You know who wears sunglasses inside? Blind people and assholes.
Anyone can be confident with a full head of hair. But a confident bald man - there's your diamond in the rough.
I was planning on my future as a homeless person. I had a really good spot picked out.
Well, I always think the worst things are going to happen here, because I'm - basically inside, I'm a bad person, and so the bad kind of takes over.
Once I know people know who I am, it gives me a lot of licence and freedom to behave in ways I wouldn't normally.
Switzerland is a place where they don't like to fight, so they get people to do their fighting for them while they ski and eat chocolate.
When I was living in New York and didn't have a penny to my name, I would walk around the streets and occasionally I would see an alcove or something. And I'd think, that'll be good, that'll be a good spot for me when I'm homeless.
I'm not interested in closure. Some people just have heart attacks and die, right? There's no closure.
If I wasn't a golfer, I would still be miserable - but not as miserable.
Most people are completely unaware of their breath. They violate your space, they have no idea that they have halitosis.
I'm surprised sometimes at how some of my actions are misinterpreted.
I don't like to make a big splash anyway.
Golf and dating don't mix.
When you're not concerned with succeeding, you can work with complete freedom.
It has to do - I think - with growing up in an apartment, with my aunt and my cousins right next door to me, with the door open, with neighbors walking in and out, with people yelling at each other all the time.
Women love a self-confident bald man.
I think we're all good and bad, but good's not funny. Bad is funny. Suppress the good and let the bad out, and then you can be funny.
I gave a funny speech at my wife's birthday party, and I'm thinking, 'Hey, I've still got it.'
OK, I'm happy. I'm happy. All right? I'm happy.
I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.
No, I am a crier and if people ever saw me privately they would be shocked at what a bowl of mush I am underneath it all.
I don't take on big things. What I do, pretty much, is make the big things small and the small things big.
I'm a walking, talking enigma. We're a dying breed.
I'm a walking, talking enigma.
I think golf is literally an addiction. I'm surprised there's not Golf Anonymous.
I tend to stay with the panic. I embrace the panic.
I've been in therapy. I know enough about myself now to know that I really don't need to know anymore.
I've led this empty life for over forty years and now I can pass that heritage on and ensure that the misery will continue for at least one more generation.
In those days, reserve duty lasted for six years, which, I might add, was three times as long as service in the regular army, although to be perfectly honest, I was unable to fulfill my entire obligation because I was taking acting classes and they said I could skip my last year.
It's not every day that you get to be affectionate around something, it just doesn't happen that often.
