I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.
My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens
Life's a short trip. You'll find out.
I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back
What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.
My wife and I were happy for twenty year. Then we met.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.
