I only have one note, let's be honest. But I'll play a different version of that one note.
I've got to get on myself to be sharp, funny and loose.
Single guys get a bad rap.
I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.
No one wants to know I set my alarm and get up 8, but I think it's too weird to sleep in too late.
There's always something funny about men chasing women.
Most of the shows I want to do I'm not smart enough to figure out how to watch.
Sometimes when I watch a TV season, your favorite shows die quickly. And then sometimes it's not your favorite, and they live on for 12 years.
It's hard to have a career.
I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.
I never have kids in movies or in TV shows.
You know, you want to pull in a wide audience.
There are too many fawning entertainment shows out there and not one of them is making fun of it all.
When I started I'd fly across the country to do a gig for a hundred bucks.
To make money I picked up work as a busboy, valet parker, skateboard shop employee.
My career is just kind of crazy.
It's so crazy in Hollywood.
It's just a campy blast. I just want to do as little as I can and make it good, and try not to sell out. I'm sure I will, but I'm just trying to postpone it.
It's funny because it's funny.
In grade school I was smart, but I didn't have any friends. In high school, I quit being smart and started having friends.
I want to get back to my fighting weight of 98 pounds. I have the exact measurements of that guy from the movie, Powder. Right now, I am the reigning West Coast Powder.
Success? You can't get a big head about it. When people stare at me, they could be whispering to their friend, 'That guy sucks! Have you seen him before? He's horrible.'
Everyone is so weird in L.A. that if you're somewhat normal, it's exotic.
I feel like I've got this anti-marriage thing, but it's less that and more I'm overthinking it to get it right.
I never dated much in high school or college.
I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.
I have no detectable hair style.
I'm like a Dilbert cartoon.
You can either look at things in a brutal, truthful way that's depressing, or you can screw around and have fun.
Birthday Week should be a movie starring Kristen Wiig, not an actual thing you are desperately trying to organize for your life.
FYI, this book is not that serious. This is meant to be read when super bored, then forgotten fifteen minutes later. It could be read cover-to-cover during one medium-to-severe case of diarrhea.
To be famous and broke is hard.