Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

A collection of quotations and sayings by Garrison Keillor on marriage, children, death, life and love.

63 Most Notable Quotes By Garrison Keillor, The Renowned Humorist

Quick Facts

Born On: August 7, 1942

Born In: Anoka, Minnesota

Garrison Keillor is an acclaimed American radio personality, exalted for his radio program, ‘A Prairie Home Companion’. Apart from this, he also contributes to the print media as he is a writer as well. He is known as a ‘humorist’ and compared to the likes of Mark Twain and Will Rogers. Regarded as one of the best ‘story-tellers’ and voice artists, Keillor is known for using his humor to draw people towards his persona. His signature red sneakers that he pairs up with a really formal suit illustrate how significant humor is for him. Whatever he has said or written have become quite famous as his quotes and thoughts and is quoted extensively. He is well connected to his roots and the way he banters about his home town in orations confirms his love for his roots. Keillor is also active in democratic politics and was most recently in news after the US presidential elections. His latest contribution that made a buzz, was the article published on, ‘The Washington Post’ after Donald Trump was elected as the President. His thoughts and quotations tackle the most serious and sensitive topics in a lighter tone. Here are few of his notable quotes.
Listed In:

Anyone who thinks sitting in church can make you a Christian must also think that sitting in a garage can make you a car.

Garrison Keillor

Cats are intended to teach us that not everything in nature has a purpose.

Garrison Keillor

A book is a gift you can open again and again.

Garrison Keillor

Nothing you do for children is ever wasted.

Garrison Keillor

I believe in looking reality straight in the eye and denying it.

Garrison Keillor

When in doubt, look intelligent.

Garrison Keillor

Thank you, dear God, for this good life and forgive us if we do not love it enough.

Garrison Keillor

You get old and you realize there are no answers, just stories.

Garrison Keillor

One reads books in order to gain the privilege of living more than one life. People who don't read are trapped in a mine shaft, even if they think the sun is shining.

Garrison Keillor

The French have a new president, the British will soon have a new P.M., and we envy them as we endure the endless wait for this small dim man to go back to Texas and resume his life.

Garrison Keillor

A girl in a bikini is like having a loaded gun on your coffee table- There's nothing wrong with them, but it's hard to stop thinking about.

Garrison Keillor

A young writer is easily tempted by the allusive and ethereal and ironic and reflective, but the declarative is at the bottom of most good writing.

Garrison Keillor

A lovely thing about Christmas is that it's compulsory, like a thunderstorm, and we all go through it together.

Garrison Keillor

Evelyn was an insomniac so when they say she died in her sleep, you have to question that.

Garrison Keillor

God writes a lot of comedy... the trouble is, he's stuck with so many bad actors who don't know how to play funny.

Garrison Keillor

It's a shallow life that doesn't give a person a few scars.

Garrison Keillor

That's the news from Lake Woebegon, where all the women are strong, all the men are good-looking, and all the children are above average.

Garrison Keillor

Some luck lies in not getting what you thought you wanted but getting what you have, which once you have it you may be smart enough to see is what you would have wanted had you known.

Garrison Keillor

Life is unjust and this is what makes it so beautiful. Every day is a gift. Be brave and take hold of it.

Garrison Keillor

Intelligence is like four-wheel drive. It only allows you to get stuck in more remote places.

Garrison Keillor

Sex is good, but not as good as fresh sweet corn.

Garrison Keillor

I've seen the truth, and it makes no sense.

Garrison Keillor

The most un-American thing you can say is, 'You can't say that.

Garrison Keillor

Be well, do good work, and keep in touch.

Garrison Keillor

They say such nice things about people at their funerals that it makes me sad to realize that I'm going to miss mine by just a few days.

Garrison Keillor

It is a sin to believe evil of others but it is seldom a mistake.

Garrison Keillor

Even in a time of elephantine vanity and greed, one never has to look far to see the campfires of gentle people.

