Two wrongs do not make a right; but three rights make a left.
No Angie, it's instant. Like when someone trips in the cafeteria and you're laughing so hard milk comes out of your nose, the guy next to you is laughing so hard he accidentally farts. BOOM! Friends for life!
When things are bad, it's the best time to reinvent yourself.
We are now the proud owners of a white boy. Now we have to shop in the caucasian isle and get sunscreen, mayonaise and mild salsa because the other ones really hawt!
It was June 4, 1979, the first time I went on stage. I didn't know I could do it but I knew I couldn't not do it. I quit everything in my life and this was the one thing I couldn't quit.
It's a great day in America when white people, black people and Latinos can all come together and pick on another minority.
I didn't come from a background where I saw a lot of loving couples. All my aunts and uncles were either split up or fighting all the time. The only healthy relationships I saw were on TV.
I didn't want to be nobody, and that was the only way I could be somebody was to do stand-up.
If you make waffles, throw out the first one.
When I look at the Gospel, I see how it is speaking to me at this time. I see how to be to others and it helps.
I can't pay her back, but what I can do is make her as happy as she thought I would when we first got married.
Whoever is my relative, I will not be nice to them.
Memories, priceless. Well not really priceless, but there you go!
I had a very difficult childhood. I was surrounded by people who had both parents, which made me feel different. Having a bit of a rougher existence early on, it made me appreciate the work ethic that my grandparents instilled in me.
I never realized I could love people as much as I do now.
When you go to cable, there are no stations and no affiliates and they allow you to do your show.
I believe that there are certain things that could be taken care of that you don't need a strong political background in.
It's not even about black and white anymore, because so many people are from mixed backgrounds and mixed ethnicities, and it's just a great time to be able to pull all that together.
If the worst thing that can happen is that nobody laughs, then I can deal with that, because the worst thing that can happen at the factory is that I could lose a limb or be crushed by a huge machine.
David Letterman is the best late-night talk show host right now, hands down, and has been since he first took the desk.
I've spent days in cinemas answering questions from the audience, in interviews, travelling abroad, and all they do is thank me nicely.
I love comedy and I would write things to myself as an exercise in writing. I didn't do well for years, and I quit. I started to break down why I was afraid and started to look at people I admired, like Richard Pryor, Eddie Murphy, Freddie Prinze, George Carlin and all.
So I started to relax and would work on my act eight hours a day, sitting at a desk writing at my grandmother's house, and I would put on Richard Pryor Live on Long Beach and would play it like a loop and think and write.
The first night was awful because I was so afraid, and I was never more afraid because it was going out of my character to be outgoing and to be vulnerable and to be out there and onstage. My hands were sweaty and I couldn't swallow, and I drank a bottle of wine to calm my nerves.
