When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe?
The young always have the same problem - how to rebel and conform at the same time. They have now solved this by defying their parents and copying one another.
Fashion is what you adopt when you don't know who you are.
If at first you don’t succeed, failure may be your style.
There is no need to do any housework at all. After the first four years the dirt doesn't get any worse.
In an expanding universe, time is on the side of the outcast. Those who once inhabited the suburbs of human contempt find that without changing their address they eventually live in the metropolis.
Never keep up with the Joneses. Drag them down to your level. It's cheaper.
If love means anything at all it means extending your hand to the unlovable.
The key is never, never work. Nothing is more aging than work. It's not only the strain of getting up in the morning for work, but it's the resentment that settles on your face
Neither look forward where there is doubt nor backward where there is regret. Look inward and ask not if there is anything outside you want, but whether there is anything inside that you have not yet unpacked.
The British do not expect happiness. I had the impression, all the time that I lived there, that they do not want to be happy; they want to be right.
However low a man sinks he never reaches the level of the police.
Life was a funny thing that happened to me on the way to the grave.
It's been agony but I couldn't have done it any other way.
Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
I recommend limiting one's involvement in other people's lives to a pleasantly scant minimum.
Charisma is the ability to influence without logic.
You fall out of your mother’s womb, you crawl across open country under fire, and drop into your grave.
The very purpose of existence it to reconcile the glowing opinion we have of ourselves with the appalling things that other people think of us.
The war between the sexes is the only one in which both sides regularly sleep with the enemy.
Ask yourself, if there was to be no blame, and if there was to be no praise, who would I be then?
It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style.
Muddled syntax is the outward and audible sign of confused minds, and the misuse of grammar the result of illogical thinking.
I like living in one room and have never known what people do with the room they are not in.
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Quentin Crisp (to handsome young man on the street): "What's the matter, sexy? Don't you like dehydrated fruit?
A fair share of anything is starvation diet to an egomaniac.
What I wanted most of all was to use sex as a weapon to allure, subjugate, and, if possible, destroy the personality of others.
As soon as I stepped out of my mother's womb...I realized that I had made a mistake,
Fear and hatred do not seem to find expression in tears.
Without an element of vulgarity, no man can be a work of art...I have to try and think what an artist is, apart from a hooligan who cannot live within his income of praise.