Garrison Keillor

Know the quiet place within your heart and touch the rainbow of possibility; be alive to the gentle breeze of communication, and please stop being such a jerk.

Garrison Keillor

If you lived today as if it were your last, you'd buy up a box of rockets and fire them all off, wouldn't you?

Garrison Keillor

We come from people who brought us up to believe that life is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

Garrison Keillor

When you wage war on the public schools, you're attacking the mortar that holds the community together. You're not a conservative, you're a vandal.

Garrison Keillor

The highlight of my childhood was making my brother laugh so hard that food came out his nose.

Garrison Keillor

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

Garrison Keillor

Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye, and deny it.

Garrison Keillor

It's important for survival that children have their own experiences, the kind they learn from. The kind their parents arrange for are not as useful. Good parents are the hardest to get rid of.

Garrison Keillor

Some people have a love of their fellow man in their hearts, and others require a light anesthetic.

Garrison Keillor

I was afraid you had deceased,' he said. 'Or gotten engrossed in a long book.

Garrison Keillor

He was admired for never being at a loss for words and never wasting any either.

Garrison Keillor

Marrying for sex is like flying to London for the free peanuts and pretzels. It's not the point of the thing, is it?

Garrison Keillor

You're such a big liar you gotta get your neighbor to call your dog.

Garrison Keillor

The Gospel is meant to comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.

Garrison Keillor

I have taken so many wrong turns and been so careless with precious things and managed to lose, or break, or leave out in the rain so much that I loved.

Garrison Keillor

A good newspaper is never good enough, but a lousy newspaper is a joy forever.

Garrison Keillor

Just because we're fictional characters doesn't mean you can pick us up and move us anywhere you want.--the people of Lake Woebegon

Garrison Keillor

If you can't read a simple goddam sign and follow one simple goddam instruction then get your fat butt the hell out of here.

Garrison Keillor

Computers can never completely replace humans. They may become capable of artificial intelligence, but they will never master real stupidity.

Garrison Keillor

The rich can afford to be progressive. Poor people have reason to be afraid of the future.

Garrison Keillor

Hurry up! Do it – get it done. You got work to do. Don’t put this off and don’t take the long view. Life is today and tomorrow, and if you are lucky, may be next week.

Garrison Keillor

My God, rich people have the time to praise You if they want to, but the poor people are so busy, accept their work as praise because, my God, they don’t have time for everything.

Garrison Keillor

Lutherans don't hold bingo games in the church basement. Lutherans are against fun in general, which is why for them, birth control has never been a big issue.

Garrison Keillor

Demagogues thrive in dim light.

Garrison Keillor

Never say anything bad about a man until you’ve walked a mile in his shoes. By then he’s a mile away, you’ve got his shoes, and you can say whatever you want to.

Garrison Keillor

I longed for the pitter-patter of little feet, so I got a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

Garrison Keillor

...life (pause) is a struggle, and if you should feel really happy, be patient: this will pass.

Garrison Keillor

How many consultants does it take to change a lightbulb? I’ll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.

Garrison Keillor

The living wander away, we don’t hear from them for months, years—but the dead move in with us to stay.

Garrison Keillor

... you are never so smart again in a language learned in middle age nor so romantic, brave or kind.

Garrison Keillor

You young people learned spelling by the ‘Close Enough’ method.

Garrison Keillor

Sometimes I think I understand everything—then I regain consciousness.

Garrison Keillor

I just sort of slid into it, like you’d go for a walk in the woods and fall into a crevasse and wind up in a cave full of rubies and emeralds.

Garrison Keillor

They did not weave their lives around yours. They had their own lives, which were mysterious to you.

Garrison Keillor

What would people think?' Jesus said that people think all sorts of things. The human mind is like a cloud of gnats. Constant motion. That's why you have to look at the heart. 'Oh,' said Grandpa.

Garrison Keillor

I have seen the truth and it makes no sense.

Garrison Keillor