Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

Memorable quotes by Bill Maher on religion, politics, society and other things.

90 Memorable Quotes By Bill Maher, The Author Of New Rules

Famous As: Talk Show Host
Born On: January 20, 1956
Born In: New York City

William Maher, better known as Bill Maher, is a television show host, actor, political and social commentator, producer and media critic from the United States, who has become an iconic figure across the world due to his ability to deliver hard hitting truths in a humorous way. Maher was born in New York and studied History and English at the prestigious Cornell University, before embarking on a career as a standup comedian. His career started off as a standup comedian in New York but in 1993 Maher got his big break with the talk show ‘Politically Incorrect’. The show won a slew of awards and made him a cultural icon of America. After it came to an end, Maher started hosting another talk show titled ‘Real Time with Bill Maher’ on HBO in 2003 and he has been associated with the show since. Maher’s views on religion, politics and society have influenced people for as long as he has been a talk showhost. Needless to say, Maher is also an extremely smooth orator and has delivered thousands of brilliant one-liners throughout his broadcasting career. Here are some of the better known quotes from Bill Maher that you would surely enjoy.

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Women cannot complain about men anymore until they start getting better taste in them.

Bill Maher

Suicide is man's way of telling God, 'You can't fire me - I quit!

Bill Maher

I have a problem with people who take the Constitution loosely and the Bible literally.

Bill Maher

The problem is that the people with the most ridiculous ideas are always the people who are most certain of them." (The Decider, July 21, 2007)

Bill Maher

Can we go back to using Facebook for what it was originally for - looking up exes to see how fat they got?

Bill Maher

Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake--you know, to send the right message to kids.

Bill Maher

I'll show you Obama's birth certificate when you show me Sarah Palin's high school diploma.

Bill Maher

Don't get so tolerant that you tolerate intolerance.

Bill Maher

We have a Bill of Rights. What we need is a Bill of Responsibilities.

Bill Maher

I think religion is a neurological disorder.

Bill Maher

Kids. They're not easy. But there has to be some penalty for sex.

Bill Maher

We need more people speaking out. This country is not overrun with rebels & free thinkers. It's overrun with sheep & conformists.

Bill Maher

Atheism is a religion like abstinence is a sex position.

Bill Maher

That's what's so great about the Internet. It allows pompous blow-hards to connect with other pompous blow-hards in a vast circle-jerk of pomposity.

Bill Maher

The Bible looks like it started out as a game of mad libs.

Bill Maher

I wouldn't touch a hot dog unless you put a condom on it! You realize that the job of a hot dog is to use parts of the animal that the Chinese can't figure out how to make into a belt? -timecode 1:11:10

Bill Maher

Saying someone is religious is heard in most of America as a compliment, a reassuring affirmation that someone will be moral, ethical, and after a few glasses of wine, a freak in the bedroom.

Bill Maher

You know what happens when windmills collapse into the sea? A splash.

Bill Maher

The true axis of evil in America is the brilliance of our marketing combined with the stupidity of our people.

Bill Maher

Be out of the mainstream. I'm out of the mainstream. I enjoy it, who wants to be in the mainstream?

Bill Maher

To most Christians, the Bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'.

Bill Maher

I find that the world is changing much, much faster than I can even bitch about it.

Bill Maher

Don't you miss the days when America was just MORALLY bankrupt?

Bill Maher

If it weren't for acid, you might not have an IPod, and you definitely would not have some of the best music in your IPod.

Bill Maher

You know... there is a name for people who are always wrong about everything all the time.... husband!!!

Bill Maher

Republicans are taking the defeat over Health Care as well as Tiger Woods took to marriage.

Bill Maher

Now, I'm no doctor, but I am on TV. And in my professional opinion, George Bush is a paranoid schizophrenic.

Bill Maher

The "Power of One" is a slogan--not a goal.

Bill Maher

You know, if you're an American and you're born at this time in history especially, you're lucky. We all are. We won the world history Powerball lottery.

Bill Maher

When opportunity knocks all some people can do is complain about the noise.

Bill Maher

Obama is not a secret Kenyon, or a secret Muslim, he's a secret Republican.

Bill Maher

If a fourteen year-old can deliver your message, it's not because he's gifted. It's because intellectually, you're a child.

Bill Maher

If we stopped calling it profiling and started calling it "proactive intelligence screening" or "high alert detecting", people would be saying "Well, it's about time".

Bill Maher

New Rule: Stop lying to me about your pancake mix. The back of the box says 1 1/2 cups makes ten to twelve pancakes. Really? 'Cause I get four. Who's your cook, Jesus?

Bill Maher

Not doing anything is doing something and choosing to look away is a passive but no less mortal sin.

Bill Maher

I hate stupidity, but what I hate even more is when people actually brag about it.

Bill Maher

You would think there is a higher bar than having a Facebook page to run for president.

Bill Maher

This is the worst thing to happen to beaches since the Speedo.

Bill Maher

You don't need a weapon to protect yourself.

Bill Maher

We're all gonna be gay if we get health care!

Bill Maher

Kadafi is a zombie in a pillbox hat, that's what he is!

