Tonight’s December thirty-first, Something is about to burst. The clock is crouching, dark and small, Like a time bomb in the hall. Hark, it's midnight, children dear. Duck! Here comes another year!
Children aren't happy with nothing to ignore, And that's what parents were created for.
A door is what a dog is perpetually on the wrong side of.
To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you're wrong, admit it; whenever you're right, shut up.
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
Candy is dandy, but liquor is quicker.
Some pains are physical, and some pains are mental, but the one that's both is dental.
I have an idea that the phrase “weaker sex” was coined by some woman to disarm the man she was preparing to overwhelm.
Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.
Middle age is when you've met so many people that every new person you meet reminds you of someone else.
The door of a bigoted mind opens outwards so that the only result of the pressure of facts upon it is to close it more snugly.
If you don’t want to work you have to work to earn enough money so that you won’t have to work.
A jolly young fellow from Yuma Told an elephant joke to a puma; now his skeleton lies beneath hot western skies- the puma had no sense of huma
Middle age is when you're sitting at home on a Saturday night and the telephone rings and you hope it isn't for you.
Certainly there are things in life that money can’t buy, but it’s very funny – Did you ever try buying them without money.
There is only one way to achieve happiness on this terrestrial ball, and that is to have either a clear conscience or none at all.
Progress is a fine thing, but it's gone on long enough.
Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.
The trouble with a kitten is that it eventually becomes a cat.
Where there is a monster, there is a miracle.
A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold.
Either you get eaten by a wolf today or else the shepherd saves you from the wolf so he can sell you to the butcher tomorrow
People who have what they want are fond of telling people who haven’t what they want that they really don’t want it.
When grandparents enter the door, discipline flies out the window. ~ Ogden Nash
I dreamt that my hair was kempt. Then I dreamt that my true love unkempt it.
The bed is a bundle of paradoxes: we go to it with reluctance, yet we quit it with regret; we make up our minds every night to leave it early, but we make up our bodies every morning to keep it late.
The cow is of the bovine ilk; one end is moo, the other milk.
Too clever is dumb.
Snow is all right while it is snowing; it is like inebriation because it is very pleasing when it is coming, but very unpleasing when it is going.
If some confectioners were willing To let the shape announce the filling, We'd encounter fewer assorted chocs, Bitten into and returned to the box.
