62 Jon Stewart Quotes That Reveal His Wit & Humor
New York City, New York, U.S.
Jon Stewart is a popular American satirist, actor, comedian, producer, director, media critic and writer. The divorce of his parents made his childhood a little difficult. He used his comic timing to escape the bullying at Lawrence High School. He tried his luck as a stand-up comedian by working with small shows and eventually made it to ‘The Comedy Cellar’. By 1989, he rose to fame as the writer of ‘Caroline's Comedy Hour’. The ‘Jon Stewart Show’, with MTV was a great success and showcased his skills as a comedian. Stewart played romantic lead in films like,‘Playing by Heart’ and ‘Wishful Thinking’. He played an alien possessed professor in the horror flick, ‘The Faculty’, before returning to comedy with ‘Half Baked’ and ‘Big Daddy’. He returned to television, as a comedian cum host in late night talk shows, ‘The Daily Show’ being the most prominent. He has also contributed as a satirist, and hosted ‘The Grammy’ and ‘Academy Awards’, more than once. Over time, his satirical writings have become popular quotes and are frequently quoted by people. His writings, thoughts, sayings and quotations are very relevant and convey the message in a clear way. Presenting a collection of Jon Stewart sayings, thoughts and quotes on religion, death, inspiration, humor, politics, and democracy.
Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake. Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion. I've been to Canada, and I've always gotten the impression that I could take the country over in about two days. I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land. You have to remember one thing about the will of the people: it wasn't that long ago that we were swept away by the Macarena. If you don't stick to your values when they're being tested, they're not values: they're hobbies. If "con" is the opposite of pro, then isn't Congress the opposite of progress? Or did we just fucking blow your mind?!? If America leads a blessed life, then why did God put all of our oil under people who hate us? I’m not going to censor myself to comfort your ignorance I was born with an adult head and a tiny body. Like a 'Peanuts' character. Get there early because hope does not park your mother-fucking car. Insomnia is my greatest inspiration. Religion is far more of a choice than homosexuality. By the way, when you finish the bottle of Crown Royal, you can still use the pouch to hold your broken dreams. Most world religions denounced war as a barbaric waste of human life. We treasured the teachings of these religions so dearly that we frequently had to wage war in order to impose them on other people. If everything is amplified, we hear nothing. Pigmentation was a quick and convenient way of judging a person. One of us, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., once proposed we instead judge people by the content of their character. He was shot. We must, together as a nation, stop watching Fox. To the people who are upset about their hard-earned tax money going to things they don’t like: welcome to the f*cking club. Reimburse me for the Iraq war and oil subsidies, and diaphragms are on me! To have not shot his friend in the face would have sent a message to the quail that America is weak. The internet is just a world passing notes around a classroom. Donald Rumsfeld. Love him or hate him, you've gotta admit: a lot of people hate him. Yesterday, the president met with a group he calls the coalition of the willing. Or, as the rest of the world calls them, Britain and Spain We've come from the same history - 2000 years of persecution - we've just expressed our sufferings differently. Blacks developed the blues. Jews complained, we just never thought of putting it to music. And try as I might, I am having difficulty giving a f**k. We called her Mother Earth. Because she gave birth to us, and then we sucked her dry. Parenthood is an amazing opportunity to be able to ruin someone from scratch. I have some bad news. Bjork cannot be here tonight. She was trying on her Oscar dress and Dick Cheney shot her. When did fact checking and journalism go their separate ways? If we amplify everything, we hear nothing. What would Jesus, or any human being who isn't an asshole, do? The Westboro Baptist Church is no more a church than Church's Fried Chicken is a church. You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning. Wait a minute! Wait a minute! I figured this out.
I know what's wrong with what we've done in Iraq.
We've been following time as it goes forward.
What a classic mistake. Linear time is so pre-9-11. The bias of the mainstream media is toward sensationalism, conflict, and laziness. You can use your idealism to further your aims, if you realize that nothing is Nirvana, nothing is perfect. No one is better at not beating America than England. The more you delve into science, the more it appears to rely on faith. Why would these English explorers search for these spices, yet never use them in their food? --7/14/09 interview with Peter Mancall, author of Fatal Journey If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you have no regime. The problem with the Tea Party is they're all ignorant hillbillies who drink moonshine and ride around on mules. And they believe in stereotypes too. I feel your scorn, and I accept it. Cause if there's one thing Islamic terrorists don't have is....(seriously thinking about it)....%#@&! You know what they say: If at first you don't succeed, f**k it. As an adolescent, Vonnegut made my life bearable. What are you so mad about? That we still have a government? We still have “traffic lights.” We’re sorry. The government’s not perfect, but some people wish it was better, not gone. Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates. Race is there. You're tire of hearing about it? Imagine how fucking exhausting it is living it. Evil is relatively rare; ignorance is epidemic. Love what you do. Get good at it. Competence is a rare commodity in this day and age. And let the chips fall where they man. You're tired of hearing about it? (racism) Imagine how freaking tiring it must be living through it. I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection. Often, no sooner would the mind begin to scale the heights of Mt. Knowledge than it would receive a frantic call from body base camp, demanding it return to oversee "Operation Masturbate. Campaigns and elections are the process in which democracy separates the willing from the able, and goes with the willing.
Free time is death to the anxious, and thank goodness I don't have any of it right now.
It is perhaps a sign of the strength of our republic that so few people feel the need to participate. That must be the reason.
[Stump speeches] are to oratory what a stump is to a tree.
1. Using felt and yarn, make a hand puppet of Clarence Thomas. Ta-da! You're Antonin Scalia!
In whose delusional mind is democracy made better by letting wealthier people control more of it?
Newspapers abound, and though they have endured decades of decline in readership and influence, they can still form impressive piles if no one takes them out to the trash. [Politicans] are salespeople. Instead of rotisserie ovens they are selling this idea of preemptive war or social-security reforms.