Authors: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

25 Famous Quotes By Demetri Martin That Are Sure To Rejuvenate You

Famous As: Known for being an unconventional stand-up comic
Born On: May 25, 1973
Born In: New York City, New York, United States
Age: 50 Years
Demetri Martin is a comedian, actor, musician, writer, humorist who is distinguished as a pioneer in surreal humor. He went on to study law but his passion for comedy compelled him to dropout. He performed as a stand-up comedian at various local clubs and did many temporary jobs for survival. He came into limelight when he performed at Comedy Central’s stand-up show ‘Premium Blend’. His show ‘If I....’ won him the ‘Perrier Award’ at the ‘Edinburgh Festival Fringe’. He further went on to do his TV show titled ‘Important Things With Demetri Martin’. This show ran successfully for two seasons before going off-air. He has also traveled all over America to spread his humorous intellect. He has recorded a comedy album titled ‘These Are Jokes’ which was critically appreciated. He even appeared on many videos and his humorous acts revolve around everyday life and American culture. Here is a compilation of some of his humorous quotes and thoughts which have been excerpted from his shows, writings, interviews, dialogues, work and life. Go through these funny quotes from Demetri Martin which will give you your doze of laughter.
I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.

Demetri Martin
I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades...or a game of fake heart attack.

Demetri Martin
Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Glitter is the herpes of craft supplies.

Demetri Martin
About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.

About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like, 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin
100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

100% of the people who give 110% do not understand math.

Demetri Martin
A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

A know-it-all is a person who knows everything except for how annoying he is.

Demetri Martin
I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

I used to play sports. Then I realized you can buy trophies. Now I am good at everything.

Demetri Martin
Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Whenever I'm on my computer, I don't type 'lol'. I type 'lqtm' - laugh quietly to myself. It's more honest.

Demetri Martin
If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

If I ever saw an amputee getting hanged, I’d probably just start calling out letters.

Demetri Martin
I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, 'I'm sorry, I thought you were someone else.' And I said, 'I am.

Demetri Martin
I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

I am a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a pita. Why the pita? That counts as another mystery.

Demetri Martin
It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

It is illegal to yell “fire” in a crowded theater. If there is a fire, please yell something else instead, like “Flames!” or “Smoke maker!” or “Bad hot!

Demetri Martin
REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

REGARDING THE MARCHING BAND: How much more interesting it would be to see a creeping band.

Demetri Martin
Words have power, 
you dumb piece of shit.

Words have power, you dumb piece of shit.

Demetri Martin
Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Never be less interesting than your refrigerator magnets.

Demetri Martin
Yes

Yes" actually means "No" 100% of the time, when the question is "Can I give you some advice?

Demetri Martin
I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

Demetri Martin
The lord works in mysterious ways. 
Indeed. 
And a shorter way to say that is:
God is a sneak

The lord works in mysterious ways. Indeed. And a shorter way to say that is: God is a sneak

Demetri Martin
Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

Relationships, like eyebrows, are better when there is space between them.

Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. When you finish it, it says 'go outside'.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40, 000 pieces. When you finish it, it says 'go outside'.

Demetri Martin
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'.

I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says, 'go outside'.

Demetri Martin
The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

The boomerang is Australia's chief export (and then import).

Demetri Martin
Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?

Every cloud has a silver lining. Right. Okay. And, tell me again how a silver lining helps me?

Demetri Martin
Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Fact: The plastic knife is perfect for when a person just wants to make some marks on his food and get insanely frustrated at the same time.

Demetri Martin
Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Hotel Conundrum: The continental breakfast. What is it that makes continents so shitty at providing an adequate breakfast?

Demetri Martin