You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.
Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.
Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.
I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
I don't like to make a big splash anyway.
Golf and dating don't mix.
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
I'm a walking, talking enigma.
I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.
In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.
It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.
When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.
The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.
Obviously comedic styles do change.
I believe in something.
Drugs scared me.
If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.
Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.
I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.
I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.
I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.
I can't stand reading anything that I've said.
You know, I'm really not that bright.
I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.
I have no secrets.
I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.
It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.
I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.
I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.
I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.
Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.
I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.
Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.
Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.
The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.
Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.
You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.
It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.
Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.
I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.
Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.
The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.
All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.
And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.
At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.
A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied
Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.
There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.
I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.
I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.
I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I'd rather give them things than time.
I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.
Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.
An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole
I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'
When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands
I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.
Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.
The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward.
I don't like people cleaning my room.
My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.
I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.
People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.
There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.
You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.
I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'
Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!