Bill Maher

My personal savior is common sense. And as far as God goes, I prefer to believe in one that would want me to use the excellent brain he gave us all.

Bill Maher

We're a complacent society, hard to get riled up in the first place, and then when we do, it's misdirected.

Bill Maher

My bank must stop trying to sell me identity theft protection. You know why I expect you to protect my money? Because you're a bank.

Bill Maher

New Rule: You don't have to put the cap back on the bottled water after every sip. It's water, not a genie.

Bill Maher

To a coward, courage always looks like stupidity.

Bill Maher

Every day in America is a day with a shooting.

Bill Maher

Women are also property in our bible; adultery is a property crime in the Old Testament, not a sex crime.

Bill Maher

Last week, I suggested the candidates take up mushrooms. I’ll be damned if Rick Perry didn’t take me up on that.

Bill Maher

Americans today confuse freedom with not being asked to sacrifice. The fact that you can't have everything you want exactly when you want it has somehow become un-American.

Bill Maher

New Rule: Any tattoo that has more than one line is too long.

Bill Maher

If I can't suck your milkshake through a straw, it's not a milkshake--it's a glass of ice cream.

Bill Maher

New Rule: The sad mime at every protest has to give it a rest. One sign you're a major annoyance: when you haven't said anything and I still want to tell you to shut the fuck up.

Bill Maher

In pharmaceutical speak, psilocybin is known as an asshole inhibitor.

Bill Maher

Stop saying drug use makes people lazy. Jimi Hendrix did a lot of drugs, even though he's been dead for forty years, he's still making new records. Suck on that, Partnership for a Drug-Free America!

Bill Maher

New Rule: The Jacksons must trot out at least one family member who doesn't make us all ask, "What went on in that house?

Bill Maher

Faced with our addiction to oil, what does our leadership say? Get more of it! Strange when you consider their answer to drug dependence is to cut off the supply.

Bill Maher

I'm not a Christian, but I have read his book.

Bill Maher

New Rule: People on reality shows have to quit saying, "You either love me or you hate me." There's actually a third option: not giving a shit about you.

Bill Maher

Republicans: 'we fought the good fight' - yeah, it woulda been worth it if we could have prevented just one poor kid from getting a free inhaler.

Bill Maher

We've been brainwashed into believing that it's a sin to discriminate. But discrimination doesn't mean racism; it means telling unlike things apart.

Bill Maher

But females in even the most advanced Muslim countries are simply, by law, not the equal of men.

Bill Maher

The point is, a leader does what he thinks is right, not what he thinks the popular thing is.

Bill Maher

That's not water. That's socialism juice. We should bomb Lake Erie.

Bill Maher

Do not fuck with gun nuts because they are nuts about their guns.

Bill Maher

You just got your nerd credentials back.

Bill Maher

Bloodless revolutions are rare.

Bill Maher

When the enemy gets to your citadel, your prided epicenter, everything's in play.

Bill Maher

We should stop worrying so much about the price of gasoline and start considering its cost. You really want to be patriotic? Don't change your car by putting a flag on it, change the car.

Bill Maher

True patriotism is doing something for your country.

Bill Maher

Brave Americans in past wars didn't die for the actual flag--they died for the freedom it represents, including the freedom to burn it.

Bill Maher

I don't want to say Monsanto is evil right off the bat, but why is Monsanto so evil?

Bill Maher

This is the opposite of the free market.

Bill Maher

We were asked to do very little, and we responded. That's the bargain we tacitly make with our presidents: we won't ask too much of you, if you don't ask too much of us.

Bill Maher

It's not that we don't care--it's just that that we'd prefer not to get involved.

Bill Maher

Fascism is when corporations become the government.

Bill Maher

And, corny as it may sound, I do cherish the bond between me and the audience, the minority that follows my stuff and always makes me glad it's us against the world.

Bill Maher

If you send more than one news van to cover Dancing with the Stars, then you have to change your name from Eyewitness News to Guess What, You Guys?

Bill Maher

Just like in the workplace, women who are good workers are the best workers.

Bill Maher

I don't respect thinking that is dangerous, prejudicial, childish, and could get me killed.

Bill Maher

America is bad at discriminating between danger likely to strike again, and red herrings, the freaking helpings of disaster that no man or plan can prevent.

Bill Maher

The real axis of evil in America is the genius of our marketing and the gullibility of our people.

Bill Maher

New Rule: While you're telling me how your March Madness bracket is doing, you must also fill me in on your vacation and show me pictures of your kids. That way, I can not give a shit all at once.

Bill Maher

Too many in America lead with their emotions when it comes to the flag, becoming illogically protective.Hell, the British treat their national symbol, the Royal Family, way worse, and they're people!

Bill Maher

We are oblivious to suffering. We are cheap with charity if it's not close to our home.

Bill Maher

Fake it. We know you can do that. We’ve seen your sex tape.

Bill Maher

He sold Syria way better than he sold this.

Bill Maher

I don't ridicule religion, it ridicules itself.

Bill Maher

I guess what's so frustrating about the drug movement is that it's not much of a movement that's too many stoners involved.

Bill Maher

If somebody asks if you tweeted your penis and your answer is anything other than "No," you tweeted your penis.

Bill Maher