Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of quotes and thoughts by Larry David on enthusiasm, women, humiliation, humor, comedy, writing, plays, dating, love, heart and romance.

86 Notable Quotes By Larry David

Quick Facts

Born On: July 2, 1947

Born In: Brooklyn

Larry David is an American actor, writer, comedian, playwright and television producer. He started his career as a standup comedian. In 1980, he was recognized as a writer and cast member for ABC’s ‘Fridays’. Larry, later joined hands with comedian Jerry Seinfeld and created a pilot for NBC which was named ‘The Seinfeld Chronicles’ which became one of the most successful series in the history of television. ‘Sour Grapes’ was one of the movies which was written and directed by him and was well-received by the audience. He was also a part of few other movies including ‘Radio Days’, ‘New York Stories’ and ‘Whatever Works’. He bagged in an ‘Emmy Award’ for ‘Outstanding Writing of a Comedy Series’. The timeless wisdom of the renowned comedian is evident from his thoughts, work, writings and plays. It would not be wrong to say that he has been the one who has aptly epitomized the 21st century’s irrational anxiety, weariness and indifference for people around. Read on the following quotations and thoughts by Larry David that will give you a glimpse of world besides bringing a twinkle to your eyes.

You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.

Larry David

Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.

Larry David

Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.

Larry David

I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.

Larry David

Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.

Larry David

Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.

Larry David

When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.

Larry David

I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.

Larry David

If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.

Larry David

Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.

Larry David

I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.

Larry David

I don't like to make a big splash anyway.

Larry David

Golf and dating don't mix.

Larry David

It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.

Larry David

When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.

Larry David

Women love a self-confident bald man.

Larry David

I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.

Larry David

I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'

Larry David

OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.

Larry David

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

Larry David

No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.

Larry David

I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.

Larry David

I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.

Larry David

I'm a walking, talking enigma.

Larry David

I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.

Larry David

I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.

Larry David

I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.

Larry David

I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.

Larry David

In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.

Larry David

It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.

Larry David

When I was living in New York, there was a lot of screaming in my life. I would just get into these altercations all the time. Being in public, dealing with shopkeepers, just trying to cross the street - things like that.

Larry David

The lunch in a normal American restaurant is very problematic for me. I don't like to have hot food for lunch.

Larry David

Obviously comedic styles do change.

Larry David

I believe in something.

Larry David

Drugs scared me.

Larry David

If you tell the truth about how you're feeling, it becomes funny.

Larry David

Sure, being a reservist wasn't as glamorous, but I was the one who had to look at myself in the mirror.

Larry David

I'm really only happy when I'm on stage. I just feed off the energy of the audience. That's what I'm all about - people and laughter.

Larry David

I don't write shows with dialogue where actors have to memorize dialogue. I write the scenes where we know everything that's going to happen. There's an outline of about seven or eight pages, and then we improvise it.

Larry David

I don't really know much about TV and what people want to see. I'm not that well-informed about it.

Larry David

I can't stand reading anything that I've said.

Larry David

You know, I'm really not that bright.

Larry David

I'm not a person who embraces challenges. I run from challenges. I break world records running from challenges.

Larry David

I have no secrets.

Larry David

I don't like to say anything good. I feel like I'll jinx myself.

Larry David

It's always good to take something that's happened in your life and make something of it comedically.

Larry David

I don't like to be out of my comfort zone, which is about a half an inch wide.

Larry David

I couldn't be happier that President Bush has stood up for having served in the National Guard, because I can finally put an end to all those who questioned my motives for enlisting in the Army Reserve at the height of the Vietnam War.

Larry David

I learned the first night that IHOP's not the place to order fish.

Larry David

Pretty good. Pretttttttty, pretttttttttty, pretttttty good.

Larry David

I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it's hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.

Larry David

Hey, I may loathe myself, but it has nothing to do with the fact that I'm Jewish.

Larry David

Hear the birds? Sometimes I like to pretend that I'm deaf and I try to imagine what it's like not to be able to hear them. It's not that bad.

Larry David

The addition of nuts in salad... I always find to be beneficial.

Larry David

Sometimes I have these fantasies of just moving to a foreign country and coming back with a full head of hair. Or not even come back! Make a new life there with hair... Change my name, just see what happens.

Larry David

You can't do anything in life. The social barriers in life are so intense and horrific that every encounter is just fraught with so many problems and dread. Every social situation is a potential nightmare.

Larry David

It began to dawn on me that perhaps my country needed me more at home than overseas.

Larry David

Every relationship is just so tenuous and precarious.

Larry David

I don't think anyone really is interested in reading about my emotional state. It's not even interesting to me.

Larry David

Most of the time I'm thinking, I'm glad that scene was improvised.

Larry David

The best situation is being a single parent. The best part about is that you get time off, too, because the kids are with their mom, so it's the best of both worlds. There's a lot to be said for it.

Larry David

All of a sudden I discovered that I'm allergic to caviar. It was the perfect metaphor for my life. When I was only able to afford bad caviar, I could certainly eat my fill of it.

Larry David

And eventually as I kept writing it, something emerged that was not quite me but a version of me.

Larry David

At first, I didn't realize it was gonna be a character. I just thought I was gonna be doing me.

Larry David

Until I started doing standup, there were some very bleak days.

Larry David

A good compromise is when both parties are dissatisfied

Larry David

There's a sense of spontaneity, and no emphasis on jokes in this show. People generally talk the way they talk in life if you were in this particular situation.

Larry David

I was very fortunate to hook up with Jerry in the first place. The network was already committed to doing something with him, so I skipped a couple of hundred steps right there.

Larry David

I tell people that I've now done one decent thing in my life. Albeit inadvertently.

Larry David

I'd rather have the thieves than the neighbors - the thieves don't impose. Thieves just want your things, neighbors want your time. I'd rather give them things than time.

Larry David

I wanted to make a living, but I really was not interested in money at all. I was interested in being a great comedian.

Larry David

Actually I walk around with the Emmy wherever I go, but I'm very casual about it.

Larry David

An employee is told that the customer is always right and, in fact, the customer is usually a moron and as asshole

Larry David

I have quite a house. People come over and I go, 'I know, I'm sorry.'

Larry David

When I’m in social situations I always hold onto my glass. It makes me feel comfortable and secure, and I don’t have to shake hands

Larry David

I'm not quite as anonymous as I was.

Larry David

Trying on pants is one of the most humiliating things a man can suffer that doesn't involve a woman.

Larry David

The temperature in that hangar would sometimes get down to 40 degrees, and very often I had to put on long underwear, which was so restrictive I suffered from an acute vascular disorder for days afterward.

Larry David

I don't like people cleaning my room.

Larry David

My defensiveness in life really helps me as a driver.

Larry David

I still think of that guy I was without a wife or kids, and I still want to entertain that guy. The lonely guy, the frustrated guy, the guy with no money - this is the guy who needs to laugh.

Larry David

People don't yell nasty things at actors - they let them continue.

Larry David

There's also a certain rhythm to the way Jews talk that might be funny.

Larry David

You have to discover when you're inadequate to be funny and you don't know you're inadequate when you're a kid.

Larry David

I defy anyone to produce any evidence that the word 'happy' has ever crossed my lips. I am not now, nor have I ever been, 'happy.'

Larry David

Well, after the divorce, I went home and turned all the lights on!

Larry David