Racism isn’t born, folks. It’s taught. I have a 2-year-old son. Know what he hates? Naps. End of list.
Racism isn't born, folks, it's taught. I have a two-year-old son. You know what he hates? Naps! End of list.
Not eating meat is a decision, eating meat is an instinct.
Let me tell you something: I love the Yankees. And let me tell you why: because without the Yankees, there is nobody to hate.
Stand-up comedy and comedy in general is the ultimate form of free speech, because you get to poke holes in all the pretentious bubbles politicians and pundits and popes and pretenders try to float over our heads.
Firefighters are some of the most selfless public servants you will ever encounter.
There's not going to be a 'Rescue Me' movie. Not a chance.
I really like 'Batman.' Not the TV show, but the dark 'Batman.'
One thing that's great about firefighters: If they don't have the equipment they desperately need, they don't have the help, they don't care. They'll do it on their own.
Most people don't know how underpaid and often ill-equipped urban fire departments are across North America.
I want you to take away the hope because that's the thing that's killing me.
No matter what anybody says, relationships are based on physical attraction. The first time I saw my wife, it was pure animal whatever.
Good actors, especially when they know their character, will come in and either tell you in advance that they have an idea, or in the middle of the rehearsal or the scene they'll let it loose and you go, 'Ah that's great.'
I write what I think is funny and I write from a sense of popping a balloon or a sense of injustice, whether it's about yourself, or whether it's about something else. It's my worldview; it doesn't mean that everybody has to agree with it.
Vacuuming is great. I do the laundry. I love washing machines. I'm the maid in my house.
My biggest regret in life is that I didn't hit John Denver in the mouth while I has the chance.
Kathy Bates is sexy. It's partly because of her talent, but she's got a great face, and a great laugh.
Here's the problem with Easter. The Catholic Church needs to pick a date because it keeps moving. And I think the reason they always have Easter moving to different dates is to catch us.
Having dealt with a lot of real firefighters, I know there are a lot of guys who, for lack of a better term, become addicted to the grief because it has kept them connected to these guys that they felt responsible for having lost.
I went to school with Steven Wright, who was the shyest guy I knew, and one day someone suddenly told me that he was in a club doing standup comedy. I went down to his club and he was great. Another friend of mine, who was pretty much a thief by trade, was hosting the show. So I thought, 'If these guys can do it, then so can I.'
My career plan at this point is 'Ice Age 5' through '10,' and even '12,' and 'Spider Man' - you know, basically I'd be Emma Stone's dad for the rest of my career. I really don't have any problem doing that.
I'm still pretty self-centered, greedy and angry.
I basically - I don't like tattoos, unless you're a firefighter who has a tattoo that has to do with that or a military guy. That's - those are people who should have tattoos.
I'm really good at laundry, and I have no problem cleaning the kitchen.
Life Sucks,get a helmet
I wanted to be a hockey player. Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used. I was terrible in school and actually said, 'I'm going to be a hockey player.'
It would be great if firefighters across the country had the guarantee that they would be making enough money to support their family right from the get-go, but that's not the case.
My dad was very much a John Wayne kind of guy, but he was also a great guy, great sense of humor, a real dedicated dad. I don't think he ever missed a hockey game I was in.
How many whales do we really need? I figure five. One for each ocean.
First of all, I have to have trucks because I live most of my time on a horse farm, so I've gotta have trucks. It's in the northeast; I've got to have pickup trucks to move snow, number one. Number two, just if I'm driving, I don't have to have an SUV, but I want a big car.
Sometimes 'great acting' is just showing off - chewing up scenery and dialogue and other actors - the equivalent of a theatrical sugar rush.
Every job has parts of it that are a giant pain in the ass - whether you carry a penis or a purse.
I eat meat because meat tastes like murder, and murder tastes pretty dam good!
For us as writers, it's really important to have songs we believe in - even before sometimes we shoot a scene. If we have a song that's so perfectly designed for a scene on 'Rescue Me,' we'll play it on loud speakers during the shooting. It helps the cameraman and it helps the director, and it helps the actors know what the feel is.
My nieces and my nephews think the only thing that I do is 'Ice Age.' That's fine with me because pretty soon they'll grow up enough to realize that I suck or that my time has passed, whichever it might be.
Hockey's my favorite sport.
I'm born and raised in the Northeast. My parents are Irish immigrants. So our tendency is to shy away from the big yellow ball that comes up in the sky every once in a while.
Loud, stupid and overeating will suffice as long as we also have the funny, the fierce and the intellectual
Firefighters don't go on strike.
We live in a country where John Lennon takes eight bullets, Yoko Ono is walking right beside him and not one hits her. Explain that to me!
I've eaten things that didn't complain this much.
I think we should take Iraq and Iran and combine them into one country and call it Irate. All the pissed off people live in one place and get it over with.
The things that make me angry still make me angry. George Carlin is 67, and he's still as funny as he's ever been, and he's still angry. And that makes me feel good, because I feel like if I stick around long enough, I'll still be able to work.
Most movies suck, even the independent ones. Hollywood is like baseball: Hit three good ones out of 10 and you're a Hall of Famer.
No woman can be completely happy at any one moment in time. They're always anticipating the next thing to argue or complain about.
The only difference between kids and jungle animals is pants. Kids wear them. Jungle animals don't.
