75 Rodney Dangerfield Quotes You Must Know

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bees and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy's pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.

Time I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.

Time I

Rodney Dangerfield  

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I say 'no' to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, 'no.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over. There's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

Last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.

Time Like I

Rodney Dangerfield  

When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

Look out for number one and try not to step in number two.

Rodney Dangerfield  

Life's a short trip. You'll find out.

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wifes cooking is so bad the flys fix our screens

Rodney Dangerfield  

I'm not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife and I were happy for twenty year. Then we met.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

What a doctor I’ve got—he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then he hit me in the balls with a hammer.

Me

Rodney Dangerfield  

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand. Rodney Dangerfield

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

Marriage...it's not a word, it's a sentence.

Rodney Dangerfield  

I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'

Me God I

Rodney Dangerfield  

Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.

Time

Rodney Dangerfield  

Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.

Rodney Dangerfield  

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

Family I

Rodney Dangerfield  

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!

Me Never I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.

Me Like

Rodney Dangerfield  

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

Rodney Dangerfield  

I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

Life

Rodney Dangerfield  

I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

Time I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.

Me

Rodney Dangerfield  

Life is just a bowl of pits.

Life

Rodney Dangerfield  

One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.

Me

Rodney Dangerfield  

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

If it wasn't for pick-pockets I'd have no sex life at all.

Life

Rodney Dangerfield  

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

Me Never

Rodney Dangerfield  

What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife can't cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

Rodney Dangerfield  

I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

A girl phoned me the other day and said... 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.

Me Trying I

Rodney Dangerfield  

Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

Me

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.

Me

Rodney Dangerfield  

My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.

Me

Rodney Dangerfield  

My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.

Rodney Dangerfield  

I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.

I

Rodney Dangerfield  

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

Rodney Dangerfield  

When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

Together

Rodney Dangerfield  

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

Me I

Rodney Dangerfield  

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

Family I

Rodney Dangerfield