pork and shellfish.
You know, I'm blessed. 'Blessed' is a better way of saying 'rich.'
Take this marriage thing seriously - it has to last all the way to the divorce.
To say that I have an undisciplined mind would not be incorrect overall, but it's a little off the mark because I have great discipline when I write - but only for about ten minutes.
I try to do women's-point-of-view comedy. The joke is, 'This is what I think; there's the truth.' I try to think of stuff that's real broad, but the more personal it is, the more universal it is. All my friends go through the same stuff.
I do kabbalistic meditation. It's not unlike time travel; it can change the past and not just the future. You can look at what was lost and go beyond the grief of what was lost.
I think I should be here alone to rethink the world - I do. I want these lesser humans gone.
Experts say you should never hit your children in anger. When is a good time? When you're feeling festive?
Women should try to increase their size rather than decrease it, because I believe the bigger we are, the more space we'll take up, and the more we'll have to be reckoned with.
I hate every human being on earth. I feel that everyone is beneath me, and I feel they should all worship me. That's what I told my kids.
My husband and I didn't sign a pre-nuptial agreement. We signed a mutual suicide pact.
The quickest way to a man's heart is through his chest.
I was completely nuts for most of my life.
I'm a comic, and I'm supposed to outrage and make people laugh, Part of makin' people laugh is to shake up their thinkin'. That's what I came here to do.
The fact that my grown kids like to hang out with me, I mean, it just - I don't think it really can get any better than that, I don't think.
Everything that's written about me has such a negative taint. It just has a life of its own, like an avalanche, and I don't think there's anything I can do to stop it.
TV family sitcoms have always been about fathers who know best and mothers who are so enchanted with everything they do. I wanted to be the first mom to be a mom on TV. I wanted to sent out a message about how us women really feel.
I used to want to be a movie star so I wouldn't have to live in trailers anymore. And now that I make movies, I spend a lot of my life living in trailers.
Since I had my gastric bypass surgery in 1998, I eat like a bird. Unfortunately, that bird is a California condor.
I like facts and data because they help me think clearly, beyond the cultural messages that I ingest unwittingly, and sometimes find myself regurgitating almost unconsciously.
Facts and data, rather than opinion, are the two cornerstones of problem solving, and yet they are consistently withheld from the people by American media. We must have facts and data in order to recognize where there is a problem!
I am a woman, therefore I am a problem solver.
I will barnstorm American living rooms. Mainstream media will be unable to ignore me, but more importantly they will be unable to overlook the needs of average Americans in the run-up to the 2012 election.
One of the first things I bought when I made 'Roseanne Show' money was a farm in Iowa.
I do say that I am in favor of the return of the guillotine and that is for the worst of the worst of the guilty.
Both the Democratic and Republican parties are bought and paid for by corporate America and cater to the needs of the highest bidder as opposed to the people they claim to represent. I cannot be bought.
I think that all comics or humorists, or whatever we are, ask questions. That's what we're supposed to do. But I not only ask the questions, I offer solutions.
When I used to watch comedians with my dad, he laid it all out for me. He wanted to be a comedian himself, and he was so funny. We'd watch stand-up on TV, and he'd tell me the subtext of what they were saying.
You can't break through Hollywood formulaic points of view. I've tried, and I think I was more successful than anybody at doing it.
I'm not a politician. I think that uniquely qualifies me to become president of the U.S.
There is no real third party in America. There's this one party that has two sides to it - the Democratic and Republican side. It's one party that has two heads.
In order to be able to write a good joke, you have to find the truth.
I was raised on government cheese. As an adult, in my first marriage, my husband and I worked real hard just to go bankrupt. I happened to write some jokes about it. I did real well for myself.
I wish I'd done a tenth year of the 'Roseanne' show.
The American people are sick and tired of this 'lesser evil' garbage they get fed every election year. Both the Democrats and the Republicans do the same evils once they're in office.
After my 1985 appearance on 'The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson,' I was wooed by producers in Hollywood, who told me they wanted to turn my act into a sitcom.
Nothing real or truthful makes its way to TV unless you are smart and know how to sneak it in, and I would tell you how I did it, but then I would have to kill you.
I say I'm the only serious comedian in the presidential race. And I'd like to take this opportunity to ask both Romney and Obama to debate me. Because I think that both of those guys - I think that the American people are being given a false choice, because the choice between the lesser of two evils is a false choice.
Men read maps better than women because only men can understand the concept of an inch equaling a hundred miles.
I like to get people talking. I am a provocateur, and I do like getting on Twitter and riling people up. You know what, after a while some sane dialogue and sane conclusions come of that kind of thing.
I always was a writer, but then I wanted to do stand-up because I thought that was a way that I could perform what I wrote.
Ever since I was a girl, I have written about one to five pages every day - on napkins, on scrap paper, in notebooks and tablets, on the walls in my room as a teenager, and in orange paint on the cheap white plastic blinds in my room.
And, you know, I liked writing humor. Well, I should say, I wanted to write seriously, but it kept turning funny.
We're not meant to be parents when we're 50.
I loved comedy all my life. I think it's a real powerful art form.
I want to eat, cook, meet famous people and make fun of them.
They've said 'Roseanne's nuts' for years, and now I'm going to make that a reality - I'm all about nuts now, macadamia nuts!
I am an observant Jew! Now my secret is out.
As Prime Minister of Israel, I will introduce a bill into the Knesset that will simply pay the Arabs not to shoot at the Jews.
Just ten of the Jewish billionaires on this Earth have more than enough to transform the occupied territories into heaven. We can put the 'pal' back in Palestinian.
Why have I been chosen to deliver the message of female intelligence and its divinity to a deaf world of males? I have asked my god that question and She answered, 'Hey, why not you Roseanne?' Indeed, why not each of us?
I'm God because I have the power to control my mind.
You know when you first get rich, and you, like, just buy everything that you see? I did that for several years. And I have sheds full of things, maybe sometimes nine copies of the same thing.
To expect life to treat you good is foolish as hoping a bull won't hit you because you are a vegetarian.
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.
I'm either mentally ill or Jewish. I can't sometimes tell the difference.
Excuse the mess, but we live here.
I'm never going to get married again. Three strikes, you're out. I think if I would try to get married again in California, I have to go to prison, don't I? I think you only get three.
A lot of people in television who've had successful shows claim the 'Roseanne' show as their starting place, and I'm really proud of that.
I actually get more conservative when I'm in Vegas.
I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.
Comedy is the only hope for humanity.
The most out-there thing I’m saying is, ‘Don’t have babies. Don’t get married and have kids. Have a larger life than that.
Nobody wanted the 'Roseanne' show. I heard from agents that there was no interest in a show about a fat woman and her family.
Women are cursed, and men are the proof.
