Everyone wants to live on top of the mountain, but all the happiness and growth occurs while you're climbing it.
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
If you smile when you are alone, then you really mean it.
One of the most glorious messes in the world is the mess created in the living room on Christmas day. Don't clean it up too quickly." ~ (1919-), American writer, producer, humorist.
It's paradoxical that the idea of living a long life appeals to everyone, but the idea of getting old doesn't appeal to anyone.
The 50-50-90 rule: anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
I've learned .... That opportunities are never lost; someone will take the ones you miss.
I've learned that no matter how serious your life requires you to be, everyone needs a friend to act goofy with.
I've learned .... That when you harbor bitterness, happiness will dock elsewhere.
The best classroom in the world is at the feet of an elderly person.
I've learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
I'd be more willing to accept religion, even if I didn't believe it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other but I don't think it does.
I'm always on the lookout for something good about people. Often months go by.
Christians talk as though goodness was their idea but good behavior doesn't have any religious origin. Our prisons are filled with the devout.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Nothing in fine print is ever good news.
Computers make it easier to do a lot of things, but most of the things they make it easier to do don't need to be done.
I don't differentiate much, except in degree, between people who believe in religion from those who believe in astrology, magic or the supernatural.
If you smile when no one else is around, you really mean it.
Do I have opinions that might piss people off? Yes - that's what I'm here for.
If dogs could talk, it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.
I am not retiring. Writers don't retire. Writers never stop writing.
People will generally accept facts as truth only if the facts agree with what they already believe.
My advice is not to wait to be struck by an idea. If you're a writer, you sit down and damn well decide to have an idea.
The Christmas tree is a symbol of love, not money. There's a kind of glory to them when they're all lit up that exceeds anything all the money in the world could buy.
My mother always called me 'sturdy' and said I have big bones. A little fat is what I am.
The trouble with dictionaries is, they tell you more about words than you want to know without answering the question you have.
It’s just amazing how long this country has been going to hell without ever having got there.
![I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.](https://quotes.thefamouspeople.com/images/quotes/andy-rooney-4022.jpg)
I just wish this social institution [religion] wasn't based on what appears to me to be a monumental hoax built on an accumulation of customs and myths directed toward proving something that isn't true.
Death is a distant rumor to the young.
