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A collection of quotes and sayings by David Michael Letterman on personality, woman, business, love, tv, united, Flag, alive, defeat, mind, democrats, will and race.

43 Top David Letterman Quotes That Are A Joy To Behold

Quick Facts

Famous As: Talk show host

Born On: April 12, 1947

Born In: Indianapolis

Founder / Co Founder: Worldwide Pants Incorporated

David Michael Letterman is an august American writer, television host, comedian, and producer. He has been the host of the famous late night show, ‘Late Night with David Letterman,’ for more than three decades. As an host, he has influenced a number of late-night hosts, including ‘Stephen Colbert,’ ‘Jimmy Kimmel,’ ‘Conan O’Brien,’ ‘Seth Meyers,’ and ‘Jimmy Fallon.’ Some of his best-known works include ‘Man on the Moon,’ ‘Sully,’ ‘Cabin Boy,’ ‘The Starland Vocal Band Show,’ ‘Murphy Brown,’ ‘The Simpsons,’ and ‘Everybody Loves Raymond.' Currently he is seen as the host of ‘My Next Guest Needs No Introduction With David Letterman,’ which has also been produced, created and written by him. We have rounded some profound quotes and sayings by David Michael Letterman that will surely enlighten you. Take a look at the noteworthy and meaningful thoughts and quotes by David Michael Letterman.

I believe I have voted for both Democrats and Republicans. Am I either one? Absolutely not. Ladies and gentlemen, I am an American.

David Michael Letterman

As you know now, Rush Limbaugh is the new face of the Republican Party, but they'll probably go with a different body.

David Michael Letterman

It's official, Arnold said he will enter the race for governor. At least that's what everybody thinks he said.

David Michael Letterman

Iraq's elite Republican Guard is doing so badly they're changing their name to the Democratic Guard.

David Michael Letterman

Wherever we've travelled in this great land of ours, we've found that people everywhere are about 90% water.

David Michael Letterman

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

David Michael Letterman

Yesterday Senator John Kerry changed his mind and now supports the ban on gay marriages. I'm telling you this guy has more positions than Paris Hilton.

David Michael Letterman

Dick Cheney said he was running again. He said his health was fine, 'I've got a doctor with me 24 hours a day.' Yeah, that's always the sign of a man in good health, isn't it?

David Michael Letterman

President Bush has been silent on Schwarzenegger. Of course, he can't pronounce Schwarzenegger.

David Michael Letterman

Here's a little known fact - Arnold is the first body builder to run for governor since Janet Reno.

David Michael Letterman

We have defeated Saddam Hussein and Iraq. The good news is Iraq is ours, and the bad news is Iraq is ours.

David Michael Letterman

The big debate right now is if Saddam is alive or dead. He's dead, then he's alive, then dead, then alive. It's just confusing. Today they showed videotape, and Saddam was speaking at his own funeral.

David Michael Letterman

Last night the United States dropped four 2,000 pound bombs on Saddam Hussein. I don't know anything about explosives, but, my God, do those things even need to explode?

David Michael Letterman

We inadvertently bombed the Chinese Embassy. But Clinton now is working very hard. He has sent a letter of apology to the Chinese. And, he's also given them a gift certificate for future nuclear secrets.

David Michael Letterman

New York... when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you.

David Michael Letterman

I had no idea this thing was televised. Boy, is my face red.

David Michael Letterman

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

David Michael Letterman

We make a lot of fun at President Clinton's expense. But this transition is going to be tough because it's been 25 years since this guy has gotten laid in the private sector.

David Michael Letterman

There is no off position on the genius switch.

David Michael Letterman

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know, some of these jokes just write themselves.

David Michael Letterman

Experts say that Iraq may have nuclear weapons. That's bad news - they may have a nuclear bomb. Now the good news is that they have to drop it with a camel.

David Michael Letterman

No one knows if Saddam is still alive. They keep showing old footage of him on TV saying that it's live. You know, it's like the same thing we do with Dick Cheney.

David Michael Letterman

It's so warm now, and Thanksgiving came so early - is it just me, or does it not really feel like Ramadan?

David Michael Letterman

President Bush has said that he does not need approval from the UN to wage war, and I'm thinking, well, hell, he didn't need the approval of the American voters to become president, either.

David Michael Letterman

For the love of God, folks, don't try this at home.

David Michael Letterman

The worst tempered people I have ever met were those who knew that they were wrong.

David Michael Letterman

New York now leads the world's great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn't make a sudden move.

David Michael Letterman

I have found that the only thing that does bring you happiness is doing something good for somebody who is incapable of doing it for themselves.

David Michael Letterman

People say New Yorkers can't get along. Not true. I saw two New Yorkers, complete strangers, sharing a cab. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine.

David Michael Letterman

I'm just trying to make a smudge on the collective unconscious.

David Michael Letterman

I cannot sing, dance or act; what else would I be but a talk show host.

David Michael Letterman

Fall is my favorite season in Los Angeles, watching the birds change color and fall from the trees.

David Michael Letterman

There's no business like show business, but there are several businesses like accounting.

David Michael Letterman

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

David Michael Letterman

Congratulations are in order for Woody Allen - he and Soon Yi have a brand new baby daughter. It's all part of Woody's plan to grow his own wives.

David Michael Letterman

USA Today has come out with a new survey - apparently, three out of every four people make up 75% of the population.

David Michael Letterman

I know these jokes aren't great, ladies and gentlemen, see this is the problem you run into when you're between impeachments.

David Michael Letterman

If it wasn't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsover.

David Michael Letterman

There's not a man, woman or child on the face of the earth who doesn't enjoy a tasty beverage.

David Michael Letterman

Don't forget it's daylight savings time. You spring forward, then you fall back. It's like Robert Downey Jr. getting out of bed.

David Michael Letterman

There's only one requirement of any of us, and that is to be courageous. Because courage, as you might know, defines all other human behavior. And, I believe - because I've done a little of this myself - pretending to be courageous is just as good as the real thing.

David Michael Letterman

The weather here is gorgeous. It's mild and feels like it's in the eighties. The hot dog vendors got confused because of the weather and thought it was spring, so they accidentally changed the hot dog water in their carts.

David Michael Letterman

A lot of folks are still demanding more evidence before they actually consider Iraq a threat. For example, France wants more evidence. And you know I'm thinking, the last time France wanted more evidence they rolled right through Paris with the German flag.

David Michael Letterman