Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of thoughts and quotes by Jon Stewart on religion, death, inspiration, humor, politics, and democracy.

62 Jon Stewart Quotes That Reveal His Wit & Humor

Quick Facts

Famous As: American comedian

Born On: November 28, 1962

Born In: New York City, New York, U.S.

Jon Stewart is a popular American satirist, actor, comedian, producer, director, media critic and writer. The divorce of his parents made his childhood a little difficult. He used his comic timing to escape the bullying at Lawrence High School. He tried his luck as a stand-up comedian by working with small shows and eventually made it to ‘The Comedy Cellar’. By 1989, he rose to fame as the writer of ‘Caroline's Comedy Hour’. The ‘Jon Stewart Show’, with MTV was a great success and showcased his skills as a comedian. Stewart played romantic lead in films like,‘Playing by Heart’ and ‘Wishful Thinking’. He played an alien possessed professor in the horror flick, ‘The Faculty’, before returning to comedy with ‘Half Baked’ and ‘Big Daddy’. He returned to television, as a comedian cum host in late night talk shows, ‘The Daily Show’ being the most prominent. He has also contributed as a satirist, and hosted ‘The Grammy’ and ‘Academy Awards’, more than once. Over time, his satirical writings have become popular quotes and are frequently quoted by people. His writings, thoughts, sayings and quotations are very relevant and convey the message in a clear way. Presenting a collection of Jon Stewart sayings, thoughts and quotes  on religion, death, inspiration, humor, politics, and democracy.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

Jon Stewart

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

Jon Stewart

I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days.

Jon Stewart

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

Jon Stewart

You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena.

Jon Stewart

If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies.

Jon Stewart

If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!?

Jon Stewart

If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us?

Jon Stewart

I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance

Jon Stewart

I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character.

Jon Stewart

Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car.

Jon Stewart

Insomnia is my greatest inspiration.

Jon Stewart

Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality.

Jon Stewart

By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams.

Jon Stewart

Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people.

Jon Stewart

If everything is amplified, we hear nothing.

Jon Stewart

Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot.

Jon Stewart

We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox.

Jon Stewart

To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me!

Jon Stewart

To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak.

Jon Stewart

The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom.

Jon Stewart

Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him.

Jon Stewart

Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain

Jon Stewart

We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music.

Jon Stewart

And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k.

Jon Stewart

We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry.

Jon Stewart

Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch.

Jon Stewart

I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her.

Jon Stewart

When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways?

Jon Stewart

If we amplify everything, we hear nothing.

Jon Stewart

What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do?

Jon Stewart

The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church.

Jon Stewart

You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.

Jon Stewart

Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out. I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq. We've been following time as it goes forward. What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11.

Jon Stewart

The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness.

Jon Stewart

It's like hunting cows

Jon Stewart

You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect.

Jon Stewart

No one is better at not beating America than England.

Jon Stewart

The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith.

Jon Stewart

Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food? --7/14/09 interview with Peter Mancall, author of Fatal Journey

Jon Stewart

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime.

Jon Stewart

The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too.

Jon Stewart

I feel your scorn, and I accept it.

Jon Stewart

Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&!

Jon Stewart

You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, f**k it.

Jon Stewart

As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable.

Jon Stewart

What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone.

Jon Stewart

Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.

Jon Stewart

Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it.

Jon Stewart

Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic.

Jon Stewart

Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man.

Jon Stewart

You're tired of hearing about it? (racism) Imagine how freaking tiring it must be living through it.

Jon Stewart

I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.

Jon Stewart

Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee "Operation Masturbate.

Jon Stewart

Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.

Jon Stewart

Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.

Jon Stewart

It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason.

Jon Stewart

[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree.

Jon Stewart

Classroom Activities 1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!

Jon Stewart

In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it?

Jon Stewart

Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash.

Jon Stewart

[Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms.

Jon Stewart