The biggest battle for a lot of people who come out of the theater, which is where I was trained, is that they can never forget that a camera is pointed at them.
Everyone's got skeletons in their closet, and I've got a million in mine, believe me. I tested the envelope; I pushed it. Whenever somebody in authority told me not to do something, I did it just to find out why they said not to do it.
The best comedy audiences in the country and this is tried and true, I'm not just saying it, in my opinion are Boston, Atlanta, and Chicago.
I did 12 years with nuns, you know. So I came out of it going, like, 'I think Jesus is all right.' The rest of it I think stinks to the high heavens.
One of those things that I like about TV is that if you get a group of people you like, you can work with these people for months at a time, and you can discover their strengths and weaknesses, and you can use those in the direction where you take the characters.
If you do good work, it tends to stick around. People still come up to me and say, 'The Ref' is my favorite Christmas movie.'
The thing with movies is, because you have so little time, I always feel like there are more things we could've done with the character. If we'd done a sequel to 'The Thomas Crown Affair,' what would that have been like? But for the most part, you try not to think of that, because it's just going to break your heart.
I have a lot of conservative views on a lot of things.
What firefighters and people in our military and cops do is separate from what the rest of us do; basically these people say, 'I'm going to protect all these strangers.'
Willem Dafoe and I are actually the same person.
I love America.
What's politically correct a lot of times is not funny.
It says on the back of the Nyquil box, 'May cause drowsiness.' It should say, 'Don't make any plans, OK? Kiss your family and friends good-bye.'
If you had no enemies, you had no fun.
Every actor thinks he can do comedy, and it's not true.
I've been nominated for Emmys and Golden Globes, but I've never won one and I probably never will.
I'd love to do another television series. I really love the writing process, and as an actor I really like how much you get to examine in television.
When I was doing standup, I always wanted to get out of the standup world and take it back into the theatrical world, like with 'No Cure For Cancer.'
Kids are incredibly expensive. But it pays off later when they are better educated, bigger, and better-looking than you. And find you incessantly boring and uncool.
Most of the women placed in the fire department here in New York never passed the physical test. And a fat guy or a short guy, or anybody not passing the test in a life-or-death job, leads to friction.
I don't want to see a 'Sopranos' movie. This is just me. I like to think the end is where it was on TV as opposed to becoming a movie.
I know gay - gay people who aren't married who are better parents than some, you know, straight people I know who are married.
I think all priests should be married.
I went to see the 'Spider-Man' movies because my wife is a fan, and so are my kids.
I didn't raise my kids with the fear of God.
I'm a lapsed Catholic in the best sense of the word.
Where I grew up, the basketball courts were rarely used.
I spent a long time working in the movies to figure out that kind of acting and also how to write and produce for the screen.
I really, really like 'Eastbound & Down.' It's one of the few things that makes me laugh.
I'm a huge Kevin Youkilis fan.
If you're over 52 years old and you're on Facebook, do us all a favor and log off now.
In addition to my cousin, there were 30 or 40 guys I grew up with who became firefighters as well. So, I've been around firefighters all my life.
There's no male Oprah.
I remember 9/11; we had 'Comics Come Home' about a month after those events. That night, even the comedians were concerned. Would the audience be ready to laugh? It was a release for everyone.
I really want to do a western film. It's one of my favorite movie genres of all time.
If you see me doing a new stand-up special, it probably means I've been out of work for a while.
I don't really have a lot of fun playing just straight good guys. It's not my thing. It's like Tom Hanks territory.
Some people expect me to be funny all the time, and I'm not necessarily funny all the time.
The best thing about series TV is that everyone you work with is hand-picked, as compared to working on a film.
I think we're going to carry the 'Ice Age's up to 'Ice Age 15,' which means basically they'll be in the present decade.
Bill Murray doesn't do anything. He barely shows up at the movies he says he's going to do.
You can't teach somebody how to be funny. You're either funny, or you ain't.
With any actor, if you know your character well enough, you'll know pretty much what he would say under any circumstance, or whatever situation might rear its head.
Science fiction was never my thing. I have no interest in it.
I actually like talking.
You can have good writing, but a great actor will make it feel and sound like great writing. You can have great writing, and mediocre actors will make it feel mediocre. Without the actors, you have nothing.
Usually when you watch a film, you're just sort of biting your nails about things you could have done differently.
I don't believe in the power of words.
I've always had a thing for Catwoman. Michelle Pfeiffer or Halle Berry in tight leather pants, with the boots - I'm pretty good with either one.
When I was a teenager, you couldn't get straight pants. Then in '76, when punk started to hit, it was a revelation that you could find straight pants again.
I do have to say that I think that President Obama is the greatest President in the history of all of our Presidents, and that he can do no wrong in my book. So how's that for prejudice on the Democratic side?
If a character dies, you get to do a big, juicy death scene. But the flip side is you're out of the sequel, which is where the real money is.
I love Santa Monica and Venice because I like the beach. I have a lot of friends in that area.
My brother and I tortured my mother growing up.
I'm a pretty boring guy. Compared to Ashton Kutcher, I live a really boring existence.
Wolfhounds helped kill off the wolves in Ireland.
I fell asleep during 'Year One' twice. And my son, who never falls asleep during a Jack Black movie, also nodded off. That's how bad it was. I was incredibly disappointed.
